Cancel the cocktails? Again...?

We all know one. The girl who’s always up for coffees, nights out and girly gossips on the phone until she falls in love. As soon as the boy du jour comes onto the scene you’re dropped like a hot potato as she favours spending time with her beau over time with you. We’ve all known a girl like that, hell, at times we’ve probably all been a girl like that.

The first flush of love is exciting, intoxicating and heady. You can’t eat, sleep or function without their adorable grin or incredible eyes popping into your head. All you want to talk about is the great things you’ve done, how amazing he makes you feel and all the lovely things he has said to you. It is natural to be consumed like this at the start and your friends will understand for a while. But make excuses too many times and you may find yourself having to eat a lot of humble pie to get your friends to talk to you again.

We all know how difficult it can be to squeeze everything in. We lead busy lives; juggling jobs, friends, family and lovers and finding the right balance can be a struggle. There will always be times when certain aspects of life have to take a back seat, whether that is your friendships or your relationship. A recent UCLA study showed that friendship is often the first thing to be dropped during busy and stressful times in our lives. But the same study also proved that friendships are vital to our health and happiness. Something to think about? Most good friends will understand this and accept spending less time with you for a while. But there is a difference between going AWOL due to a stressful time at work and bailing on your friends in order to snuggle up with your man.

As more and more of us move away from family and settle down later on, friends have become central to our lives. Your best friends can always be relied upon to accompany you on nights out, cheer you up when you’re sad and be there for you no matter what. Anyone who has ever nursed the pain of a broken heart knows how indispensable friends are. From pouring wine down your neck to allowing you to call at 3a.m. sobbing, they are the reasons you get through the heartache.

It’s not just the tough times that friends are great for though. The fun-filled girly holidays, vodka-fuelled nights out or just lazing on the sofa in your PJs with a pizza and Dirty Dancing would all be far less exciting without your mates. So why do so many girls forget all this as soon as they couple up? A friend (who declined to be named) has experienced the irritation and upset that losing a good friend to a man can cause. “It wasn’t just that she suddenly had so much less time to spend with me, but she seemed different when he was around as well. I did like him but I got so sick of him tagging along with us all the time. I felt like I never got to see her alone. It was horrible but the friendship just disintegrated.”

Female friendships have always been more complex then male ones. From the first girl you shared your Barbies with, friendships with the fairer sex are more intimate and intense than any other relationship. They can be subject to jealousy, bitchiness and mistrust. But the best friendships transcend all the nastier by-products of intensity and are full of love, comfort and trustworthiness. These are the friendships that are worth their weight in gold and should be cherished.

Which is precisely why being tossed aside for a boy will hurt so much. It is hard to accept that your number one confidante has someone else equally important in their lives. Being rejected by a friend can often be more painful than being rejected by a lover, mainly because you never expect a friend to not want you anymore.

It's hard to say goodbye to a friendship

I had a friend who would always disappear off the scene as soon as she got a boyfriend. What made it even worse was that whenever I saw her, the boyfriend was always in tow. We couldn’t enjoy the intimate gossipy chats that had been the lifeblood of our friendship because he was there. She was also totally different around him, turning into a simpering girl with no opinions of her own. Needless to say this friendship is no more. I found this very sad but after spending so long being cancelled at the last minute, the whole friendship became too stressful.

But what should you do if you want to try and retain the friendship? Katie, 25 found that explaining her feelings was enough. “I sat her down (alone!) and explained that whilst I was thrilled she had found someone she cared about so much, I still wanted to see her too. I also said that I understood she had less time but our friendship was important to me. She apologised and made a real effort. They are still together and we have maintained our friendship.”

This is the whole crux of the matter: friendships need time and effort invested to be sustained. Those that have been too neglected can take a long time to recover, if they ever do. Being let down too many times by a friend can force you to re-evaluate their importance in your life, and make you seek what you need elsewhere.

And what of the girls who do the ditching? Another nameless girl admits that she used to do the same thing every time she met a new man. “It wasn’t intentional but I would find myself cancelling plans or just not being as available for my friends. I never thought about it at the time really but after the third time a relationship ended and I found myself asking for my friends’ help I realised I wasn’t being fair. I had to apologise profusely and put a lot of time into my friendships to get them back on track. But I realised how lucky I was to have them and would never behave that way again.”

So the next time you find yourself reaching for the phone to cancel a friend to see your man, just stop and think for a minute and ask yourself where would you be without her?