Monogamy can be a heavy burden...

I have often found when talking to friends on the subject a rather closed off view of what a relationship is and should be. Not one of the people I talk to casually on the subject can relate to really desiring someone else, or even needing to resist temptation. For one of my closest friends it is simply a matter of closing off that part of yourself once you find someone special. To me, that is just as naive as the idea that sleeping around will solve problems in a relationship, or bring you closer to your partner, and is an irritatingly moralistic viewpoint.

The Myth of Monogamy

The idea that in a healthy, stable and loving relationship no one ever has thoughts of straying is ridiculous. Sleeping with the same person night after night while comforting in its way, is not always a roller-coaster ride of excitement. Monogamy breeds monotony; once you both have every move down pat and those first hot and heavy months are just a dim memory it’s hard not to start indulging in a little harmless fantasising about the copy guy at work with the great bum. Maybe exploring others is the way to keep things fresh and exciting while still enjoying all the benefits of monogamy, like companionship and a deeper connection. I prefer a more complex approach and understand that nothing in life is ever that straightforward – especially relationships and sex. Just because someone is fulfilling you emotionally doesn’t necessarily mean that your desire for the new and exciting suddenly disappears.

Aside for the lucky few who are sated by one partner over the course of a lifetime, for most of us, monogamy will always be a perpetual exercise in self control. It can be a heavy burden indeed and one that sees over 50 per cent of all UK marriages fail, 51 per cent of those due to infidelity. In evolutionary terms, wanting more than one partner was once a tool of survival. So it could be argued that suppressing that biological urge in favour of conforming to modern society’s rules and expectations goes against nature and our fundamental makeup as human beings. Far-fetched and a little self-serving? Perhaps. But when everything in our society labels monogamy: good, polygamy: bad this evolutionary argument goes a long way to explaining why so many people cheat. After all, it can’t all be motivated by selfishness and immaturity.

Let’s for a second, however, move away from the purely physical aspect of an open relationship. While some people do use an open relationship as an excuse to sleep with others without the guilt, it seems a greater percentage use the idea as a way of finding a sort of fulfilment they don’t believe they will find through monogamy. The concept of free love in the 1960s was based on the idea that you can never hope to get everything you need from just one person; a non traditionalist rebellion of modern ideas about marriage, monogamy and sexuality, not just an excuse to screw everything in sight. Open relationships are a kind of halfway house, a median strip between monogamy and free love.  An open marriage or relationship becomes dangerous when it is instigated out of a need to feel completed by something outside of yourself.

Self-love before multi-love

Andrea Zanin has an MA in Women’s Studies and most of her writing deals with the topic of polyamory, she says: “Be happy alone first. Then add one or more partners to enhance, deepen and enjoy that happiness with you. But do not make your happiness dependent on someone else’s presence in your life or your bedroom, let alone two or three people’s presence. That’s not a relationship, that’s co-dependence.” Therefore, the cornerstone of this sort of endeavour is a strong sense of self love, an enjoyment of your own company and solid sense of self.

Can just one person really satisfy you?

According to Andrea, understanding the sort of person you are, and what it is you need out of a relationship is the only way of successfully pulling off a polygamous lifestyle. On her website Sex Geek, Andrea invites the reader to answer some important questions that can help  you figure out if this is the lifestyle for you.

For better and for worse

It seems we are becoming more open to the idea of extra-marital affairs as a way of salvaging or enhancing a relationship. According to the website Illicit Encounters, British couples are increasingly open to exploring infidelity as a way of strengthening their marriage. In fact, the vast majority who use the site reported improvements, with only 0.5 percent saying it weakened the relationship. It seems forty years after the fact, society is finally catching up to the notion of free love.

Site administrator, Sara Hartley says she can hardly believe the changes in attitude towards the site since it was first conceived in 2003.

“People are beginning to consider extra-marital relationships in a new light, perhaps as a device intended to strengthen a marriage, rather than dissolve it. It seems, unlike Cheryl and Ashley, who have just confirmed their separation after only three and half years of marriage, many British couples are choosing to stick together, for better and for worse.”

This is really what lies at the heart of an open relationship; not just sexual openness but a kind of brutal honesty that few relationships experience. Rather than hide a part of yourself you expose everything for your partner to see. It is the ultimate act of bravery and foolishness. Sara sees Cheryl and Ashley as just another casualty of social constraint and unquestioning traditionalism. A polygamist looks outside moral convention and shies away from tradition for the mere sake of it. Whereas an open relationship for these two would truly have been a free pass for Ashley and nothing more, I don’t think mutually sanctioned cheating is at the heart of the truly polygamous relationship. Above anything you have to be brave, the sort of bravery that can shoulder with equanimity daily scorn, misunderstanding and disgust.

Can open relationships work?

It takes ground rules, and a lot of the most honest communication you will ever have with either yourself or your partner to make an open relationship work. It means keeping the lines of communication open and maintaining a new level of, albeit odd, trust in one another. Boundaries must be set and rules established early on, and these can vary depending on the couple. But as many found in the 1960s the concept of truly free love, without emotions or baggage, is complicated and often unattainable.

Does 1+1 equate to happiness today?

After all, is anything ever really free? We’re talking about an age before life-threatening STDs for starters. Consequence free sex may not exist and when we get down to it, is an open relationship really an advanced approach to monogamy? Despite the statistics, it would be a special couple indeed for whom sleeping with other people brought them closer together and when you strip away the self-justification the idea of an open relationship can seem a little sophomoric. There is a reason we usually never get to have our cake and eat it too. There are pros and cons to being single as well as being in a relationship; thinking that you can enjoy the perks of both without any of the drawbacks is naive. Inevitably natural human jealousy and possessiveness rear their ugly heads, attachments form or comparisons begin. That is not to say we cannot separate love and sex sometimes, but eventually the fantasy ends and reality takes its place.

Writer Jennifer Dozier watched the decline of her friend’s marriage after a long experiment with open marriage. She noted that despite pledges to be honest with one another, both inevitably began editing their experiences, leaving out feelings of closeness experienced during encounters with others.

“Both spouses began to have little or no sexual interest in each other, as they were far more interested in finding someone “new” to have sex with. The difficulties they endured by integrating sex with third parties, no matter how temporary, slowly drove a more complex and dishonest wedge between the two of them.”

The general thinking behind the concept seems to be the idea that, if most marriages and relationships eventually deteriorate due to jealousy and desire why not head the trouble off at the pass? Regain some control by taking the reins and facing head on what most couples shy away from? We’ve all had thoughts about someone else but never done anything about it because we were in a loving relationship, but what if your partner suddenly gives you the green light to cheat? Where does human jealousy end and empowerment begin? If loving is letting go then maybe this is the way of the future, love in its purest form. Then again, there is something to be said for the promise of fidelity and knowing that your partner really can get everything they need from you and you alone.