Trying life without Prince Charming?

Of course, sometimes the single life is thrust upon us, as I discovered just over a year ago when my boyfriend of eight years and I split up. In the messy midst of breaking up, I began to realise that the future was looking very different for me now. In fact, the future was solely mine to choose. This was a liberating thought, and led me to re-think what I wanted and needed. My experience has certainly produced questions about whether it is important or indeed necessary to be single and happy as a means to understanding ourselves.

Getting to Know You

Many relationship experts believe that it is certainly important to know and understand yourself before you commit to another, and that independent people come to relationships with an understanding of what they want and need from another person.

Christine Northam, an experienced Relate counsellor says that having that sense of self means that “you then go into a relationship respecting yourself, knowing what you need and are able to negotiate your needs.” Spending time outside of a relationship is the ideal time to get to know what your needs are, and to gain the confidence in yourself to be able to ensure that they are met.

Lisa, 22, has made a decision that being single is right for her at the moment because “I need to be happy alone, and only then will I be able to concisely and rationally decide what it is that I want, and what will make me happy.” Amy, 24, agrees with this and says “being single made me realise where I’d been going wrong with my previous boyfriends and I knew that I didn’t want that to keep happening endlessly over and over again. My no-boyfriend breather was good for helping me to see clearly.”

Our generation is lucky that we have grown up with the knowledge that we can do anything, be anyone and achieve all our dreams. There are no expectations for us to settle down and marry young, but the array of options available can be bewildering. We have grown up knowing that we probably won’t marry our first serious boyfriend, that we will have to kiss a few frogs before finding our prince, but we did not necessarily expect to be single.  We change so much in our twenties and early thirties as we grow and begin to find our feet in the world, so time alone is often needed to think and develop. Chloe, 21, has been single for the past year after her six year relationship ended “I had no idea that the relationship I was in was actually stopping me from growing up and gaining new friendships. Having no one to answer to is a new-found freedom that I would never have experienced if I had stayed with my boyfriend. Being single has pushed me to travel more, apply for jobs I’d have never dreamt of doing and to have a hell of a lot more fun!”

It’s All About Friendships

When we make the choice to be single, it can suddenly seem like endless possibilities are opening up in front of us. The freedom of having no one to answer to means that you may find yourself saying yes to things you would never have before, meeting new people and trying different things. It is the only time in your life when you can be truly selfish and you only have to answer to yourself. Georgie, 27, says that for her being single was the time when she could be “100% selfish in my decision making and naturally that meant I put myself first more.”

Selfishness is often looked upon as a bad trait to have, but putting yourself first is sometimes a good thing as you lose the worry of what others might think and do what is right for you. Not having a boyfriend to fit in means more time for your friends, family and yourself; all things which can be neglected when we are a twosome. Jane Herd, a psychosocial therapist says that friends are vital when we are single, in particular “platonic friendships with men as these friendships give you a different understanding of men. Use being single as an opportunity to make the most of all your friendships.”

Single, Happy and…Busy

Time as a singleton is when we should learn to accept ourselves and develop our independence and sense of self. To get the most out of being single Christine Northam believes that we should use time alone to “widen your experiences, make new friends and concentrate on your career and the things you want to do.” We need to use this time wisely and not waste it, as Jane Herd says, “thinking about what you haven’t got, but embracing the idea that being single is OK, it doesn’t make you less valuable.”

The Classic Guide for the Single Woman

This is the most important thing about being single; don’t bemoan the fact you are, but make it a positive and life-enhancing situation. Making the most out of being alone means filling your life with people and things that you love. You don’t have to accommodate anyone else’s interests or hobbies, everything you do can be what you love doing. So join an evening class, learn a language, read books and just fill your life with pure hedonistic pleasure. In pursuing pleasure you will discover yourself, your true likes and dislikes and maybe even surprise yourself with a new passion.

Choose Happy, Choose Single

Some of the best advice I’ve ever read about embracing single life comes from a charming book first published in 1936 and reprinted by Virago Press in 2005. Live Alone and Like it by Marjorie Hillis is packed with tips and tricks on being single and enjoying it. Some of it may be a little outdated but the ideas behind them are all still relevant today. She advocates passionate interests, travel, cultivating friendships, making your surroundings as lovely as possible and most importantly arranging your own social life – not waiting for someone else to do it for you. Taking matters into your own hands is definitely the best thing to do when you’re single, as is not being afraid of doing things alone. If you can’t find anyone to go on holiday with, go alone and the same goes for trips to the cinema or museums or anywhere. If you want to do something, just do it – the sense of achievement at having done something totally alone is a wonderful feeling.

Making the positive choice to be single can be the most rewarding decision you’ll ever make. Spending time alone can help you develop a strong sense of who you are, what you want and what makes you happy. You must have the attitude that it is a choice and embrace the selfishness and pure enjoyment that comes from having no one to answer to but yourself. Try new things and allow your life to be enriched with new experiences, people and places. As Greta Garbo famously said “ I want to be alone”. And maybe that is advice we should all take at some point.

Are you still in a toxic friendship?

Breaking up is never easy; feelings of hurt, betrayal and anger often weigh heavy on the minds of those going through a split.  But for those who experience the emotional turmoil of a break-up with a best friend as opposed to a boyfriend, the after-effects can often run far deeper than a ‘clean break’ from a partner who simply wasn’t up to scratch.

