Hypnotherapy can improve mental health

When you first think of hypnotherapy, images of sinister psychiatrists manipulating their patients to gain control over their minds may occur. Far from its Rasputin-like image, it’s actually a highly useful process that harnesses the power of our subconscious minds for improved mental and physical health.

So What’s Hypnotherapy Then?

Hypnosis comes from the Greek word hypnos, meaning “to sleep,” and is a form of guided relaxation. In a typical hypnotherapy session, your hypnotherapist will begin by addressing your concerns and asking what exactly you’re aiming to improve. Then, you will be asked to sit or lie in a comfortable position and close your eyes. Once you are completely relaxed, you will be guided through various scenarios using intense concentration to achieve a heightened state of awareness, or trance. The reason this works is because when the mind is in a deeply relaxed state, its responsiveness to ideas is significantly heightened. Our waking conscious, which is responsible for inhibitions, is dulled and our subconscious is allowed to respond properly.

For example, if you suffer from severe anxiety, the hypnotherapist might ask you to picture yourself in a peaceful garden or on the beach. Then, they will talk about your anxiety and affirm that you no longer suffer from it – you are a relaxed, easy-going individual. You will remain in this state for 45 minutes to one hour until the therapist asks you to slowly return to your waking state. The feeling once you awake is similar to waking up from a pleasant nap; you should feel deeply relaxed and collected.

Why Should I Try Hypnotherapy?

It may all seem quite Freudian at first, the benefits of hypnotherapy mean that it’s worth giving it a try. Many writers, actors and artists commonly use this method to retrain their waking conscious, boost creativity and unblock energy. However, its benefits extend beyond the arts; you can retrain your mind to beat addiction, depression, stress, anger, and it can even be used to aid weight loss. It is a fantastic way to rid yourself of phobias, fears and anxiety.

If you experience any of these common problems, turning to hypnotherapy is a gentle, drug-free method devoid of negative side effects. While a qualified hypnotherapist is your best bet, those on a budget can try downloading free hypnosis sessions which are available online. Be aware that multiple sessions are required in order to see results, but if you stick with it, you will begin to notice yourself becoming a calmer, more adaptable person.

My first experience with hypnotherapy left me giggling throughout the whole session, much to my embarrassment; it seemed too ridiculous to actually work. Fortunately, my therapist was a patient person who encouraged me to try the process again. “If you don’t ‘let yourself go’ and continue to hold on to your waking state, it won’t work. You have to embrace it, even if you think it’s stupid at first,” he said.

I tried it again and allowed myself to ‘let go.’ And it worked. Regular practice has even allowed me to master my state of awareness. For example, if I suddenly feel depressed or anxious, I can stop and control myself. Before hypnotherapy, this would never have been possible. We could all use a little extra dose of zen, so why not give it a try?

Try out a little hypnotherapy on yourself…

So are you really ready to compromise?

As long as we associate with other people in our lives, concessions are always going to crop up. You want to spend a romantic evening ambling along riverbanks and lingering over a candlelit meal but your date fancies a club night because a bunch of their friends will be there. This could be tricky; what do you do short of descending into an argument over how you spend your evening together?

Compromising isn’t something that comes naturally to all of us, but it’s an important life skill to master. It takes practice and involves assertion, listening skills and respect amongst other attributes, but can be the difference between bowling through life on the scratchy defensive or exercising harmoniousness. Because we’re all for happy mediums when necessary, Running In Heels considers how – and why and when – to compromise…

Avoid Compromise

It isn’t all about how two people – a couple, say – spend their time together; the meeting halfway thing could be relative to political and religious beliefs, finance, food, aesthetics, housework, anything where opinions potentially differ. One of the first rules of compromise is to evaluate how ready you are to shift your stance, and to what degree, and indeed how fastidious (or not) another person is with regard to their own. If you’re concreted in with an opinion that clearly isn’t shared by another, agree to disagree and avoid the matter altogether.

See Another Point of View

The major factor when it comes to compromise is to remember that what you think or want isn’t necessarily what others think or want. Don’t be aggressive or insistent in projecting what you may see as best or most correct, because according to others’ viewpoints, it may well be the complete opposite. Do make an effort to see things from another person’s point of view. This isn’t easy by any means; it requires you to temporarily suppress your own wishes, experiences and opinions while you afford another the space to express theirs. Listen to what you’re being told and appreciate it: this is actually basic respect in action.

