Have we forgotten how to converse?

Have you ever been in one of those conversations where you realise you haven’t talked about yourself, at all? In fact, with social-networking sites, texting and emails now an overwhelming part of our day-to-day life, when was the last time you even had a face-to-face conversation? In an increasingly self-centred society, over-armed with modern technology, is the art of conversation dead?

Let’s lament the loss of real verbal connection for a moment. You know, when you have a chance to sit down with a friend, a work colleague, maybe even a member of your family and just have a good old natter. It seems the sheer joy of talking and listening – just genuinely communicating – has evaporated to some extent in today’s day and age. When we need to convey a message, we just ping off an email. When we want to say “Happy Birthday” or “Congratulations”, we quickly tap out a text.

Perhaps we’re not even chatting to our loved ones at home much anymore, what with game consoles, the internet and more television channels than we can watch in a millennium – all fighting for our attention and distracting us from having a chinwag. Even when it comes to work, don’t you think sometimes it’s a welcome break to pick up the phone to hear from a certain someone, rather than staring at an email on-screen?

But if and when we do get the opportunity to talk, are we resorting to only chatting largely about ourselves, our own thoughts, our own worlds, without stopping and asking questions? A conversation isn’t a monologue; it certainly involves more than one voice! And being a great conversationalist doesn’t come easy, because it’s a skill that can be worked on, mastered and perfected. To sum it up in an oft-used cliché: practice makes perfect.

Put simply, the key to good conversation is to get outside of ourselves and be more aware of others – who they are, what they’re doing, what they care about, what interests them, what they enjoy. We can jointly put the world to rights; discuss life, love, the universe and even last night’s telly. Just think – some of the best ideas, schemes and adventures have been generated from a lovely long chat.

Several excellent books on this very subject have been released in recent years, all acknowledging the dying art of conversation, mourning its evident demise, yet encouraging us to becoming accomplished conversationalists once again. In The Art of Civilized Conversation, author Margaret Shepherd points out how the ability to hold a conversation is such a valuable tool.

Make time for a real chat

“Good conversation is the Swiss Army knife of social skills that anyone can learn to use. Take it with you wherever you go, and you’ll be equipped to turn a seatmate into a confidant, an interviewer into an employer, and an acquaintance into a friend. As an accomplished conversationalist, you’ll be welcomed everywhere.”

In The Art of Conversation: A Guided Tour of a Neglected Pleasure, author Catherine Blyth rejoices in the sheer joy that talking to others can bring: “When it works, conversation can come close to heaven. Be it sharing a laugh with a stranger, transforming a contact into a friend; that joyful moment when you click, share a joke or spark a new idea; or just letting off steam with someone who knows how to listen — there are countless adventures between minds out there, waiting to happen, in each encounter, each day of our lives…”

So what are you waiting for? Here are our top talking tips:

Make the time to talk

It might sound obvious, but sometimes life is such a rush we can forget to make time for simple pleasures. Stop, slow down, switch off from the world, and find a few moments to have a conversation.

Be interested

Whether it is a tête-à-tête on a first date, a chat with your Gran, or a formal business meeting, being attentive is always key. Ask questions – these are the fuel for any conversation – but aim to avoid any that might pause a dialogue, such as those that only require a yes or no answer.

Listen

Everyone loves a genuinely good listener, so take on board what’s being said and show that you actually are. It perhaps goes without saying, but interrupting is always best kept to a minimum.

Try not to preach

A bit of banter is always great, but no one likes to be drained. Just remember, you don’t always have the right. (Most of the time will do!)

Relax

Stress less and simply go with the flow. Hey, remember, it’s a conversation, not an examination.

Enjoy

As Catherine Blyth wisely observes: “Conversation is the most fun you can have for free, without catching a disease!”