Take my situation for example: I have one ex-best friend.  Our break-up has proved to be a long and drawn-out affair involving simmering resentments and pent-up frustrations over situations that happened years ago.  Some people suggest that to split from a friend after so many years of (mostly happy) memories is a little sad. But isn’t it sadder to compromise my happiness for the sake of sentimentality?

We may have promised to each other that boyfriends could come and go; other friends would never come between us or that distance couldn’t possibly pull us apart but the truth of the matter is that we could never have known the extent to which we would mature and evolve into different people.  And the fact that I fully realise and accept this, while she believes that I am a selfish and unreasonable bitch, has lead to one highly toxic friendship which eventually resulted in one very fraught break-up.

So why do so many females find themselves in similar situations; often afraid to declare their true feelings for fear of the fall-out which results from cutting ties with the past?  According to Andrea Lavinthal and Jessica Rozler, co-authors of Friend or Frenemy?  A Guide to the Friends You Need and The Ones You Don’t , some women are more prone to attracting an unhealthy relationship with a ‘frenemy’ (a friend who is an enemy), suggesting that, ‘As women, we’re sometimes taught to avoid confrontation and put our own feelings last…in some cases the unpleasantness of remaining in the friendship is nothing compared to the drama of ending it.’

Growing Apart, Growing Up

However, not all break-ups are the result of toxic situations with catty females who are only interested in remaining within a friendship to provide themselves with an ego boost. One of the main reasons for breaking up with a friend is actually an increase in physical and emotional distance. In short, we grow apart.  Some women can move thousands of miles away from one another and remain bosom buddies, while others find that an increase in physical distance inevitably leads to a heightened emotional distance.  As we age, we develop different interests and passions, we form different friendships and partnerships to those of our youth. In short, we grow up.  It is only natural that some friendships may suffer as a result, and it is now that many women are faced with the ultimate dilemma: whether to cut all ties with a friend who once enriched their lives or to stay in a dead-end friendship.

As Lavinthal and Rozler note, it is often easier to remain in a friendship which has run its course simply for the sake of convenience or to avoid any bitterness or resentment.  Whether you find yourself in a toxic and unhealthy friendship, or one which no longer offers a close bond, making the decision to instigate a break-up is always tough, and it is often difficult to commit yourself to the ‘right’ time to do it.

The ‘Phase Out’ vs ‘Clean-Break’

While there may be no easy way to go-about breaking up, it is a personal decision for many which is often borne out of a number of factors.  Perhaps marriage and children have gotten in the way of a once solid friendship; maybe jealousy or unresolved past issues have played their part in a bust-up or physical and emotional distance has signalled that the time is right to walk away from this particular chapter in your life.  Whatever the reason for a split with a female friend, there are various ways to break-up; some more painful than others.

Sometimes it's best just to move on...

Julia Feldmeier, a Washington Post journalist, suggests, in her article ‘Friends Forever? What happens When Kinship Sours – and How to Move On’ that the ‘quick and dirty’ approach is favoured for those toxic friendships, while conversely the ‘subtle phase-out’ can be applied to those situations in which feelings should be largely spared.  The ‘clean-break’ approach favours honesty and swift action to cut ties, while the subtle option is offered as ‘a way to distance ourselves without burning bridges.  We keep the door open for the small possibility of reconciliation, the chance that they’ll change, that we’ll change – or that circumstances will find us together again, in need of company, if not friendship.’

For me, breaking up with my best friend was tough, but I am reassured that I have done the right thing by being honest with my emotions.  I simply had nothing left to offer in our friendship, and she had nothing to offer me.  I became tired of hanging on blindly to a friendship which no longer made me happy, but I hope that she realises that the time came to look after number one for a change, and that it was nobody’s fault.

Whatever the situation, the how, when and why of splitting with a once close friend should be given great consideration; the most important element to consider being exactly why you would wish to split up in the first place.  Does the friendship bring you happiness?  Joy?  Fulfillment?  Does it enrich your life?  If the answer to these questions is a resounding ‘no’ then perhaps you should consider your next course of action.

It is inevitable that a number of friendships will end in natural conclusion, while others will come to a grinding halt, but remember, breaking up with an individual who has played such a key role in your life is never going to be a walk in the park.  Be honest with yourself and focus on those friendships which provide you with positive experiences in the here and now; don’t delay the inevitable in order to cling on to the past.

Are you ready for long distance love?

The advent of globalisation has made the world smaller than ever before. This is no comfort, however, to those people whose partner lives far away, whether that be at the other end of the M6, different universities, in another country, or on the other side of the world. With people increasingly scattered all over the globe, be it for work, education or leisure, it’s clear that the long-distance relationship is on the rise.

Outside of the US, where 2.9% of marriages are estimated to be long-distance, there are no statistics available for this type of relationship, but clearly thousands of couples are affected by this phenomenon every year. But how realistic is it to expect a long-distance relationship to work, and what can you do to maximise your chances of survival?

To be prepared is half the victory

Long-distance relationships are just as serious as normal relationships, and as such shouldn’t be rushed into. It is important to think about what kind of couple you are and whether you will be able to deal with the strain of being apart. If you feel that you are ready to go ahead with it, think about the nature of your relationship – what is most important to you, and how can you replicate this over a distance.

