Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

Co-written by friends Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, the original Rules phenomenon caused a definite stir among feminists and the general public alike. Believed by many to be old fashioned and sexist, it has also been described as “a how-to-guide that teaches women to play games and manipulate men”.

Undoubtedly, our first encounters with The Rules came under the guise of none other than a scolding or comforting mother’s advice; “Don’t run after him, let him chase you”.

What are The Rules? Explained in the book, it is [apparently] a truth universally acknowledged that men are genetically programmed to be the hunter, and therefore the pursuer/go-getter in all areas of life. Whether it’s climbing the ropes career wise, competitive sports or courting the elusive opposite sex, it is imperative this well known fact be taken into account. Fortunately for us, time has since moved on, and though The Rules fully agree with empowered women in the home and workplace, social acceptability of girls pursuing men is strictly frowned upon; women need The Rules – “not because pursuing men is morally wrong or scandalous…The Rules tell us not to pursue men for one simple reason. It doesn’t work… With all due respect, feminism has not changed men or the nature of romantic relationships.”

According to the authors, The Rules will work on any man. From the boy next door to the moody yet incredibly sexy brooding musician, they are guaranteed to capture the heart of any man, including the rich and famous; “Being famous doesn’t get in the way of dating…it makes it alarmingly easy…in a way it’s boring. I quite like the chase”, admits Hollywood actor Hugh Grant. Much to our pleasure, Fein and Schneider have cunningly included “Don’t Be a Groupie and Other Rules for Dating Celebrities or High-Profile Men” in The Rules II: More Rules to Live and Love By – just in case.

Obviously, Rules such as “Be a ‘Creature Unlike Any Other’”, “No More than Casual Kissing on the First Date”, “Don’t Date a Married Man”, and “Love Only Those Who Love You” are a given (disagree, and you may never see where you’ve gone wrong). But what about “Don’t Talk to a Man First”, “Don’t Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls”, or “Don’t Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday”?

What if he’s shy? What if he thinks I’m not interested enough for him to make the effort?! As I shared The Rules with a best friend/roomie (known henceforth as “F”), we weren’t so much against these Rules as worried they wouldn’t work. Of course, in situations where The Rules don’t in fact work, the answer is that “he’s just not that into you”. According to both Fein and Schneider, if he’s interested, he will persist; “…Why men are naturally driven by challenge is not important. The point is to do what works to have a successful relationship, which is to let men do the pursuing…in other words, to follow The Rules.” Of course, my little revelation of the “he’s just not that into you” part was a definite downer. Inner panic ensued, and secretly, we despaired over what we would do if no one were interested enough to respond to us doing The Rules in the way we wanted them to.

Luckily, we managed to surpass such negative thinking, and ventured into society each as a “Creature Unlike Any Other”. Delighted with ourselves for having practised this Rule so gracefully already (but then again, what girl doesn’t know how to look good or put on their best lady behaviour?), we succeeded in enjoying ourselves immensely practically everywhere we went – until we realised absolutely no one had approached either of us. Eventually, F captured the attention of an attractive twenty-something Jean-Pierre (literally). He was polite, well spoken (with an accent might I add), and they conversed for just the right amount of time before F decided to leave, resulting in him asking for her number.

By this time I grew anxious. I was a “Creature Unlike Any Other”, and yet, all the males in our proximity were heading straight for creatures who were completely and utterly the same as any other. My mind wandered to a conversation with friends that occurred only days before, and became even more agitated; “People think that just ‘cause a guy’s got a steak, he’ll never crave another burger. I think the donner kebab is vastly overlooked.”

I whined to F. She patiently pointed out that I had become so irritated with every single man (and boy) around me for not taking notice that I’d managed to snap and rudely reject the ones who did approach me. And I hadn’t given even a single one of them a second glance to see if they were indeed not worth the fifteen to twenty minutes I was prepared to spare. Clearly, I had anger issues (another problem altogether).

Several days later, F received a phone call from none other than Jean-Pierre. Excited, she nevertheless hid her enthusiasm, and whilst using her very best phone voice, was incredibly ladylike and elusive. He had invited her out for a meal for the next day (a Saturday), but asking her on Friday evening was simply too late notice. We were doing The Rules, and already had plans – not to mention F would be breaking the date making Rule if she’d actually accepted. Instead, she politely mentioned she was busy that night. Disappointingly though, rather than suggest an alternate night further into the week, Jean-Pierre simply accepted this – but never rang again.

Since our first initial experiences with The Rules, we have indeed had several more mishaps and interesting encounters, but rather than follow The Rules religiously 100%, we did them more a la carte (this is not advised by Ellen and Sherrie – apologies!). It seems men themselves often have their own Rules, and although they are still the primary aggressor and pursuer (which we enjoy keeping that way), they have learnt to expect and appreciate in recent times that just enough female reciprocity throughout the early stages of dating is exciting and flirtatious.

“…mothers and grandmothers have been telling us for years – having it written down just creates a mantra like style of following them. That’s my only thought as to why it could be more effective”, says F, on The Rules. “As to its actual effectiveness, I would have to say that it was unsuccessful on any male specimen with more character or smarts than a pencil…it may work on Mr. Mainstream, but smart men have rules of their own too.”