Don't feel bad about saying no!

Unless you’re a total sociopath, chances are you’ve had your share of timidity in situations where you’ve felt unable to voice what you truly think. We all have, be it with friends, work colleagues or managers, telemarketers, over-zealous shop assistants or complete strangers. But we’re not talking about kicking off or being downright obnoxious and inflexible when you can’t get your own way. We mean avoiding letting yourself get into positions or situations that you will later resent to your own detriment.

Being assertive is in fact social communication between individuals flowing efficiently and appropriately, while respecting the needs and wishes of other people. It’s also a terrific confidence booster. Whether it’s to ensure you stick within your salaried remit in the workplace through to deciding which film you see at the cinema with a date, Running In Heels brings you twelve ways to be more assertive.

Don’t Mess People Around

First and foremost, remember that other people, particularly if they’re directly involved in something you’ve pandered or committed to, could probably do with knowing where they stand. Instead of feeling shy about asserting yourself, remember that in stating your true feelings about things, you are actually respecting other people and their time and energy. Don’t do things just because you think it’s what other people want to hear: letting them down at the eleventh hour, whatever the matter at hand, is going to piss them off way more in the long run.

Think About How You’d Feel…

Further to point one, put yourself on the opposite side of the table. This is very simple: how would you like to be treated? More than likely with honesty and respect. Thus, do unto others and all that.

Just Say No

Okay; the biggie. Two letters, one heck of a word. Saying “No” is a darn sight harder than it looks, and takes practice not just to perfect its delivery, but also for you to feel cool letting it tumble forth. There’s no need to be snarky (in fact, apply that rule always and be polite) but you are completely at liberty to opt not to do something. Everyone is.

Let’s imagine a case scenario: you’re in a little boutique looking for an outfit to wear to a wedding/birthday party/fancy event. Let’s go with the cliché and assume the shop assistant is a bit snotty. You feel slightly intimidated the moment you walk in and catch her eye. Okay, so she might look you up and down; you might curse yourself for wearing raggy jeans and filthy high tops, but point of the matter is you’re there to potentially spend money – the shop assistant knows this. So, as you rake through the rails and pick out a few things to try on, she will know it’s time to go in for the hard sell.

If she makes sartorial suggestions that are way off the mark (for whatever reason) just say, absolutely, no mucking about, “No.” Unless you really like a suggestion she’s made, don’t fall into the trap of a) letting her bully you, b) feeling intimidated and c) ending up with something you actually hate/can’t afford. Be straight: it’s your money and your time; she’s paid to be there all day and to make as many sales as possible. You should not be made to feel like you are a conduit for her success. Spare everyone the hassle and say, “No.”

No Need To Explain

Simple as that. You don’t need to state the reasons you do or don’t want to do something if you don’t want to. A simple, “I’d rather…” or, “No, I don’t think I can…” is perfectly acceptable. Unless someone expressly asks you why or why not, don’t feel obliged to explain yourself with any kind of profusion – that’s just unnecessary babbling. Remember, if another person becomes aggressive in their demand for you to explain yourself, they’re disrespecting you (if you’re feeling assertive, tell them so!). But never rise to aggression, ever. Cool and polite, always, no matter how rude other people get. And if they insult you? Remove yourself from the discussion.

Don't do like Marcel Marceau and mimic

Mirror Mirror

Ingratiate your tone of voice and body language so that it matches that of the other person. Don’t get all Single White Female about things, nor make like Marcel Marceau and start mimicking everything they do like some weirdo sycophant. However, if they’re sitting on a chair, you sit too; if they’re standing, stand too.

Basically, if your physical presence is above their level, you’ll be subconsciously emitting aggressive vibes. In turn, if you sit down and they remain standing, you’re automatically subordinate. Same goes for tone of voice and speed of speech. All of this is very subconscious and clever. Your discussion partner will inadvertently appropriate themselves to you if they pick up signals that they’re speaking with someone who’s coming from the same place as them. In turn, they’re likely to be far more open to anything you have to say.

Body Language

Following on from complementing other peoples’ body language, be aware of your own too. The big one to remember here is eye contact. If you’re face to face with a person, make sure you keep your eyes on theirs. Avoiding eye contact looks furtive and will send out the wrong signals. Also, if you’re hunched or fidgeting, others won’t read you as especially confident. Relax your shoulders, keep your back straight and stand with your feet shoulder width apart – but no need to look like a soldier on parade.

If you’re not getting anywhere with your point of view, remain calm and move one of your feet so that you’re standing in fourth position: this stance is confident but open too.