It is important to discuss the parameters of your relationship. How long will you be separated for in total and how often are you likely to see each other? If one of you is moving away indefinitely, it can be helpful to set a time (maybe after a year) at which point you can reassess the relationship and your options. If it’s still going strong, consider whether you would both want to live abroad together, or whether one of you should leave their job so that you can be together.

Technology: make it work for you

Gone are the days when ships would sail away, marking an end to communication for months on end. The internet has a wealth of facilities that can help you maintain normality in your relationship. Email, messenger services, Skype, and free text facilities are just a few of the ways that you can stay in touch with one another. Most psychologists recommend that couples in long-distance relationship both have internet in their homes and get webcams as these will greatly increase communication possibilities. However, if you prefer talking on the phone, check out contracts with international minutes, or SIM card services such as Lycamobile, which can work out a lot cheaper for calling abroad.

Useful as all these things can be, it is important that you agree on what you will use and how often. Some couples will want to talk every day, but make sure you both agree on something that suits you. Remember that time differences and schedules can drastically impact on when and how long you can speak for. If you can’t talk every day, think about sending emails or e-cards to let the other person know how you are. It’s important to treat your communication seriously, giving the other your full attention, and if you are going miss a ‘date’, let your partner know beforehand.

While the possibilities with technology are still limited, many people find that they can also aid communication and foster honesty and intimacy, since it can be easier (and less embarrassing) to talk about deep emotions or intimate thoughts on a messenger service, rather than face-to-face. Try out different types of communication and see what works for you.

Simulate a real relationship

In a standard relationship, a couple will spend time together doing things, not just talking. Many long-distance relationships find it helpful to watch a TV series, read a book or watch films ‘together’. If this is unrealistic in your relationship, try to watch films that the other has seen and likes, as this will give you things to talk about and keep your relationship interesting, while at the same time learning things about each other. Some couples enjoy playing multiplayer games online, or even play charades using a webcam! Share jokes or videos clips you have enjoyed. Being separated doesn’t mean losing the romance: send each other love letters, presents or flowers!

Communicating and trust are essential

Live your own life, too

While quality communication is important, it is equally essential to continue to develop your individuality so that you don’t become too reliant on your other half. Oddly enough, being separated can be a great time to start a new hobby or take up something you’ve enjoyed in the past. It will fill up your free time, stop you from becoming lonely and you could even make some new friends.

Jetset, go!

Thankfully, it’s easier and cheaper than ever before to travel around the world. Look out for cheap flights on budget airlines; sign up for the newsletter which alerts you of sales and good deals. Some newsletters even give you discount codes. It can be worthwhile exploring other forms of transport such as trains or coaches, and think about taking flights with a stop-off or change as these can be a much cheaper option. Always be planning or have your next visit planned, as this helps break up the time into manageable chunks and gives you something to look forward to. Planning can be a very positive and enjoyable activity to do together, as it focuses your thoughts on each other and helps you to get excited about the things you’re going to do together (even if planned events never actually happen, the time spent planning them was still well spent!)

Last but not least…

Any relationship that will succeed over a distance must have solid foundations built on trust and mutual understanding. It’s vital to be just as honest and open about your feelings when you are away as when you are together. Vocalising worries and doubts is a difficult but essential part of communication that should be maintained throughout a long-distance relationship. That said, burdening your other half with unfounded jealousies will only undermine your confidence in one another. Finally, remember that it’s just as hard for the person going away as for the person staying at home, so try not to get so wrapped up in your own problems that you forget to listen.

Maintaining a long-distance relationship requires just as much time, effort and patience as living under the same roof. But there’s no reason it can’t work. Inevitably your relationship will change, and the difficulties will persist even after you are together again. But a long-distance relationship can be as rewarding as it is challenging. As well as bringing about an increase in the number of couples living long-distance, the modern world has given us the technologies to overcome it. Inevitably, however, the final solution lies in your hands.

The choice is yours...

When you saw the title of this article, did you have flashbacks to ‘80s style Saturday nights in front of the TV? Indeed, the idea of a blind date may well conjure up nothing but mental images of Cilla Black with a shock of a hair set. But besides from some glottal Liverpudlian hooking up girls called ‘Clerrr’ with blokes in search of  not much else but a free holiday in the Seychelles, blind dates do actually happen. And no, that disembodied voice known as ‘Our Graham’ commentating your every move never shows up either.

Okay, so generally, we’re all more or less familiar with the drill on dating. The common sense advice therein applies across the dating board, but when it comes to the ‘blind date’ (i.e. going out with a guy/ girl you’ve never met in person before) there are a few extras to consider. Because we at Running In Heels love to make sure you get the most out of life, here’s our guide to the Blind Date.

Is Blind Dating for You?

There’s no one set of rules to going in blindfolded, but if you’re the type of person who’s not happy stepping a millimetre out of your comfort zone, then rocking up on a date with someone you’ve not met isn’t going to be your thing. We’re not suggesting that blind dates are all zip wires and adrenalin, but it helps to have an open mind and a splash of spontaneity. Basically, what we’re saying is that if you know you’re a control freak, you will probably be really freaked. There’s never any point to stressing yourself out so if this is the case, it’s better to stick to more traditional dating methods. However, if you’re game for a bit of adventure, read on….

