Spending time alone can be positive...

The word ‘alone’ is one such that tends to drag behind it negative connotations. Aloneness is actually very important and experts claim that it’s as necessary as regular exercise and a good diet for both physical and psychological health. According to T. Byram Karasu, the psychiatrist responsible for The Art of Serenity, avoiding alone time “…is the cause of many manifestations of psychological and physiological distress… Being with other people for long periods of time, no matter how loving, wonderful and interesting they may be, interferes with one’s biopsychological rhythm.”

Yet many people recoil at the idea of being alone. This is natural and actually very difficult to do absolutely. To quote the Dalai Lama, “We humans are social beings. We come into the world as the result of others’ actions. We survive here in dependence on others. Whether we like it or not, there is hardly a moment of our lives when we do not benefit from others’ activities. For this reason it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationships with others.”

The concept of ‘alone-ness’ is more complex than it seems on the surface. For example, how is it that we can feel desperately lonely in a city full of people yet at the same time, magically fulfilled in the middle of a forest with nobody else around? The etymological root of the word stems from ‘all one’. Without wishing to delve too deeply into matters of the soul, basically put, to be able to be alone is to feel alright with yourself. Where this is up to you, what we can do is give you food for thought when it comes to going solo. In the main, there are three Alone Types (AT) and here we offer a few explanations and suggestions on how it’s done…

AT 1: ‘Leave Me Alone!’

Most of us have moments where we desperately need time to ourselves, but find any hope of achieving it regularly thwarted.

Alone Scenario

Perhaps you live with several other housemates, with all of whom you enjoy spending time and sharing space, but maybe the collective thoroughfare of their friends and social lives can get a bit much sometimes. A quiet night in chez you, a pizza and a movie? Foiled because your housemate’s brought a handful of chums back for dinner. As civilised as this might be, there’s still going to be people, voices and wine, whether you’re familiar with your mate’s guests or not. That pizza and the film have gone out of the window, especially if after a couple of bottles things liven up for your housemate and her CD collection.

Alone Solution

A wise man once said, “The only way to get out of it is to get stuck into it”. The trick to getting your space in this instance is to demonstrate sociability. Grumping about because you’re peeved at the invasion will make things worse and won’t inspire people’s cooperation. You needn’t dance on tables or sink yards of ale, but a drink or two (it’s up to you whether you want to accept dinner or not if it’s offered) and genuinely genial chat compounds the fact that it’s your space too and that you’re level pegging in the hospitality stakes. It’s a polite way of marking your territory while keeping feelings good and other people’s consideration and respect on the straight and narrow. And when you’re ready, retire with your original plans. Be explicit about what you’re doing. This way, you increase your chances ten fold of not being bothered by anyone.

AT 2: ‘So Long, Farewell…’

Sometimes, even the merriest of solo goers can feel deserted now and then. If you’re at a loss for company, don’t panic.

Alone Scenario

Somehow, all of your friends and family have managed to book their summer holidays away at the same time. For the next ten days, you’re going to be sans accomplices for the cinema/dinner/weekend shenanigans/lunch break hook ups/Etc. You’re even strapped for people to call for a chat because your nearest and dearest have all taken off abroad. You’re at a royal loose end, which has been made especially potent given that you’re not planted on an exotic beach enjoying yourself.

Are you wishing you were alone here?

Alone Solution

First of all, abandon any sense of ‘hard done by’ as wallowing in self-pity will only make things worse. Instead, look at this social dearth as an opportunity to see to all those solo activities you’ve fallen behind with. Perhaps you’ve been craving a chance to get on with a bunch of short stories? Maybe you’ve got a great book sitting on your bedside table that you’ve not started yet? Or that DVD box set your friend lent you but you’ve not had the opportunity to tuck into yet? This is a good opportunity for a healthy slab of R’n’R. Treat yourself as well: take yourself out for lunch after a Saturday morning shopping or go get your hair restyled. This is also a great chance to catch up with people who are important but not necessarily in your immediate circle of friends and family; your aunt, for instance – phone her for a chat or take her out to tea, or an old school friend who you’ve been keeping up with on Facebook but haven’t called on the phone or met up with yet.

AT 3: ‘Don’t Wanna Be All By Myself.’

For some, the idea of passing a second without someone else by their side is tantamount to sticking pins in their eyes. Autophobia might make for a social whirl of a person, but what about those times when the company option just ain’t happening?

Alone Scenario

As usual, you’ve been hitting the tiles with your friends most days this month, be it out on the town, round yours or at other people’s places. But tonight’s Tuesday and everybody’s knackered or have other plans. It’s rare, but it looks like you’re going to be home alone this evening (yikes!) and despite calling everyone in your phonebook – just about – half your friends aren’t picking up or are giving you the dreaded N.O. As time ticks on, you feel a sense of rising panic: even if your plans constitute no more than loading the dishwasher or doing your laundry, not having someone present while doing so is horrifying. Hell, even the IM facility on Facebook chat isn’t coming up with the goods, let alone enticing Friends. What the hell are you going to do?

Alone Solution

It might sound harsh, but if it’s really that bad, you got issues you need to address, friend. Dependency on others for the sake of self-affirmation requires work and is indicative of low self-esteem. All we will say, though, is if other people enjoy spending time with you, so should you – you’re a great person and clearly very magnetic. However, if it’s merely because the company of others has become so commonplace that you find yourself talking to thin air forgetting there’s nobody else there with you, that’s not so desperate (give or take…). But you could probably do with scheduling in more time alone (refer to intro as to why). Often, the autophobe is one such that is lucky enough to possess mountains of energy and a love of sharing. Make sure, though, that you spend some of this joie de vivre on yourself and yourself only. The autophobe is often pretty spontaneous as well, which often equates lapses in responsibility. Look on the opportunity of a night alone as – as ever – a chance to reconvene with yourself. Even if it’s just sitting down to sort out your bills, do so with enjoyment knowing that tomorrow when you hook up with your besties again, you won’t have anything niggling you. Better still, cook yourself a slap up dinner and take in a couple of films. Do whatever to remind yourself that you’re good company, especially for yourself. After all, loads of other people think so.

Another tip for those who genuinely find it difficult to be alone but know that they could maybe do with/get used to spending time by themselves is to consciously do things by themselves. Beginning with baby steps, take yourself out for coffee or wander round an art gallery, any little activity that lasts no longer than an hour and work your way up. Tanya Davis puts it best: watch the following video of her touching poem on the subject, also entitled ‘How To Be Alone’…

Filmaker, Andrea Dorfman, and poet/singer/songwriter, Tanya Davis on how to be alone