Talk About It

Furthermore, respect the other person’s point of view or the needs that they convey. In much the same way you’ll probably feel strongly about your needs or wants, so will they. Not only is it arrogant to belittle another’s standpoint or to baulk at their suggestion, by showing them respect by taking on board what they say (expressions such as, “I see your point,” or, “It’s a good idea…” are good to use in this instance) you’re much more likely to tacitly bring them round to your way of thinking. Just remember though that this isn’t persuasion, coercion or neuro-linguistic programming, however; it’s merely a means to better the chances of agreeing on a halfway house.

Retain Your Integrity

With the pre-emptive rules covered, let’s move onto compromise in full swing. As with all things in life, there’s a fine line at play, and where compromise is concerned, you may risk over-compromising yourself. Don’t agree to something just to keep the peace; it’s important to retain integrity to avoid being put out, inconvenienced or simply ending up involved in something you dislike. Speak up for yourself but without labouring anything or demonstrating haughtiness; measured and clear is best.

Keep Things Equal

Keep a check on how often you have to compromise. This is especially pertinent within romantic relationships. If you’re constantly grappling with conflicting wishes, something’s not aligning and you need to talk about this. On the other hand, there’s nothing wrong with agreeing to alternate who chooses what you do on dates, for example, or sacrificing the odd want here and there. Just be sure that it’s not too one-sided.

Empower Others

Equally, it’s important you encourage the other person to speak clearly about what they want, especially if you sense they’re not being entirely forthcoming. Invite them to be honest about what they’re thinking or feeling; not only will it afford you a better picture, it offers empowerment to them and agreement is far more likely to be reached quicker and with less blood shed – just remember the respect thing.

Don't sulk if you don't get your way!

Be An Adult

A few basic rules while in the throes of agreeing a compromise: no sulking, no raised voices, no sarcasm, eye rolling or whingeing… Well, at least not from you. Unfortunately, there’s no controlling how another person reacts or behaves, but no matter how screechy or bolshie they might get, resist the temptation to raise the stakes. Instead, if things get heated, suggest you leave the matter alone for a while until everyone’s in a better, more level frame of mind to discuss it.

Prioritise Your Compromise

Some things aren’t actually all that important, other things are critical. Robert Taibbi, writing for Psychology Today, suggests a scoring system to establish importance: “Decide how important, on a scale of 1-10 this issue is – the vacation may be a big deal but the colour of the new living room rug less so.” If something is hugely important to your partner, say, that doesn’t especially stir you, what have you got to lose by going along with it? For example, your boyfriend wants you to accompany him to his friend’s engagement party (you’ve only met this friend once), and although you’ve got nothing planned that evening, you’d rather not. Sometimes we have to do things we’re not fired up about for people we care about. Weigh it up what you’ve got at stake, how other people might be effected, and take it from there.

Be Honest

Once you’ve decided on a compromise, don’t go back on it. If it’s you who’s had to make the bigger concession, do your best not to feel resentful – you won’t enjoy yourself. In the same vein, don’t falsely agree to a compromise; manipulating another by re-impressing your wishes when the time comes to it is plain flaky and devious. If you agree to something, you agree to something, unless there’s a genuine reason for renege. Make the best of whatever it is you’ve decided to do, and try and enjoy it. You may end up experiencing something new that actually really works for you.

Are you battling that to-do list again?

It’s a commonly held misconception that life is hard. That it’s a struggle, a war, and that, even in the comfort of relatively peaceful first-world countries, we still have to do daily battle – with a never-ending to-do list, demands from family, friends and colleagues, the pressure to keep up with fashion, the news, the Joneses…

But I don’t buy all that. Sure, life has its challenges. They range from the everyday, like finding and keeping a job and maintain good relationships, to the exceptionally hard times when we encounter death, heartbreak, serious illness, depression… Luckily, these kinds of major problems are infrequent for most of us. What’s more, when the serious problems do come along, we have a tendency to rise to the challenge – we activate our support network, we shore ourselves up, and become acutely aware of the need to be kind to ourselves and stay strong.

Nice and easy does it every time

In my experience, it’s not the “big stuff” that floors people, but the accumulation of lots of “small stuff”. When people talk about what regularly exhausts them and causes them stress, more often that not it’s the regular hassles, the daily grind, a lack of time, the constant feeling of frazzled and overstretched. Yet, most of these sources of stress are self-induced. Household clutter is an issue for many people – yet what’s to stop them clearing it away? The pre-work rush gets lots of us off to a bad start but the quality of our morning routine is entirely in our own hands.