Baggin’ a Blinder

Things have moved on a lot since Emma Woodhouse went around playing Cupid. The internet and all its social networking sites (not to mention actual proper dating sites) has pretty much rendered the Emmas and Cillas of this world out of a job. However, it’s totally up to you how you want to go about arranging a blind date. If you have a trusted friend who knows lots of lovely chaps; or are happy following up friends’ passing remarks about how well you’d get on with this guy or that girl; or in fact trust no-one but yourself to choose potential dates, then go with whatever you’re most comfortable doing. Yes, being comfortable is very important in this case. So is being safe…

Safety Safety Safety

Look, we don’t want to sound like your mum, but we can’t emphasise enough the importance of being aware of your personal safety. If you’ve gone down the online route be mindful of the risks you run engaging with anyone in this context. We’re assuming straight off that you’re at least over the age of consent here. If you’re not, please navigate away from this page and get on with your homework. If a date’s origins began online, it’s trickier to ensure whoever it is you’re arranging to meet isn’t a total psycho. Get as much info off your date-to-be as you possibly can without coming off all Gestapo and make up your adult mind based on this. Mind you, the safety rule applies even to blind dates set up through people you know, but at least with this, the subject of your date will come with some kind of character reference.

Arranging a Hook Up

With the above safety lecture in mind, plan your venue. Public places with other people around is the general order of the day for any first date but especially so of it’s a blind one. Where possible, choose somewhere that you are familiar with: not only does this tend to lessen nerves slightly, chances are you’re savvy with how to get there and back without getting lost. If your date isn’t au fait with your agreed venue, that’s their call. But meeting at a location you both have in common is a good foot to start off on anyway: if nothing else, it’s indicative of shared interests on some level.

Communicate some before the blind date

That said it’s best to avoid somewhere you go all the time, where your friends or regular acquaintances are likely to be hanging out too. There’s nothing worse than having your blind date gate-crashed. If your date suggests their local, gently veer them away from the idea. Maybe you’ve been to a nice restaurant or café two or three times which comes with your recommendation? Or perhaps there’s a gallery you’ve been meaning to check out?

Venue no-nos are those where comfortable communication is thrown down the dust pipe. Cinemas, gigs, clubs and super busy bars are generally out. The whole point of the date is to get to know each other, albeit a bit better if you’ve been corresponding beforehand (see below). So if your chit chat is drowned out by music or totally disallowed because you’ve gone to see a film, you’re not going to come away with a better idea of what your date’s like. This might be totally alright with you, and Go Karting or paintballing is your idea of a great time. Fine. But chances are for most, if you’re getting bustled or having to yell to hear each other, you’re going to get irritated. And that’s not exactly going to make the best of impressions, now, is it?

Bear in mind times of day and days of the week. Without wishing to state the obvious, you run a better chance of sitting down in a restaurant that’s nicely peopled, yet not groaning under the weight of the weekend rush on, say, a Wednesday. Maybe you’d prefer to meet for mid-morning coffee? In short, do what makes you feel confident, safe and comfortable.

Getting To Know Your Date…

It might contradict the whole idea of a blind date, but getting to know the person slightly beforehand is recommended for two reasons.

Firstly, refer back to the paragraph on safety. Secondly, communicating ahead of your date will likely give you both things to talk about and pertinent questions you can ask. Maybe your date mentioned a couple of days ago that they have a job interview the morning of your arranged meet up? Or perhaps it turns out they went to the same gig as you last week? However you choose to communicate – by text, email, social networking site or even by phone – be mindful of going overboard: don’t spill everything about yourself before you meet and most importantly, if you feel you’re really into the person already, don’t get all bunny boiler on them if they don’t reply to an email or text straight away. Retain a little mystery and exercise a modicum of cool.

Pre-Date Nerves

Blind or not, we all get pre-date nerves. You’ll have heard it a million times, but just remember that your date is likely just as nervous as you are. Sure, nerves will be intensified by the prospect of meeting a person you’ve not actually seen in the flesh before. Don’t get worked up by this.

Here’s the trick: when it comes to blind dating, suspend all sense of expectation and keep your mind well and truly open. By approaching the date with no preconceived ideas beyond that of your own responsibility, you lessen the impact of any negative feelings that might crop up. Look at the date as nothing more than an adventure at this stage. Even if you don’t end up having all that great a time with a Mr Darcy of sorts, you have had an experience and it’s totally up to you what you make of that.

The Time Has Come

So, you’re officially on your date. Here are a few things to think about to help make your blind date go as smoothly and successfully as possible…

What to Wear

We’re not saying you’re the kind of person who reminds people of Jodie Marsh sartorially, but do avoid anything that verges on ‘in yer face’. That goes without saying really. Equally, make it look like you’ve made an effort too. If you’re going to your date straight from work, for example, and don’t want to lug a change of clothes around, jazz up your look with jewellery or a to-die-for pair of shoes. Also, freshening yourself up will freshen up your mind. After all, you don’t want to be in boardroom zone.

Cornered by Conversation

Remember that just because you’ve both paused with the talking for two minutes doesn’t mean that the date is going down the crapper. You don’t need to fill air space and start asking things you have no interest in hearing the answer to. Let them take the cue if you feel it’s right. Do ask your date questions about themselves; don’t be an inquisitor.

Try not to get blitzed on your date...

