Unable to control your sexual impulses?

We all have the friend who has so many notches on their metaphorical bed post that the poor bed is beginning to disappear before our very eyes. Whether he – or she – is in control of their bed-hopping actions or not, however, is another matter entirely. Sex addiction is traditionally defined as a person’s inability to control their sexual impulses; addicts are often driven to fulfil their desires to such an extent that their personal and social lives are affected. Somewhat conversely, despite the growing numbers of sex addicts being reported, many sexologists still refuse to acknowledge the condition as an actual problem.

There is a fine line between choosing to have sex often and instead feeling compelled to do whatever it takes to feed your addiction. The two often blur together – we jokingly refer to friends who have had a one-night stand too many as ‘addicts’, whereas we might view the theory of sleeping around as unprincipled and sordid. However, sex addiction isn’t just a sweaty problem born out of nightclub-based flooziness; rather, it is a bona fide issue that can destroy the lives of sufferers and those close to them.

Psychologist Patrick Carnes conducted a survey in 1991, in which he interviewed a number of sexual addicts. Of the participants, he found that 97% said they suffered from low self-esteem as a result of their addiction, and 17% had suicidal thoughts. 80% of the addicts were male; perhaps it could be argued that there are few female addicts owing to a woman’s instinctive desire for a relationship. However, since the 1990s, the number of female addicts has steadily increased, as well as the number of addicts overall.

So what makes sex become an addiction? There are a variety of factors that contribute to an addiction forming. In a modern context, one of the most obvious causes is the internet. Making sex freely available via videos, pictures and chatrooms, people are able to get their kicks without so much as leaving the comfort of their own home. Recent research in America found that every second, 372 internet users access sex websites. However, there are also psychological roots in sexual addiction. Some addicts cite repression – whether it be a stifling long-term relationship or a difficult childhood – as the reason for their addiction, whilst others claim that it is a result of low self-esteem (which seems contradicts the aforementioned 97% who suffer from esteem issues as a result of their addiction). A previous history of addictive behaviour, such as eating disorders and OCD, can also lead to sexual desire becoming a constant factor in your life.

Some addicts claim that sex makes them feel powerful and in control, as they are choosing to do it. ‘It used to make me feel as if I could do anything,’ says a friend who used to have a borderline addiction. ‘When I went to a club or a bar, I’d always be on the look out for my next buzz – i.e. my next sexual encounter. Hooking up with someone made me feel as if I could do anything, and for a while I felt pretty invincible. But when it got so bad that I was finding anyone, from the man at the petrol station to the guy trying to get me to sponsor PDSA, attractive, I realised that I needed to stop while I still could.’ The harsh reality is that the addiction means that, by definition, sufferers are unable to control their desires, and view their behaviour as perfectly reasonable.

It’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment when sex addiction begins; after all, what’s the difference between addiction and simply having a high sex drive? There is a very subtle difference between the two. Having a high sex drive means that you frequently desire sex; having a sex addiction means that you need sex in order to be able to function. With addiction, there are a huge variety of symptoms, and they vary from individual to individual. These generally include a preoccupation with sex, which results in an inability to function properly in day-to-day-life; a failure to resist sexual urges; and an inability to prioritise (putting sex before career, family, etc.). Addicts might suffer from headaches and mood swings, and have withdrawal symptoms if they go without sex for a period of time. There are generally also negative behaviours present, such as self-loathing and low self-esteem.

Addiction can have serious consequences

Some may argue that sex addiction doesn’t need treating – after all, it’s just sex, what’s the worst that can happen? (STDs, etc. aside…) However, it can have devastating consequences. Relationships can be wrecked, careers destroyed and futures obliterated, and just like drug/alcohol/solvent problems, sex addiction will only get worse without proper treatment. The first step, as always with anything along these lines, is admitting that there is a problem. Once this has been done, there are a variety of options: counselling, therapy and, in extreme cases, medications such as anti-depressants for those who suffer with suicidal feelings as a result of the addiction. It won’t be easy for the addict to overcome their intial ‘cold turkey’ feelings, but it is achievable, as long as they are willing to do it.

So what should you do if you suspect someone you know is suffering from sex addiction? Proceed with caution – you don’t want to push them further away by being too accusatory. Ask them how they’ve been feeling, and whether they’ve noticed any differences in their behaviour lately and take it from there. Make it clear that you want to help rather than trying to accuse them of being out of control.

If you think that you yourself might be an addict, make an appointment to see your doctor. Try and keep a diary of any impulses you have; jot down how these feelings effect you, and what they make you do. If you’re able to present this to your doctor then he or she will be able to scale accordingly how severe your addiction is. Never dismiss your potential addiction as nonsense – it could ruin your life.