Acquiring a few simple and healthy organisational habits can make such a difference and help you live a more easeful life. After all, when you rush from place to place, lurching from crisis to crisis, are you running your life or is your life running you – into the ground? I get frazzled at times, just like everyone, but I do try to stick to a few great strategies for making life just a little easier and therefore more pleasant for myself and everyone around me.

If it will only take two minutes, do it straight away

You get home from work and change your clothes, remove your jewellery, etc. It takes almost as long to throw everything on your dressing table as it does to put them in the wash basket, hang them up and put your earrings into your jewellery box. The difference: a clear bedroom, your favourite gold hoops don’t eventually get lost, and, when you have friends for dinner that week, the pre-visit clearing up is reduced, which in turn means you don’t have to rush home from work, frantically stuffing piles of clothes under the bed and swearing as you step barefoot on the aforementioned lost earrings!

Leave more than enough time between meetings and appointments

You need to make a doctor’s appointment. The receptionist suggests 6pm on Tuesday. You’ve got a meeting until 5.30pm and you want to get to your tango class at 8pm. The doctor’s office and the dance school are about 45 minutes apart. Sounds doable, but before accepting the appointment, think about the possibilities for that day. Your meeting ends at 5.45pm instead of 5.30pm. You don’t even have time to tidy your desk before rushing out the door to the doctor. She’s running late and you don’t get to see her before 6.45pm. The doctor has a test she wants you to undergo, she calls the clinic to make the appointment while you’re there…the clock is ticking. You leave her at 7.15pm, run to the station, catch a train in the nick of time and arrive at your class just as the warm-up is beginning. You’re already hot and frazzled, you haven’t had time to change your shoes, and you go straight into the class without even having time to say hi to a few of the other regulars (which was the reason you joined in the first place – to make new friends). What part of all of that did you actually enjoy, let along savour? And, seriously – why on earth would you do that to yourself?

Pack your bag the night before

It takes three minutes to make sure your handbag is ready for the next day before turning in for the night (even better – do it as soon as you get home, before you sit down to relax). Run through your day in your mind and imagine what you’ll need as you leave the house, see a client, walk to the tube, call a taxi, stop by the shops. Keys, purse, phone (does it need charging? plug it in now!), train pass, lip balm, period is due – shove a couple of tampons in the side pocket, meeting first thing – do I have a few business cards in my wallet?, take that letter to post, grab a reusable shopping bag… It’s one thing you won’t have to do the next day before the coffee has truly kicked in and you’re firing on all cylinders.

Try to oganise emails as they arrive

Delete or file emails as you read and reply

My email inbox is basically my online to-do list. Everyday, I go through the new emails, read and file things that are just for information, delete the junk and am left with, say ten, that actually require action. I fire off responses to the ones I can (glorious quick wins) and then file them. The inbox is now halved. As long as an email remains in my inbox I know I haven’t finished dealing with it, and the fact that it’s not lost among 50 emails that I have dealt with means that I won’t forget to do so.

Let the phone go to voicemail

Ok. Minor rant now. Why, oh why, do people answer the phone only to say “Sorry, I’m in a meeting/having lunch with a friend/in a museum. Can I call you back?” Firstly, it’s rude to the person they’re actually with. Secondly, it ruins their concentration and ability to be in the here and now. Thirdly, they almost always forget to call that person back because how often do you immediately write “Call Sandra back” on your to-do list? What is so wrong with letting calls go to voicemail when it’s an inconvenient time to talk? The voicemail reminders ensure you won’t forget to return the call, and your etiquette karma is intact.

Feel ready to shrink your friends list?

Sometimes Facebook can feel like a popularity contest, with many of us befriending as many people as possible, no matter how fleeting the preceding face-to-face contact may have been. In some cases, we even friend request people we haven’t met – if there’s a mutual friend involved then this is by all means acceptable under the unwritten rules of social networking etiquette.

Facebook is all about staying connected and ‘socialising’ with other people. It’s a nifty little window into our friends’ lives, letting us know who is dating who, where people have been jet setting off to and what nuisances have come their way on a daily basis. And of course, there are the photos to sift through, quenching our insatiable sense of curiosity.