Be Yourself

Yeah. Simple as that. Be you. There’s no point in not being true to yourself. After all, if you want to take it further with a date, what’s the point in being an actor?

Cheers!

If your blind date involves alcohol, keep a check on how much you’re sinking. Being puritan is equally as off-putting (unless you don’t drink, of course) but don’t get blitzed. Yup; there’s the safety bell again! Don’t make yourself unnecessarily vulnerable, even if your judgement tells you that your date is top flippin’ drawer. It’s not just your date; it’s other people too, especially if you’re going to be making your way home alone. Not only might you scare your date off completely if you get bladdered – keep in mind the first impression thing! – more importantly, you might end up doing things you regret: dancing on the table, impro karaoke, crying, or…

The Sex Factor

…ending up between the sheets. Right, so. This is a delicate topic, because at the end of the day, it’s entirely up to you what to do. But because the date is blind, doesn’t mean you should turn a blind eye on not giving everything away in one go. Yes, this applies to any date situation. Basically, if the only reason you’ve ventured out on a blind date in the first place is to bag a shag, you got it all wrong, sister. If you like the person, intensify the excitement by retaining your mystery, theirs and the impetus to arrange a second date. And a third. And however many you want before you get down and dirty. Just respect yourself. And by gum, do not be pressured into doing anything you’re not 100% comfortable with. Capiche?

The ‘Emergency’ Phone Call

This old chestnut, hey? There are two sides to this blatant lie: on the one hand, your date isn’t going to fall for it. Fact. However, if you do fall back on the whole, “I’m sorry, my cat’s really ill. I’ve got to go,” thing, at least your date might get the message that you probably won’t be up for a second meeting. It’s a bit cowardly, a tiny bit nasty and only to be used if your date really is a bore and not reading you.

Even if halfway through the date you make your mind up that round two is unlikely, do try and stick with it until you’ve at least finished dessert. This is why it’s a good idea to hold your date on a school night. If anything, this affords you the excuse to make it home promptly because you need to get up for work. Apply the same sort of idea with a coffee date, or whatever you choose. Don’t give them reason to think you’re a bitch – especially if a mutual friend was responsible for the hook up – and don’t be so polite that it looks like you sat on a pole somewhere between starters and main. Just maintain your integrity while respecting the other person: they have feelings too.

The Blind Date Debrief

So, how did it go?

● Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes! If you’ve already arranged a second date or have promised to call each other to do so, then congratulations. Looks like the start of something blindly beautiful.

They're all experiences. Yes, even the terrible ones.

● Maybe? Feelin’ indecisive while you recall the events of last night at your work station in the sober light of day? Bear in mind that your date might not have been on top form under the circumstances. For example, some people babble when they’re nervous. Some people are edgy. Some people are total lunatics, but, in more relaxed situations are actually cool as heck. Give yourself time to ruminate on this. This will also mean that you have time to see what move your date makes: are they calling you every half hour to tell you what an amazing time they had? How do you feel about that?

It’s worth considering going in for another date if you’re in two minds, but think about doing something totally different instead. Placing your date in a different context might help with your appraisal. And then, take it from there. But remember… If you’re feeling lukewarm, arrange to see each other again in a week or so’s time: don’t accept his or her offer of a meet the very next night as this could send out all the wrong messages and land you up in hot water.

● No way Jose! Well, fair dos if it’s mutual. You’ve had an experience. However, if you’ve written off further encounters but your date is pressing to see you again ASAP, the best way to handle this is to suspend getting emotional. Don’t text them to tell them that they’re a psycho ape and that they need to get out of your life or else. Give them the benefit of the doubt and let them figure out that by you not replying to all of their multiple texts and not answering every call they make means that you’re not hanging on the phone waiting for them to get in touch. We’ve all had the shoe on the other foot: think about what you thought when the guy / girl you were hell bent on seeing wasn’t exactly bending over backwards to reciprocate. We’re all intelligent enough to second guess a no go, so let them do the maths.

Oh, and one last thing: honour your date’s reputation. Plastering the details of your evening – however great or ghastly – in your status update is quite frankly disrespectful. At least change their name.

Sunny days are just around the corner

Note to self: be positive!

On bright days when our cup runneth over, it’s easy to be optimistic and roll with the punches – positive thinking is second nature to us. However, not every day is a bright day. Sometimes, we wake up to find that, overnight, while nothing has actually changed in our lives, the world has fallen off kilter… The job offer that yesterday seemed so promising, today looks dead-end and badly-paid. The home in which we felt so comfortable now looks pokey and shabby. The relationships that seemed secure now appear shallow and tenuous. Most of us want to act in these moments. We want to get to work fixing the problems we perceive to be the cause of our misery. We never stop to realise that the only thing that has changed between yesterday and today is our mood, which is a result of our thinking.

