Jude Law, David Letterman and now Tiger Woods have done it.  But apparently, so have Elizabeth Taylor, J.Lo and Kate Hudson.  If both sexes can do the dirty on each other, is cheating as awful as we think?

In the Sex and the City episode, The Cheating Curve, Charlotte ponders how her new man (of two dates) could openly kiss another woman in front of her and “still pretend he wasn’t cheating on me”.  Power woman Samantha retorts that men are unfaithful “because it’s part of their biology”.  Carrie’s observation that women are also capable of indiscretions is met by Charlotte’s claim that women have self-control.

Surely a comment like Samantha’s reeks of double standards to most independent ladies.  But what about Carrie’s perspective; that defining cheating depends on your own boundaries?

Laying down the law on infidelity begs the question; what counts?  Intimate contact with a person other than your partner is a given.  However, grey areas pop up when you consider mere kisses, or emails and smses which shouldn’t be so ‘friendly’.  In 2008, Britain’s The Independent reported that approximately 440 000 affairs were revealed from electronic “‘traces’” left on email and mobile records.  But what if such digital traces are simply flirty feelings that trouble is brewing – not ‘proof’?  Glamour magazine recently took on the issue.  Journalist Laurie Sandell suggested that our digital lifestyles are a breeding ground for opportunities, “plus even more confusion about what cheating actually is”.

Heather Cerarrato turns to tech-savvy youth for a definition.  According to students interviewed in Quinnipiac University’s publication, individual boundaries are the key.  Anthony Albano insists that infidelity is “kissing with tongue”.  Steve Moylan deems doing so “more than once” as being unfaithful.  It’s the girls, however, who define infidelity in theoretical terms.  Bianca Balassone suggests any extra-relationship activity that “you would feel guilty about having to tell [your partner]”.  Natalie Morrissey says that such a definition is “something that needs to be decided between the two people”.

How much can we take these days?  According to US commentator, Eva Nagorski, “Europeans are supposed to be the nonchalant ones – so cool, so sophisticated, so understanding”.  She likens previous Euro attitudes to infidelity to accidently stepping in a puddle – uncomfortable, but not a catastrophe.  These days, Nagorski notes, it’s the scorned European women such as Veronica Lario who are getting their backbones on.  Mrs Berlusconi first fried the Italian prime minister in the media pan when she voiced her pain about his flirtations to La Repubblica.

In post ‘90s culture, awash with go-getting women and role models built on Manhattan glamour girls or Lauren Conrad, we women know what we want. Do we still blame the cheating bastard, or can we admit our own mistakes as well?  In 2008, EU Digest featured a Chigago Tribune article, reporting that the number of unfaithful women has jumped from 5% to 15% since 1991.  Unfaithful men have risen by only 8%.  Researchers identify increasing office hours and business travel as catalysts for adultery amongst married women.  Prominent associate professor in health and risk behaviour, David Atkins, highlights a gap – cheaters will generally admit their actions – anonymously.  Professor Atkins elaborates that rather than asking whether cheating is on the rise, investigating particular gender and age brackets unearths “some pretty significant changes”.  The big news?  Women – especially younger women – are closing the adultery gap.  We’re cheating just as much as men.

Why do we cheat?  Julie Andrews once said, “All love shifts and changes.  I don’t know if you can be wholeheartedly in love all the time”.

Is the simple ebb and flow of passion what makes us diverge from the boundaries we set in our relationships?  From personal experience, all-girl discussions usually result in the conclusion that something is missing in the relationship.  Marcel Proust is famously quoted as saying, “A woman one loves rarely suffices for all our needs, so we deceive her with another whom we do not love”.  Kate Hudson raised both eyebrows and applause when she said, “I don’t believe monogamy is realistic. But, I believe that we, as people, have the power to make it happen.”

Stockholm-based psychologist, Beth Rogerson, points to communication as the staple ingredient.  “Being in a committed relationship is supposed to mean that you and your partner are exclusive to each other. It does not guarantee it. It is natural to feel attracted to others, but what you both have agreed to is not to act on those attractions.”

So what if said exclusivity is unclear?  “Communication with your partner is the single most important ingredient to protecting your relationship from infidelity or cheating,” Rogerson stresses.  “This means talking and listening, even listening to things you don’t agree with or don’t want to hear. This means talking about being exclusive and not cheating but being attracted to others. It means talking about sex with your partner and claiming what you like and don’t like in your relationship”.

Perhaps Carrie Bradshaw was right on the money after all.  Technically, infidelity happens when we define it, both cheaters and cheatees.  Rogerson adds that “Once you go against your core values, you will not feel happiness but all those other negative feelings such as remorse, guilt, shame and sadness”.

At least cheaters of both genders can take the lead from a well-PR armoured Tiger Woods.  In the fallout of his infidelity to wife Elin Nordegren, his website acknowledges that “It may not be possible to repair the damage I’ve done, but want to do my best to try”.

Cheating may be the ultimate betrayal, but when it comes down to it, we’re betraying ourselves if we have to ask why we stay.