But let’s face it; you’re not really friends with all of your connections on Facebook. A large number of these so-called friends are, by all accounts, mere acquaintances. We’re referring to that guy you said a quick ‘hello’ to at that party last weekend or your two-week friendship with that brunette in St Tropez who shared your love of Chocolate Martinis.

How many of your Facebook friends are people you text, call or meet up with often? Unless you are a serial social butterfly, then chances are, this list will be significantly smaller. So this begs the question – why bother having so many connections on Facebook in the first place? Surely, we want to know what’s happening in the lives of the people we care about. And do we really want some random acquaintance knowing everything about us and sharing in our most personal moments?

Thanks to Mark Zuckerberg and a string of other social platforms, it’s now the norm to share all kinds of stuff online, whether it’s a picture, video or a 140-character tweet. Even our day-to-day whereabouts are pinned onto virtual maps. Last September, Twitter reported that it had 100 million active users per month, and social-site-of-the-moment Pinterest now has over ten million registered users. It appears that we’re a sociable bunch when it comes to the web; obsessed with growing our number of online friends, followers and likes.

Apparently, the average number of friends we have on Facebook stands at around 120 and there are, on average, 3.74 degrees of separation between any one Facebook user and another. But how many times do you log in to Facebook to meet with a news feed peppered with irrelevant updates from people that, quite frankly, you’re not interested in?

The Facebook friend purge is the solution to creating a timeline that’s filled with content you actually want to read. Admittedly, the idea of de-friending someone can feel a bit like a social taboo, but if the website Facebook Purge is anything to go by, thousands have already done the deed and cleaned up their profiles. Although Facebook has revolutionised the way we interact with one another, purging our profile of people who don’t play any genuine role in our lives (out with the social networking bubble) sounds like a revolutionary step in itself.

But if trawling through your friend list to remove connections doesn’t appeal, just look out for a name you don’t recognise popping up on your Facebook feed – then take the plunge and de-friend them. The first one is always the hardest, but culling your friend list does get easier. And each time you do it, there’s one less person to clog up your profile, freeing up your news feed for someone else. And that’s surely what Facebook is all about – connecting with people who truly matter and who you would happily spend time with in the real world, as well as online

Can you stay positive no matter what?

Faced with difficult circumstances, you can choose to struggle and wilt or make the most of where you find yourself and bloom, right there where you’re planted.

I recently found myself at a party making small talk with a woman who had just moved to Germany. Following her husband who’d found a job there, she’d upped sticks and crossed the Atlantic, leaving a high-powered career, her family and her friends – without a word of German in her vocabulary. As we got acquainted, the woman whom we’ll call Anna revealed that her home is tiny and cramped compared to the one she left in Canada, money is tight, and she’s having a lot of trouble finding a job in her field of expertise.

Curiously, Anna told me all this without an ounce of self-pity or a hint of complaint; she really was just sharing her circumstances with me. It sounded like Anna wasn’t exactly having an easy time of it, yet she was upbeat, cheerful and optimistic. I asked her how she stayed so positive in the face of changed and challenging circumstances. Her four-word answer is the wisdom I’d like to share this month. She said: “Bloom where you’re planted”.

Accept and Be Free

The expression instantly struck a chord for me. How often do we rail and struggle against life and the things it throws at us. Sometimes we fight against the little things – I want to wear my new red top today, but it’s clearly to cold for its filmy fabric. I wear it anyway and am freezing and grumpy all day. Often it’s at work – a friendly “How are you?” to a colleague is met with “I just so don’t want to be here today”. Anna was going through some big things – living in a city she didn’t really choose and having to find a job when she never wanted to give up her old one, yet she was determined to make the best of where she was and what was on offer.

See with Bette Davis’ Eyes

Anna’s words reminded me of a line I’ve often heard attributed to silver-screen icon Bette Davis: “If Hollywood didn’t work out, I was prepared to be the best secretary in the world”. Davis decided that whatever she did in life, she would do it 100% and be the best. She happened to be incredibly talented (though that doesn’t always mean much in Hollywood), and she bloomed in her chosen profession. However, she had the good sense to know that, had the fickle film world rejected her, she would have planted herself elsewhere and bloomed there instead.