What we need at these times is not a solution but a mental shake. When film characters get the blues, they inevitably sit at a bar – alone – and happen to get talking to some gorgeous, semi-mystic stranger who sees into their troubled soul and says something profound and perceptive that gives them just the boost they need. How convenient. Sadly, life isn’t a film, and I have never happened upon a man in a bar who looks like Hugh Jackman and spouts the wisdom of the Dalai Lama. Maybe I’m going to the wrong bars…

So, we have to create our own contingency plans. Less glamorous than a divine stranger with just the right thing to say but just as effective is the classic note-to-self scrawled on the humble post-it note. I believe in the power of the ‘Universe’ as much as the next girl, but I also believe in the power of me and my own capacity to pull myself out of the doldrums. I don’t want to leave it to the universe or wait for Hugh Jackman to walk into my life and deliver the killer line that parts the clouds; I take matters into my own hands. I’m preparing now for the days when I’m not my usual sunny self that brims over with perspective – scrawling notes to myself on post-its to be re-read when that little mental shake is needed. So, here are the top three pieces of advice I’d like to come across on a rainy day. The snippets of wisdom that seem so blindingly obvious in the moment, but that I know I’ll forget on my off days.

Worry is like a Rocking Horse

You can sit and rock all day but it won’t get you anywhere. We’ve all been there. It’s 3 a.m. and sleep just isn’t happening. We toss and turn and contemplate the day to come. In that moment, even the prospect of a weekend away can take on elephantine proportions and spawn a thousand possibilities for disaster. These range from the practical (Will I get the train on time?) to the anxiously speculative (Maybe I should take the walking boots, after all. What if it rains?), and the downright ridiculous (What if the B&B doesn’t have muesli– I’ll have to eat a full English breakfast – I’ll balloon at least two sizes overnight…). This type of worry is like that rocking horse. No matter how much you stew and how many scenarios you envisage, it will never get you anywhere.

So what do you do at 3 a.m., when the demons circle your bed? The first thing to do is get up and take action to allay the more practical concerns. Make sure the alarm is set, take a quick look at your hotel reservation, pack the walking boots. Then, choose a couple of your more left-field worries and logically deconstruct them: “OK, the B&B might not have muesli, but that doesn’t mean I have to scoff a full fry-up. Two days is not going to make a difference on the scales, and even if it does, letting go for a couple of days will be a well-earned treat, besides the fact that having breakfast cooked for me is a huge luxury to be enjoyed and not feared!”

Then, when you’ve taken action to turn the flood of worries into a trickle, get off the rocking horse. Simply stop engaging in those thoughts. Dismount, and trust that whatever happens, you’ll deal with it as best you can – and feel safe in the knowledge that your best will be so much better after a good night’s sleep.

Bing and Rosemary see the positive side

Put a Positive Spin on it

Remember the film White Christmas? If you haven’t seen it, break with tradition and watch it now – in the middle of summer. One of my favourite scenes is when Bing Crosby sings to the classy but sleepless Rosemary Clooney:

“When I am worried and I can’t sleep,

I count my blessings instead of sheep.

And I fall asleep counting my blessings.

When my bankroll is getting small,

I think of when I had none at all.

And I fall asleep counting my blessings.”

Sage advice indeed. It’s hard to stay gloomy when you’re listing all the things that good in your life. Now, I know what you’re going to say: when you’re feeling down, it feels as if nothing is good. Well, that’s just the point. For example, today the world is against me: it’s raining, I have a really busy work day, I ladder my tights (naturally), I miss the bus, and by the time I arrive at work (late), my morale is in my boots. It takes some effort to find gratitude, but it’s right now that it’s most required. I start listing: ok, rain – what’s good about rain? Well, I won’t have to water the garden this evening. Next, busy day – I’m in demand and my opinion is respected, so people ask me to be in meetings, that’s a good thing. OK, the tights were a casualty of my own haste and are hard to spin… erm, good excuse to buy some fabulous glossy hold-ups! And, yes, the bus was late, but at least I got a seat. It can take Herculean force to cross to the sunny side of the street when the cosmos plots against you, but even finding the tiniest silver lining helps. And your list will always increase exponentially – gratitude breeds gratitude.

JUST STOP!

When you’re in a negative spiral, it can feel like driving a car too fast on a slippery road approaching a bend. Panic causes paralysis, and we have a tendency to freeze and, ironically, accelerate. On the days when a pity party sounds like fun, a similar kind of emotional panic sets in. Your logical brain knows you’re behind the wheel and, technically, in control, but your feet can’t seem to find the brakes. You know that staying in your bathrobe isn’t helping, that the portable black hole you bought to crawl into is not the answer, and that listening to Céline’s rendition of “All By Myself” on a loop is propelling you into worryingly Bridget-esque territory, but your wagon of self-flagellation continues to career towards the abyss.

What will it take to make you hit the brakes? We all take the hint when we see a red light or a stop sign. Well, now’s the time for a well-placed roadside stop sign. A big, red circle screaming DESIST! – yes, you can even give it an exclamation mark if you like. Imagine your roadside STOP sign and mentally obey. STOP. STOP. STOP. Stop hitting yourself over the head and move your arse. Right, that’s enough wallowing. Stand up, put on some music, dance, sing, go to the cinema, have a shower, phone a friend, take a walk, bake a cake, clear out your wardrobe, clean the bathroom … embark upon any activity other than self-destructive thinking.

Put the duvet away and turn Céline off!

Be Prepared!

There’s a lot to be said for a Post-It. When the blues come to call, we all need something to shake us awake and back into positivity – or at least something to make us realise that we’re just in a low mood and that action is unnecessary. It is on such dark days that we most need our inner wisdom and yet, in one of life’s cruelly ironic twists, it is in precisely these moments that our wisdom is the least accessible to us.

