Are you still in a toxic friendship?

Breaking up is never easy; feelings of hurt, betrayal and anger often weigh heavy on the minds of those going through a split.  But for those who experience the emotional turmoil of a break-up with a best friend as opposed to a boyfriend, the after-effects can often run far deeper than a ‘clean break’ from a partner who simply wasn’t up to scratch.

Take my situation for example: I have one ex-best friend.  Our break-up has proved to be a long and drawn-out affair involving simmering resentments and pent-up frustrations over situations that happened years ago.  Some people suggest that to split from a friend after so many years of (mostly happy) memories is a little sad. But isn’t it sadder to compromise my happiness for the sake of sentimentality?

We may have promised to each other that boyfriends could come and go; other friends would never come between us or that distance couldn’t possibly pull us apart but the truth of the matter is that we could never have known the extent to which we would mature and evolve into different people.  And the fact that I fully realise and accept this, while she believes that I am a selfish and unreasonable bitch, has lead to one highly toxic friendship which eventually resulted in one very fraught break-up.

So why do so many females find themselves in similar situations; often afraid to declare their true feelings for fear of the fall-out which results from cutting ties with the past?  According to Andrea Lavinthal and Jessica Rozler, co-authors of Friend or Frenemy?  A Guide to the Friends You Need and The Ones You Don’t , some women are more prone to attracting an unhealthy relationship with a ‘frenemy’ (a friend who is an enemy), suggesting that, ‘As women, we’re sometimes taught to avoid confrontation and put our own feelings last…in some cases the unpleasantness of remaining in the friendship is nothing compared to the drama of ending it.’

Growing Apart, Growing Up

However, not all break-ups are the result of toxic situations with catty females who are only interested in remaining within a friendship to provide themselves with an ego boost. One of the main reasons for breaking up with a friend is actually an increase in physical and emotional distance. In short, we grow apart.  Some women can move thousands of miles away from one another and remain bosom buddies, while others find that an increase in physical distance inevitably leads to a heightened emotional distance.  As we age, we develop different interests and passions, we form different friendships and partnerships to those of our youth. In short, we grow up.  It is only natural that some friendships may suffer as a result, and it is now that many women are faced with the ultimate dilemma: whether to cut all ties with a friend who once enriched their lives or to stay in a dead-end friendship.

As Lavinthal and Rozler note, it is often easier to remain in a friendship which has run its course simply for the sake of convenience or to avoid any bitterness or resentment.  Whether you find yourself in a toxic and unhealthy friendship, or one which no longer offers a close bond, making the decision to instigate a break-up is always tough, and it is often difficult to commit yourself to the ‘right’ time to do it.

The ‘Phase Out’ vs ‘Clean-Break’

While there may be no easy way to go-about breaking up, it is a personal decision for many which is often borne out of a number of factors.  Perhaps marriage and children have gotten in the way of a once solid friendship; maybe jealousy or unresolved past issues have played their part in a bust-up or physical and emotional distance has signalled that the time is right to walk away from this particular chapter in your life.  Whatever the reason for a split with a female friend, there are various ways to break-up; some more painful than others.

Sometimes it's best just to move on...

Julia Feldmeier, a Washington Post journalist, suggests, in her article ‘Friends Forever? What happens When Kinship Sours – and How to Move On’ that the ‘quick and dirty’ approach is favoured for those toxic friendships, while conversely the ‘subtle phase-out’ can be applied to those situations in which feelings should be largely spared.  The ‘clean-break’ approach favours honesty and swift action to cut ties, while the subtle option is offered as ‘a way to distance ourselves without burning bridges.  We keep the door open for the small possibility of reconciliation, the chance that they’ll change, that we’ll change – or that circumstances will find us together again, in need of company, if not friendship.’

For me, breaking up with my best friend was tough, but I am reassured that I have done the right thing by being honest with my emotions.  I simply had nothing left to offer in our friendship, and she had nothing to offer me.  I became tired of hanging on blindly to a friendship which no longer made me happy, but I hope that she realises that the time came to look after number one for a change, and that it was nobody’s fault.

Whatever the situation, the how, when and why of splitting with a once close friend should be given great consideration; the most important element to consider being exactly why you would wish to split up in the first place.  Does the friendship bring you happiness?  Joy?  Fulfillment?  Does it enrich your life?  If the answer to these questions is a resounding ‘no’ then perhaps you should consider your next course of action.

It is inevitable that a number of friendships will end in natural conclusion, while others will come to a grinding halt, but remember, breaking up with an individual who has played such a key role in your life is never going to be a walk in the park.  Be honest with yourself and focus on those friendships which provide you with positive experiences in the here and now; don’t delay the inevitable in order to cling on to the past.