Be Here Now

Facing a very heavy day at work recently, with back-to-back meetings and presentations, Anna’s words came back to me. I couldn’t do anything about my schedule, I had to be there and do the work. While I would have preferred to be lying on a beach drinking Mai Tais, that wasn’t the particular type of sandy soil I was planted in today. So, I decided to bloom in the clay-rich earth I was in and fully engage with my day, making the most of what it was offering me. Unsurprisingly, as I sat up and tried to propose ideas in meetings instead of letting my attention wander and wishing I were somewhere else, the time went by more quickly and I was even complimented by a colleague on my contributions.

Anna’s maxim, “Bloom where you’re planted” reminded me that, when circumstances are out of our control, we still have the power to choose how we approach them. In doing so, we gain control of how we feel about our situation and, ultimately, control our happiness. Today I want to go for a long walk, but it’s raining. What will make me happier? Being grouchy about the rain or accepting it and taking the opportunity to stay in, clear out the hallway cupboard, read a great book and watch a film?

Anna found herself in a completely new set of circumstances, but instead of moping about her lack of job, she was taking German classes. Instead of being miserable about the state of her finances, she was going out a little less and taking the opportunity to improve her cooking skills at home. Instead of fighting the place she was planted, losing the battle, and becoming bitter and sad in the process, Anna had decided to bloom right there where she was planted.

Would you thrive in any kind of soil?

Heavy-hearted Heather or Awesome Azalea?

I guess it all comes down to making a choice about whether you’re someone who needs everything to be just right to be happy or if you want to be happy more often than that and have some modicum of resilience. I once tried to grow heather in my garden. It’s trickier than you might think. The purple haze that springs up willy nilly all over Scotland actually requires a specific type of soil to grow happily. So, it they looks marvellous over the hills and dales, it sulked like a depressed teenager in my garden. My azaleas, on the other hand, have been dug up several times over the last few years, moved around, planted both in pots and in the ground, and yet they continue to produce a lovely crop of flowers several times a year.

The Choice is Yours

It’s the azaleas of this world that will get the most out of life. Whether they have Alan Titchmarsh handling them or a clumsy beginner, they’ll do their best wherever they are planted and find a way to shine. The heathers, on the other hand, will spend a lot of time hating their circumstances and wilting. So, when we find ourselves faced with tasks we don’t want to do, circumstances that are less than ideal, and surroundings that we didn’t choose, the question we all have to ask ourselves is: do I want to be a heather or an azalea? Do I want to wilt in adversity, or do I want bloom no matter where I’m planted?

What does cheating really mean today?

As little as five years ago, cheating was clearly defined. From a drunken fumble to an ongoing affair, adultery was committed while both parties were in the same room. Fast forward to 2012 and the cheating line has become far more blurred. From ‘sexting’ to a Facebook chat with someone you’re attracted to, what constitutes cheating has become much harder to define. So where is the line between harmless flirting and infidelity? And more importantly do you and your partner agree where the line is?

The notion of online infidelity, as with so many things today, seems to have started with celebrities. From Tiger Woods to Vernon Kay, more and more celebrities began being caught not so much with their pants down but with their fingertips flying over the keypad. As smartphones got smarter, dirty texts, erotic pictures and furtive late night phone sex became easier than ever to indulge in. And the evidence became a lot harder to conceal.

Even before the concept of online infidelity entered our heads, the definition of cheating has polarised opinion. On a sliding scale from full-blown affair to illicit kiss via the one night stand, we all have different feelings about what would be a deal-breaker. And obviously that opinion can change if it is your relationship at stake.

Infidelity is not as clear cut as a physical act. If someone is actively looking for something outside their relationship that they should be finding within it, alarm bells need to start ringing. Whether it’s conversation, support or sex, it’s not a healthy way to behave. Once you start letting a third person into the aspects of your life that should remain between you and your partner, you’re asking for trouble.

The hardest thing to forgive about virtual cheating must be the premeditated aspect of it. Like conducting an affair, going online to find something different or nurture a connection means you have thought about it, and decided to do it anyway. That must be far more hurtful then a drunken one night stand.

The components of a successful relationship include love, respect and trust. All things that are easy to say but can prove a lot harder to put into practice. Any type of cheating, whether virtual or physical destroys those important ingredients for a happy relationship. Something to think about the next time a handsome man pops into your Facebook chat?

Stress and worrying can affect anyone

Stress can affect anyone; it is an illness that can lead to both physical and mental problems. Heart attacks can be brought on by stress and depression is another consequence of stress. For some, stress will result in having a nervous breakdown. Overcoming stress will help a person live longer. Conversely, stress can shorten a person’s life considerably. There is no one immune from the possibility of being affected by stress. A person who seems mentally strong and able to cope with everything life throws at them may, one day, completely crumble.