So, in true Boy Scout fashion, be prepared. Keep a list of mood-boosting techniques you’ll be glad to re-read in times of trouble. What about making a list of the perfect films to watch and songs to play? Add some photos of amazing times in your life, a pressed flower from a treasured bouquet, a favourite poem. Remind yourself of the best people to call, and call them. Going out and spending time with other people is often the last thing you want to do when you’re feeling down, but it never fails to give you much-needed perspective.

Whether it’s just enjoying the company of people you love (yes, you do have some – seriously, turn that flippin’ Céline song off!) or listening to someone else’s problems and realising that yours are not the only crises in the world. In fact, reaching out a hand to someone in need – listening to a friend, offering help with a project, or simply doing something spontaneously nice for someone – is the ultimate mood-booster. Not out of some kind of schadenfreude, but because being of service and bringing joy to others is the quickest route to bringing joy to yourself. And if you believe you can’t do much, think on the words of Mother Teresa: “We shall never know all the good that a simple smile can do”.

And, if worst comes to worst, offer up your problem to the universe: take your reminder list to read at a local café, treat yourself to a frothy coffee, and keep an eye out for that Hugh/Dalai hybrid. You never know…

It could be a good deal for both of us...

Well hey there good lookin’! I’m a 29 year old lawyer, high powered business woman, international spy, blogger and I’m looking for a lil sugar daddy action.

I’m not sure how these things work, but here’s what I envision: basically, you’ll buy me stuff. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for female empowerment and sisters doing it for themselves, but quite frankly, this sister is tired and needs a little help. I have a lot of things I’d like to do over the next few months, things I’d like to buy, places I’d like to go etc and I’m slogging my guts out, but the reality is, none of those things are gonna happen on my salary, so that’s where you come in.

You’d be kind of like my supplementary income, if you will. But, that part’s straight forward enough. I’m sure you’re probably wondering what you’ll get out of the deal.

Well, I’m obviously younger than you and quite frankly, I’m pretty smokin’, so have me on your arm at all those company functions/balls/corporate events etc, and people will admire and respect you for the pervert you are. You’ll get to enjoy the pleasure of my company and as company goes, I’m pretty darn fascinating (and not in the slightest bit conceited or egocentric). I’ll let you come round to my apartment every now and then (that you’re paying for), to drop things off (that you’ve bought for me).

Now I’m sure you’re eager for something a little more sexual, but I was hoping we could get away without the sex (unless you look like George Clooney, in which case, I’m willing to negotiate). I’d be willing to indulge in the occasional cuddle, perhaps some hand holding and if you have some weird foot fetish thing which involves you buying me shoes and admiring me in them, then we can definitely talk, but other than that, I will most likely shut down any sort of sexual advance you make towards me with a swift kick in the balls (and if you’re the kind of guy that enjoys that, then I’m gonna need you to move on to the next ad).

Into S&M? Non, merci!

You might see pictures of me online, like the one to the left and despite what you may think, I’m not into S&M. If you are, Merry Christmas, but please take your chains and whips elsewhere. All this needs to be is a simple exchange of your money, for my thrilling company. I’d be willing to give you, oh, say, one day a month? I’d make myself available for any additional dinners etc, but naturally, I’d expect you to cover my expenses.

See, this could really be a great deal for the both of us. Think of all those expensive holidays you can send me on (you’re not invited on those, by the way. What if I meet a guy and you’re there? Awkward!), the nice dresses you can buy me, the debt you can get me out of and not to mention the shoes – oh, the shoes. And you get…to hang out with me. Hello! Win-win!

So, if you think you’re up for being my Sugar Daddy, apply within. I’m sure I’ll be absolutely inundated with emails, so I may be holding American Idol-style auditions to decide on the final ‘Daddy’.

Read more Bangs and a Bun blogs online here.

Louis XIV established rules of 'etiquette'

Imagine the scene: 18th century France, the fashionable and scandalous court of King Louis XIV. At the newly-built palace of Versailles, nobles and courtiers freely trample the freshly-planted gardens and run riot over Le Nôtre’s masterpiece. Quelle horreur!

In response to this aberration, a harassed gardener devised a system of signposts placed around the grounds to discourage such bad behaviour. When these entreaties – “keep off the grass” and “don’t walk on the flowers” – remained unheeded, the Sun King himself decreed that the instructions must be obeyed. These signs, known as ‘etiquettes’ – the French for ‘tickets’, or ‘signs’, eventually gave way to actual notes distributed at court functions with more general rules on where to stand and what to do.

Etiquette, then, is clearly rooted in the notion of decent, courtly behaviour – basic good manners in other words. Over time, however, the term has been contaminated with notions of behaviour dictated by social class and upbringing. When we refer to the rules of etiquette, we think not so much of the good sense and basic politeness of not treading down our host’s prize petunias, but more of a set of fairly arbitrary rules dictating the correct piece of cutlery for each course and the acceptable colour of tie for a formal dinner.

Manners Versus Etiquette

Ironically, for an inclusive system of rules that was once developed to share notions of good behaviour with guests, etiquette is now more a marker of difference, one that singles out the uninitiated, rather than the civilizing, positive influence it once was. The display of proper etiquette is a sign of a certain level of privilege in one’s upbringing. Knowing which fork to use tells your dinner companions that you have had access to the right kinds of restaurants; taking care to pass the port to the left signals that you have socialised in quite specific circles. Essentially, it says “I know the same code as you”; but that is all it is – a code. It is a code that anyone can learn, given the right circumstances and opportunities. Manners on the other hand, are a different matter.