Finally, fidgety hands and arms flaw most people. Avoid crossing your arms across your chest as this subconsciously sends out bulldozer vibes or signals that you’re scared. Instead, ‘steeple’ your fingers: press your thumbs and tips of your fingers against the tips of those on your other hand to make a sort of steeple shape. This beseeching hand arrangement is sincere and because the A-frame your fingers make will naturally point toward the other person, it will be subconsciously read as – literally – to the point.

Give Me A Minute…

If you feel like you’ve been put on the spot in making a decision or replying to a request or question, don’t panic. You are well within your rights to go away and have a think. Be this a few minutes or a few days, you can buy yourself time without upsetting anybody in asking to be permitted the liberty of being given time to mull something over.

Whatever your response in the end, the good thing about stating you need a little time to think before you get back to someone with a reply might also mean that the other person has also had a little think about plan B, C and D too. If your answer isn’t in the affirmative, chances are plan C actually looks like the more practical option after all and you’re off the hook anyway.

Hangin’ On The Telephone

If you’re on the phone, let the other person state their piece without your interruption. Pause before you reply too: this needn’t be awkward, but exercising beats of silence is a goodway of holding your ground. It shows that you are truly listening to the other person and considering their point of view, even if you have already made up your mind. Don’t take the position of a passive aggressive – remain fair and balanced in tone and speech, but don’t feel you have to fill empty spaces with noise. The other person will likely be far more uncomfortable (not that you’re trying to freak them out, of course) with silences and may well lose their conviction in blustering to fill them.

This actually applies to face to face engagement too. Silence is not representative of being dumbfounded: it displays consideration and respect for others. Remember that!

Shhh! Silence is a sign of respect.

Starting Afresh

Exercising assertiveness with people who are new to you is easier than doing so with those who you’ve known for some time. In that, new people are a great way to build confidence in this way as they are unlikely to carry any preconceptions as to how you might react or respond. Furthermore, they will come to see you as a straight talking (although not rude, remember!), honest and confident person and will treat you so therein. Building up self-respect in this way will mean that you’ll be able to take on the most formidable of people in time!

Starting afresh is especially applicable with the likes of or new boyfriends / girlfriends or friends. Control isn’t the game here, but submission isn’t either.

Be Decisive

To the best of your ability, be decisive. We’ve all got one or two people we know who tend to respond to suggestions with irritating phrases such as, “I don’t mind what we do,” or “Whatever”. Quite frankly, it’s more than probable they do mind, but aren’t confident enough to say so. In fact, when people tell you they don’t mind what film you see at the cinema/what bar you go to/which restaurant you eat at, they’re actually really disrespecting you: unwittingly, they’re shifting all the responsibility onto other people. And let’s face it; isn’t it usually the people who ‘don’t mind’ who end up whingeing about what a shit night they’ve had/how crap the film was/what a rank meal they ended up having?

Watch yourself for phrases like this. There’s no need to claim the control, but if others see that you’re confident in stating what you’d like to do, it’s more likely they’ll feel better about giving their opinion too. And in doing so, a decision will be made without the ping pong, even if it’s drawn up amid compromise.

Meet Halfway

Whatever the situation, meeting halfway will satisfy matters with equality of respect. Nobody has had to fully compromise themselves, nor will either side feel as though their opinion is less important than the other’s and feel resentment or put upon. The halfway house approach is actually perfect for any situation: it expresses flexibility on your part as well as sensibility and responsibility for what you are or aren’t able to fulfill. It also adds a bit of magic clout in that if you are asked to do something by someone, they will feel like you’re really making time for them – even though you’re not necessarily carrying out or fulfilling everything they initially asked from you. Clever, huh?

Respect Yourself

Perhaps the most important point and to all intents the key to gaining confidence and being more assertive. Always, always respect yourself. Your feelings and opinions DO matter, however much you might think they don’t. Your time is also at stake: just think about those people who charge hundreds of pounds for half a day of their time. They charge so because they respect themselves and their abilities. Do not let other people exploit your time – you have better things to do than hang around or be walked on. Also, think about the last time you were edged into a position or situation where you really weren’t comfortable. Bet you felt crap afterward? Maybe thoroughly pissed off too? So, don’t let yourself get into a repeat situation. If you say, “Yes, of course, whatever you say,” when what you actually meant to say was, “No, I can’t; I really don’t have the time to do that,” then you’re shafting yourself. Respecting yourself means taking responsibility for yourself also. You, your opinions, your time and your feelings are just as important as the next person’s.

Treat other people and approach their opinions and feelings (however difficult they might be) with the same level of respect.

But remember, always be fair and polite!