Lack of sleep is one of the worst ways that stress can damage a person’s health. Worrying about anything from losing one’s job to concerns about an ill member of the family can lead to sleepless nights. Not sleeping will just increase the levels of stress, as feeling tired throughout the day will make it harder to concentrate on and deal with any difficult issues that arise.

One of the biggest causes of lack of sleep, when troubled by stress, is worrying about money. Tossing and turning and thinking about how to manage one’s financial affairs can end up being a serious problem. If this happens night after night, then a person’s health will begin to be affected. A good night’s sleep does tend to help a person to think more clearly. Waking up tired will just increase the level of stress a person is already feeling.

Relationship problems can be a major cause of stress. This is even more the case when one person wants to end a relationship and the other doesn’t. Relationship problems can impact on a person’s confidence and cause them to become stressed both in a relationship and when tentatively trying to start a new one.

People will often feel stressed working at a job that they don’t like. This feeling will become exacerbated if they are also working with people that they don’t get on with. Fear of losing a job is a contender for being the biggest cause of stress. In this instance stress can manifest itself because of a lack of self-esteem, worries about money, worries about keeping the family together and worries about losing a home.

Combating stress is not impossible. Being positive is important and will make a person more prepared to fight back against life’s bad times. Thinking of stress as something unpleasant, which won’t get the upper hand, is another way of tackling it. Having a list of problems to solve each day will help to give the day purpose. The things to try and solve should be realistic and if the day doesn’t go well, try and focus on the following day.

Many things can lift a person’s spirits and help them to look at life with greater optimism. This could be taking a walk in beautiful countryside on a summer’s day to listening to music or watching a film. Often just getting up in the morning is difficult for people suffering from stress. Doing that, without thinking about what problems may lie ahead, is one giant step towards feeling better again.

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If only dating was so simple today...

There is a story – a story about love – that always seems to resonate with me. It is the story of how a friend of mine’s Grandparents met. He had noticed her on a long train ride from London to Devon, and spent the rest of the journey trying to make her notice him too. They started talking, felt the ignition of that fabled spark and agreed to meet up when they were both back in the capital some weeks later. The rest, as they say, is history.

There’s something so simple about this; I think it makes such an impression because I really doubt that it would ever happen these days. If someone starts talking to you on the train, more often than not, you don’t think ‘timeless romance’, but rather: ‘oh no, I’ve sat next to THAT guy, better commence operation pretend-to-be-reading-a-really-interesting-book’, which, if you think about it, is actually pretty sad. Because I think every single girl – no matter how cynical – secretly wants to be swept off her feet in a way that wouldn’t look out of place in an Audrey Hepburn movie.

Now I’m not saying dating was ever easy; it has always been a battleground of game-playing and a concrete alliance with a set of rules which, to me, seem so arbitrarily written that it astounds me that anybody can take them seriously. I mean, why not phone somebody the day after a date if you had a good time? And has ‘treat them mean, keep ‘em keen’ ever produced results deviating from boy meeting girl, boy ‘treating girl mean’ and girl assuming that boy doesn’t like her and moving on?

However, I think being single now can be more of a minefield than ever, and, in my mind, the culprit is fairly obvious. Technology. For something that claims to make our lives easier, it has complicated the shit out of dating. Remember Drew Barrymore’s rant in He’s Just Not That Into You? “Now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It’s exhausting.” And I have to say, I’m with Drew on this one. Being a child of the 90’s, the internet is all I’ve ever known, and while I’m no technophobe I can’t help but strangely envy the days when, like my friend’s Grandparents, it really was as simple as if you like them, talk to them. I know the tagline of this article promises to shed some light on how to meet men, and honestly, I don’t know. Love is so turbulent, so wildly unpredictable that you cannot provide an exhaustive list of where to find it. But I can tell you where not to – glued to your iPhone or laptop. Want to meet men? Get out there and do it the old-fashioned way – sans technology.

From my own experience of being single, I have found the mixed messages about my aspirations pretty difficult to wade through. In one breath, we are told to be focused, independent career women. The next, our main aim should be to find somebody willing to put a ring on it. Oh, and all-the-while we’re supposed to be environmentally conscious, shrewd with our money (seriously, am I the only person who doesn’t have investments or stocks and shares? It seems like some kind of fiscal Fight Club – everybody has it, nobody talks about it) and carefully prepping our bodies to shoot out a couple of kids. Soon you end up with a knotted web of advice, rules and expectations.

