Oh Mummy!

Sometime in the mid nineties I decided to press my teenage body into a pair of my mother’s shaping tights (or what my sister and I rather nastily called her “fatty pants”). Back then; although these things claimed to be made out of nylon, they seemed more like some medieval torture garment. For a few weeks I endured a sore tummy, Chinese burns on my upper thighs, and the feeling of being vacuum packed from the waist down. But as the days wore on I began to rate the ability to breathe, move and eat (without feeling instantly nauseous from the pressure on my gut) over the effect the tights had on my body. The tights went in the bin. Needless to say, I didn’t miss them. For about fifteen years.

As time has passed and gravity has decided to turn against me, I recently decided to give it another go. But this time, I told myself, no endurance. Although I have a different relationship to pain now (giving birth to a child can have that effect), I also have a more mature perspective on the pain and beauty equation.  I told myself that if the wretched things started to take the skin off my upper thighs, they would be out. Unless they made me look totally fabulous, of course.

The decision to return to the world of fatty pants, sorry shapewear, actually came after watching one of Trinny and Susannah’s shows on what not to wear. Shapely Susannah Constantine was doing some sort of boot camp run across the rain drenched Welsh countryside with some unfortunate acolytes. When the out of shape unfortunates were trying to catch their breath, Susannah turned to them with a semi-devilish grin and said: “I bet you think this is the right way to celebrate your body?”

The heavy breathing lot looked at her, confusion emanating through every pore of their overheated bodies. “Well, you’re wrong”, hissed Susannah. And smiled. The point of the exercise was that instead of beating your body into submission in the name of beauty, you ought to celebrate the body you were given. Every day. Through dressing it properly. At first I was sceptical. And irritated.

‘Pah, of course she is going to say that’, I thought. She is a stylist trying to tout her trade. Besides, does she not have some sort of ugly shapewear out on the market as well? She’s just trying to flog her products. But grudgingly over the next few days I started realising she was right. It is not a question of not exercising. It was about exercising for the right reason. And celebrating your body every day, through wearing things that make you look good – and feel happy.

What not to wear?

Ok, so far so good. But although I would love to reach the Zen-like self loving state which would enable me to get dressed in the morning without silently (or not so silently) cursing the lumps and bumps or wobbly bits that don’t quite behave the way I want them to – that is not currently the case. The solution, according to my new what-not-to-wear gurus, was shapewear. Old memories of chafed thighs resurfaced, but I decided to have an open mind.So, shapewear it was. I soon discovered that unlike in the nineties, shapewear was no longer hidden at the back of the lingerie department next to incontinence pants and granny brassieres. And you didn’t have to choose between tormenting tights or flesh-coloured old biddy underwear with matching corsets either. My, had times changed!

Today, shapewear on the high street comes in two categories; the kind that makes you look fabulous undressed, and the kind that makes you look fabulous dressed. These are not exchangeable – if you want the whole package, you need both.

The first category needs little introduction. It is impossible today to bypass the seductions on display in the form of corsets, torselettes and stockings. You can get quite pretty figure hugging lingerie today – the trouble is, although they look fabulous when you have got the rest of your kit off, they are just for show and will do little or nothing for you under your office gear. Wear these if you plan to show them off.

The second category of shapewear is the kind that is preached about by Trinny and Susannah, although their product is by far not the only, nor the best, product that is out there.

The shapewear garments are varied but they have two things in common – they are made out of the same material as a pair of normal tights. They can reach from just under your bra strap all the way down to mid thigh. Despite resembling tights they are supposed to be used as pants and so you can choose between everything from a thong to a pair of thigh hugging shorts.

The thing is, at first look they don’t seem very comfortable. In fact, thoughts like “how on earth am I supposed to fit into that?” enter your mind. So the first time I forced my body into a pair of these, it was with both hesitance and enormous scepticism. But Hallelujah! – within a few minutes I was not only a believer but also a devotee. Not only was the support comfortable – I found I could wear whatever I wanted without any problem area or wobbly bits giving me any grief. The line of my silhouette was unbroken – it was practically aerodynamic! Within a few hours my skinny jeans were out of hibernation. Spring had returned to my autumn wardrobe.

