Rejecting a glass of wine and a chat?

Friday night cocktails are incomplete without tales of dating drama and relationship gossip, and the accompanying cliches we dole out to comfort and reassure the people in our lives that they are not alone.

But as we become increasingly reliant on social media outlets like Facebook and Twitter in our day to day lives, it seems many women are favouring the advice of perfect strangers on online forums and chat rooms to that of their friends.

The Forum Advocate

Rachel, a 23-year-old teacher from Doncaster, frequents message boards for advice on her dramatic six-year relationship with boyfriend James.

“It’s easier to post anonymously online because you don’t have to look your friends in the eye and tell them your deepest, darkest secrets, and risk them secretly judging you,” she explains.

“You get a lot of cliches online, or people being really bold and telling you to end the relationship when they have only read a paragraph of your life and really have no idea. But it’s good to write everything out – it helps you process your thoughts.”

Posting problems online can indeed be therapeutic, as can keeping a diary or writing a letter to someone. It can also prove invaluable to women in abusive relationships or with drug or alcohol addictions as a vital step towards admitting a problem or seeking help.

But Rachel has pinpointed a major flaw. By posting online to avoid face to face confessions, women may find the internet becomes a barrier between themselves and their ‘real life’ friends, who they no longer rely on for advice.

The Dangers of Forums

‘Lisa B’, a first-time forum user, posted her marital problems on the online message board of a popular magazine, seeking advice on her husband’s reluctancy to have children.

“I love spending my life with him,” she wrote. “He is my best friend, but I don’t know if I can make that sacrifice or if he’ll ever change his mind.”

An hour later, a reply appeared urging her it would be “kinder to him and yourself to let him go, or one day you’ll meet someone better and you’ll realise what’s missing.”

Lisa replied: “You’re right. You are saying all the things I already know in my head but am terrified to admit to myself. It’s just so nice to be able to say this to someone after keeping it to myself for so long.”

It is impossible to know whether Lisa will follow the advice of her chat room friend, or go on to consult her friends, family and husband, or even seek professional advice.

But the golden rule has been broken. Friends will only interfere to this extent in extreme for fear of offering bad advice, but the anonymity of the internet has broken down this barrier and a stranger offering rashly formed opinions is far less likely to be cautious, or to have the recipient’s interests at heart.

Even those with the best intentions can forget that behind the screen lies a real person, with real issues, relationships, concerns and doubts. They will judge a person’s situation on a few lines of late-night angry ramblings, because this is all they have to go on, and add their two-pennies worth without seriously believing they will be taken them at their word.

Are forums the best place for advice?

And while the advice may well be genuine, it will be based on their own experiences, not on those of the recipient. Where a friend might say “Don’t be silly, it’s just a blip. You’ve always been happy,” and stop things from being blown out of proportion, an outsider with minimal insight is likely to take the issue completely out of context and see only the negative.

The Psychologist’s Point of View

Internet expert and psychologist Graham Jones believes the extent to which women rely on online relationship advice is closely linked to personality trends.

“Some people take the advice as gospel, whereas others see it as part of a wider picture,” he explains. “This seems to be related to personality type in some way and factors like depression also play a part. Women who are depressed could be more likely to see the answers they get as certain.”

The anonymity of the internet can add perceived value to the writer’s opinion, and will often plant unnecessary doubts in the minds of vulnerable women.

Graham’s research indicates that, when it comes to marriage and relationships, people are more likely to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth on the internet. When hiding behind a pseudonym, people have nothing to lose and, in turn, responses from other users reflect the same level of brutal honesty.

“Because it is possible to have multiple online identities, some people set up their public version of themselves, but present the more personal and real individual that they are as another online persona.”

But Graham disagrees that forums can damage female friendships, instead indicating that women will touch upon sensitive issues with their friends, and later go online and expand on the issue to their friends, or in a forum, adding detail they may be uncomfortable admitting in person.

“The internet is increasing connections between people and providing much higher levels of support than was ever possible without the web. We may find that, because of the arm’s length nature of social sites, people will be more prepared to admit to issues briefly when they are with their friends, knowing that they can go online later and discuss them online, either with those same friends or with strangers on forums, behind the protection of a screen and in the comfort of their own home.

“So instead of the internet being seen as a problem for women who have difficulties and issues they need to cope with, it could well be the very thing that provides them with real help.”