Got your life plan in place already?

It can be difficult to work out what to chase first. So why not abandon the rule book? Because who decided we have to be homeowners by 26, married by 28, and mothers by 30 anyway? There’s nothing wrong with creating your own life plan. In my circle of friends, for example, we all want different things. One of us is incredibly career-driven, and to her mind, everything else can take a back burner. Another wants nothing more than to settle down with a husband and children.

So yes, dating is complicated. It always has been. It always will be. And I know that navigating your way through all the game-playing, all the bullshit and all the horrible, horrible couple’s dinner parties can seem disheartening. But this article promised to shed some light on meeting the elusive ‘One’, and so I want you to make this one thought louder than anything else: don’t give up hope. Take every unreturned phone call or disastrous date and turn it into a positive; at least you’re finding out this idiot is an idiot now, and not months down the line. Because you’re single, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting a guy to be pretty damn special to change that.

Oh, and to all of our coupled up friends out there, will you PLEASE stop with the ‘accidental-oh-look-it’s-my-single-male-friend-how-unexpected’ set ups? Because you are seriously as subtle as George Michael’s parking.

The Ten Commandments: wise counsel?

In the long grey winter months, it’s easy to be negative and hard to act cheery, but just as you are what you eat, so too you feel what you focus on. Choose to change your focus.

You can’t really argue with the Ten Commandments. I mean, as rules for happy and harmonious living go, they’re a pretty solid base: don’t kill; don’t cheat on your spouse; don’t steal; don’t lie. So far, I’m on board. Have a day of rest every week. Yep! Take care of your parents. Absolutely. Without wishing to labour the point, I don’t think many people would take exception to any of the above, whatever their religious leanings. Sadly, however, I have often felt that one commandment was missing.

Don’t get me wrong. Ten is a great figure – it’s even, pleasingly round, fits with our decimal currency, can be nicely spaced out into two five-item lists on a couple of handy stone tablets. I can totally see why Moses would get to the end of dictation, see a nice symmetrical pair of lists, and casually decide to leave commandment Number 11 at the top of the hill, but honestly, I really think he dropped the ball. Our lives would be infinitely more pleasant had he just added one last rule to the list:

Thou Shalt Not Whine

The addition of those four little words to that fateful list would have made such a difference, wouldn’t it? Whining is perhaps one of the least attractive traits in a person, and is certainly one of the most draining. I have an acquaintance – let’s call her Wendy – who, whenever I ask the innocent question, “How are you?” replies with some permutation of, “Oh, I’m so tired. Yep, really shattered – I worked until 10 o’ clock every evening last week. It’s just crazy.”

When I first knew Wendy I made the mistake of trying to help her with this apparent problem – suggesting she speak to her boss about her workload, asking whether she was eating properly, that sort of thing. Recently, however, I had an epiphany (I don’t know why I’m on such a religious theme today, I’m on a roll and I’m just going with it). I realised that Wendy isn’t actually asking for help, nor does she need to talk. The bottom line is: Wendy likes whining. And she particularly likes whining about being tired.

You Feel What You Focus On

I don’t actually know anyone who isn’t tired right now. In the bleak midwinter, it’s dark when you go to work, dark when you leave work. You’re trying to lose the Christmas bulge, keep that resolution to go to the gym, maybe even give up or cut down on something – cigarettes, chocolate, wine…

The post-Christmas winter months can feel grim at times, and yes, they’re tiring. But does saying you’re tired all the time help at all? If, every time someone asks me how I’m doing I answer, “Crikey, this rain is getting me down, I just can’t seem to get warm, and I have a splitting headache”, all I can think of by the end of the day is the rain and the cold and the headache and, lo and behold, it’s all actually worse than at the beginning of the day.

But if I reply, “I’m great, thanks! Looking forward to a quiet night in, that’s for sure”, miraculously, I can actually convince myself that I do indeed feel full of beans, and that quiet night has become a choice I’m making in order to take care of myself. I find that I feel what I talk about; which means that I don’t also choose to talk about what I feel.

We're ALL tired and a bit stressed now!

Accentuate The Positive

Now, I’m not suggesting we bottle up our feelings or lie, but unless mentioning aches, pains, gripes and groans will actually do some good, why go on about them? Now, whenever I see Wendy, I avoid asking how she is and instead pose very specific, fact-based questions: What did you do this weekend? Did you go jogging like you wanted?