The original Power Panty by Spanx

So, after a full year of shapewear experimenting, there is really just one thing wrong with my new obsession. It really doesn’t make you feel sexy. Or correction – it doesn’t make you feel sexy with your clothes off. Even I, shapewear devotee extraordinaire, have to admit that I wouldn’t want my significant other to wait bedside witnessing me thrashing about, trying to take it off. But – there is a solution! We must simply rediscover and revive the simple but oh so elegant art of Slipping Into Something More Comfortable. And this is where shapewear of the first category, or indeed any fancy lingerie, comes into the picture. As the hot date enters that more delicate stage, one simply flits off to somewhere more private and makes the switch. From svelte silhouette to shapely seductress in one simple move.  Or depending on the length of your relationship you may hold on to the bedpost while hubby pulls the dratted thing off. It is, of course, your choice.

There is no comparing my mother’s “fatty tights” to today’s shapewear. There are so many brands and styles out there that there really is something for everyone. The name you will probably have heard of most often is, of course, Spanx. The US brand has been around since 2000 and apparently a whopping 5.4 million pairs of their Power Panties have been sold since they launched. Their best-selling design is a suck-you-in-everywhere cycle-short style and many celebrities stateside swear by it. The brand has since expanded and now features bodyshaping tights, slips and their Haute Contour range; Spanx’s take on seductive shapewear. The Body Wrap is another American brand and their range includes a variety of high-waisted underwear, bra-slips and all-in-one shapewear solutions designed to smooth and slim your wobbly bits.

Miraclesuit specialise in high-waisted knickers that look like They Mean Business; their products have names which include phrases like “Inches Off” and “Extra Firm Control”. If you’re about to attempt squeezing into a cocktail frock, I recommend their Strapless Bodybriefer: this beauty promises to control waist and tummy whilst lifting the bust. I am not entirely sure how one is supposed to answer nature’s calls whilst wearing this. Maybe you will feel so fabulous, you’ll forget to pee?

Maidenform have been around since our grandmothers were investing in what used to be known as “foundation garments”. The brand’s Flexees range is a little more modern than their original designs from 1922, although they haven’t forgotten their beginnings; the Retro Chic Waist Cincher is certainly an item Grandma would approve of! For everyday shapewear, Flexees’ One Fabulous Body range includes camisoles and bodies or to create a perfect waist, go for their “Waist Nipper” which will create an enviable Monroe-esque silhouette.

Made by Niki's sheer shaping slip

Yummie Tummie creates shapewear which is intended to be seen. Sounds confusing? The brand offers basic tops and tees which cleverly incorporate shaping materials ensuring that all lumps and bumps are smoothed out with their secret slimming panels. The YT Basic T should be a wardrobe staple for shapewear devotees, although there’s also a selection of long-sleeved and strappy versions so you can shape and slim come rain or shine. If you’re looking for something with a little sex appeal, YT’s Teddie and Peek-a-Boo slips are simply yummy. Back with the Queens of shapewear, Trinny and Susannah; their range includes tights, thongs, briefs – all with the pair’s sartorial stamp of approval. And they do know what not to wear after all.

Fashion-forward shapewear? Are you mad? Yes ladies, it is possible! Made By Niki is a British brand specialising in fashionable foundation garments. How about a hot pink satin Magic Bum Girdle with gold lace? Or a Think of England waspie in silk and wool? They also have some very on-trend sheer girdles and shaping mini-skirts which look more Balenciaga than Bridget Jones.

Today’s shapewear lets me have my cake and eat it. Almost literally. Jokes aside, it makes me able to concentrate my weekly exercise on feeling good instead of looking good: no longer to beat my body into submission but to celebrate it every day. Through wearing whatever I want – with a figure to die for!