More connected, yet more alone?

As I sit down to write about loneliness in the 21st Century, I first close the series of tabs at the top of my screen that could distract me from the task at hand: Yahoo! inbox, Gmail inbox, Facebook (reluctantly), Skype and msn messenger. My faithful Nokia sits by my side, looking tired and worn from overuse. We live in a privileged time, whereby keeping in touch with friends and family no longer requires expensive phone calls or long car journeys. We can choose from a wondrous list of technologies that make communicating with loved ones fast, easy and fantastically cheap. Not only that, but through the Internet we have access to whole communities in chat rooms and forums, and can meet new people with a few strokes of the keypad. Never in the history of humankind have we been so connected to each other, technologically-speaking at least.

With so many channels of communication available to us, the obvious assumption would be that feelings of loneliness are in decline. However, according to ‘The Lonely Society?’; a major new study by The Mental Health Foundation, of the 2,200 people surveyed, 11 per cent said they “often” feel lonely, and nearly half think people are getting lonelier in general. The study also revealed that loneliness isn’t just a symptom of the elderly, as one might expect, with more and more children describing experiences of loneliness, and maybe unsurprisingly a higher percentage of women were reported as feeling lonely than men.

But what exactly is loneliness?

It is important not to confuse being on our own with being lonely. Many people are perfectly content in their own company, and indeed relish the chance to spend some time alone! While others may feel the anxious pangs of isolation in a crowded bar surrounded by close friends. Mental health charity, Mind, define it as an ‘unbearable feeling of separateness’ and according to The Mental Health Foundation, a lonely person ‘does not derive pleasure from solitude’. Feeling lonely from time to time is completely normal. By nature we are social creatures and seek reassurance and pleasure from each other’s company, so being on our own can make us feel insecure and even depressed. But loneliness is only really a problem when ‘it settles for long enough to create a persistent, reinforcing, loop of negative doubt.’

The very structure of communities in the UK has changed dramatically over the past 50 years

Divorce rates in the UK have doubled, as has the percentage of people living on their own. The idea of knowing every person on your street is now just a romantic notion of an idyllic past. In our grandparents’ generation it was normal to settle in the place you were born, where a readymade network of family and friends were never too far away. Nowadays, in cities especially, people are more transient and frequently move to wherever their job, partner or ambitions take them. So are these changes for the worse? Surely the fact that we can choose where we live, see more of the world and meet all kinds of interesting people along the way, makes us more broadminded with richer and fuller lives. I can have a cup of tea with mum over Skype, keep up with old friends on Facebook, and make social plans with a simple text message, so being ‘in touch’ with people is certainly not a problem.

However, ‘The Lonely Society?’ argues that the way we communicate with each other has changed due to new technologies. SMS messaging and emails have sped up the way we work and socialise, and we can feel pressure to cram more into our already jam-packed lives. We might choose to send an email instead of meet face-to-face, or text instead of call to catch up with friends, which may be more convenient but doesn’t really give the same depth and quality of interaction. Research has also shown that actual physical contact produces health-promoting hormones and improves cognitive function. Sadly your Blackberry can’t boast the same benefits.

Facebook: friend or foe?

Whether the explosion of social media is more useful than harmful prompted some strong opinions from my friends. Some have now removed their profiles from Facebook claiming it’s just a childish popularity contest, which can exacerbate insecurities. Reading other people’s walls and looking through photos can actually fuel feelings of separateness and exclusion. Another friend commented that because of the immediacy of text messaging and email, if she doesn’t receive an instant reply she sometimes can feel rejected or unimportant. Of course mobile technology can interfere even when you are in the physical presence of friends. It’s an all too common and sad scene; friends huddled around a table in the pub in silence, furiously tapping away on their iPhones. After a recent trip to the cinema I found myself waiting impatiently whilst one friend was ‘tweeting’ about the film and the other was Googling the director. This did not make me feel lonely as such, but did make me question whether my friends had a better relationship with their phones than with me! Worryingly it seems mobile technology is an acceptable distraction from real human interaction and we’re allowing it to destroy conversation.

Mobile phones have actually isolated us

Like anything in life, using technology to our benefit without isolating ourselves, is about striking a balance. We should use it when appropriate but favour face-to-face contact if we can. It’s important to match the media to the message, so text your mate to tell her you’re running half an hour late, but call or meet for coffee if you she wants to talk about her relationship troubles. Telling folk on Facebook we ‘like’ something is fun, but ensure you make the time to do the things you like with the people that matter to you. Otherwise we’re in danger of replacing human interaction and all the expression, warmth and intimacy that comes with it with words on a screen.

The good news is; if you’re feeling lonely, you’re not alone…

Mind offer practical and simple advice to help overcome loneliness:

● If being by yourself makes you feel lonely, then try to learn to be alone. Do things that you love doing, by yourself. For example, stay in and watch your favourite film or treat yourself to a fantastic meal. Other people enjoy your company, so should you!

● If being with people makes you feel anxious, then take steps to learn to feel comfortable. If you find it hard talking to people then start by making conversations with shopkeepers, and build your confidence up slowly.

● If you have an interest or passion, why not go and meet others in your area with the same interests?

●  Try something new. Always fancied rock-climbing or jewellery-making? Book on to a course where you’ll meet lots of new people and learn a new skill.

●  Talking to a therapist or counsellor can help you understand the reasons why you’re feeling lonely and empower you to take steps to overcome them.