It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that not only does Wendy’s whining about being knackered exacerbate her own tiredness, it also exhausts me! If only she could take her focus off the negatives she’s feeling and concentrate on something – anything – positive, that good feeling would be increased instead of the bad.

The mind is like a magnifying glass – whatever we choose put under the lens is what our eyes will see enlarged; whatever feeling we choose to talk and think about is what we’ll feel magnified. Luckily, we get to pick what we train our lens on. So, it’s precisely when I’m tired and a bit hungry and maybe a little paranoid that I try hardest to remember to apply the 11th commandment and silently order myself not to whine.

Are you defined by your nine to five?

‘So, what do you do?’ It’s usually the first question we ask a new person when we meet them. It’s socially acceptable small talk and usually helps to spark a conversation. It’s more interesting than talking about the weather, more appropriate than launching into an interrogation about their personal life, and (usually) a safe option.

But if it’s the first thing we find out about a person, does that mean we form our judgement of them based on that answer? How important is somebody’s career in defining who they are as a person? Of course, it usually depends on who you ask. Some people feel that their career is their life, while others feel no attachment to their role at all, and view their nine to five simply as something they have to do to fund their five to nine.

Perhaps it comes down to a question of vocation versus paying the bills: for some people, their job is simply a means to an end, whilst for others, their job is an end in itself. This difference may depend on the role, rather than the person. Doctors, policemen, teachers: these are, generally speaking, the kind of roles that seem to extend beyond a career choice and into a lifestyle. Sarah, a 24-year old teacher, says that, although she definitely feels there is more to her life than teaching: ‘I think I am a constant teacher – I now find myself thinking about the way young cousins or friends children access the world, how I would support them to learn certain skills… The way I look at life in general is hugely influenced by my training and my career – not just other children I come into contact with, but a lot of my life choices are based on pedagogical factors that came on board during my teacher training.’

It’s true that people who take on certain careers may experience a certain amount of pressure to fulfill their roles even outside the workplace. As Sarah explained, a teacher may find that they are always teaching in some way or another. A doctor would be unlikely to walk past an injured person in the street without offering medical assistance, and a police officer is unlikely to ignore a crime just because they are off duty. This kind of social responsibility doesn’t always extend to other roles. I work as an editor and proofreader, and although I frequently spot misspellings and grammatical errors on signs in public places, I don’t feel any kind of duty to correct these errors (although, if they are particularly amusing, I may be tempted to take a photo).

If you feel that your job is something that you wish to be defined by, you may take a great deal of pleasure in telling people: ‘I am a writer,’ or ‘I work in fashion.’ But if it’s something that you do to pay the rent, it isn’t always something you want to share. Laura, who works as a PA in London, says: ‘I dislike how in this day and age if you aren’t in a ‘career’ type job people assume you aren’t interesting/driven/intelligent. And I find that so interesting because the best people I know, the most engaging and unique people, define themselves through what they do outside of the work place…. For me, I realize that the job I would actually love to do is sort of unachievable at the moment. And sometimes it proves you are more dedicated to make time for what you really care about in your own time. I do dislike telling people I’m a PA because you do get that ‘Oh, you’re stuck in a dead-end job’ look, but the fact is that that salary allows me to do all sorts of interesting things in my free time.’

A career with a sense of purpose?

So although many people thrive on their career and feel strongly defined by what they do, there are just as many out there who see their nine to five as something rather dull: perhaps even as something they dislike. With the jobs market moving more slowly than ever, plenty of us are stuck in roles we don’t really want, hoping that something better will come up.

If you fall into the first category, and feel your career is worthwhile and something that defines you, then you should feel free to warmly congratulate yourself on discovering a job that means something to you. If you fall into the second category, however, it shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of. Your job doesn’t have to mean everything. You don’t have to be defined by the desk you sit at, the salary you earn, or the room you spend 40 hours a week in. There are 128 other hours in the week to account for. And, as 25-year old electrician Joe points out: ‘I enjoy my job, but I’d much rather not be working. Even if I had the greatest job in the world I’m sure I’d rather be free to choose what I want to do with my day.’

So, next time somebody turns to you and asks: ‘So, what do you do?’ why not give them a smile, and reply: ‘What, between nine and five, or five and nine?’