A man’s manners, Goethe wrote, “are a mirror in which he shows his portrait”. Manners are nothing to do with the somewhat ephemeral rules of cutlery and port-passing that are entirely dependent on geography, era, class and social group for their foundation. Manners are about treating other people with respect and dignity, contributing to a civilized and fair society, and observing the Gospel truth, “Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them” (Matthew 7:12). Anyone can learn social rules, but as Goethe so succinctly suggests, it is good manners and not good etiquette that distinguish a person with true class.

The perfect example of the importance of manners as opposed to etiquette can be seen in the quite probably apocryphal story of the king who drank the finger bowl. The story goes that at a huge banquet, one of the king’s less worldly guests who had never seen a finger bowl before mistook the hot lemon-scented water for soup and drank the lot. The monarch, to spare the guest from embarrassment, promptly picked up his own finger bowl and drank it down. Valuing the comfort of his guest over the demands of a social code, the king’s act reveals human compassion.

American manners and etiquette expert, Emily Post, wrote that, “Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness,you have good manners, no matter what fork you use”. When sitting at dinner, the comfort of other diners is better catered for by eating in a clean and polite fashion than by being sure to place the peas on the back of the knife and not to use it the way you would a spoon. Good manners are about not slurping, eating with one’s mouth open, and talking with one’s mouth full, in order to save one’s companion a vision of a semi-masticated side of beef fit to ruin the appetite. Equally, the sense of not smoking around those who are eating requires little explanation.

It's not just about knowing your cutlery

The Lost Art of Manners

Sadly, as many before me have noted, good manners seem to be a dying art. In shops, sales assistants chat openly among themselves, barely lifting their heads to look at customers, let alone utter the mythical “Have a nice day”. But can we blame them? Shoppers breeze through the checkout, mobile phone surgically attached to ear, miming “I’ll pay by card”, and never thinking to utter that endangered species of the vocabulary world, the humble “thank you”. Town centres seem full of people who require a bleep for every second word; it would be easy to believe that the most popular babies names are now “little git” and “bleedin’ sod”.

Swearing can be a cathartic expression of the overwhelming desire to kill the #*#*! who let the door slam in your face, but does everyone else in the shopping centre need to hear your foul language, however justified it may be? Even physical modesty is not safe. Of course, a person’s clothing should never be blamed for any attacks or abuse that may be perpetrated against them. However, personal liberty extends only as far as it does not infringe upon the rights and comfort of others. So, yes, we all have the right to wear what we want, but surely not forcing others to bear witness to our underwear, or worse, our nipples, buttocks and more, is just good citizenship. At the risk of falling off my soapbox as I wave my petition in the air, I have to say that I object!

When you get fed up with the people who try to board the train before letting others off and barge past you to get the last seat, or those people who jump the queue, interrupt your conversation, mistake shouting at each other for talking, and snub the waiter, I suggest a trip to the swimming pool. For some reason, my local pool is a haven of good manners. Each swimmer leaves a respectable distance between him or herself and the person in front. Those turning round at the end of a lap politely offer the next opportunity to push off to others who are waiting: “No, please, after you, I’m doing backstroke and will only hold you up”. Any accidental taps and bumps are apologised for with a wave of the hand or a gasped “sorry”. Swimwear conforms to the local authority regulations, and everyone respects the signs indicating the lanes for slow, medium and fast swimmers. The rules of good pool manners are displayed and obeyed to such an extent that one wonders whether Louis’s gardener did not actually have the right idea from the start.

Maybe, in an age of growing individualism and I’m-all-right-jack-ary, we do need signposts for good behavior. Until I can convince the government to implement this suggestion, we will all just have to take a deep breath as we leave the house and remember the wise words of Wendell L. Willkie, ambassador under F. D. Roosevelt: “The test of good manners is to be able to put up pleasantly with bad ones”.

Don't feel bad about saying no!

Unless you’re a total sociopath, chances are you’ve had your share of timidity in situations where you’ve felt unable to voice what you truly think. We all have, be it with friends, work colleagues or managers, telemarketers, over-zealous shop assistants or complete strangers. But we’re not talking about kicking off or being downright obnoxious and inflexible when you can’t get your own way. We mean avoiding letting yourself get into positions or situations that you will later resent to your own detriment.

Being assertive is in fact social communication between individuals flowing efficiently and appropriately, while respecting the needs and wishes of other people. It’s also a terrific confidence booster. Whether it’s to ensure you stick within your salaried remit in the workplace through to deciding which film you see at the cinema with a date, Running In Heels brings you twelve ways to be more assertive.

Don’t Mess People Around

First and foremost, remember that other people, particularly if they’re directly involved in something you’ve pandered or committed to, could probably do with knowing where they stand. Instead of feeling shy about asserting yourself, remember that in stating your true feelings about things, you are actually respecting other people and their time and energy. Don’t do things just because you think it’s what other people want to hear: letting them down at the eleventh hour, whatever the matter at hand, is going to piss them off way more in the long run.

Think About How You’d Feel…

Further to point one, put yourself on the opposite side of the table. This is very simple: how would you like to be treated? More than likely with honesty and respect. Thus, do unto others and all that.

Just Say No

Okay; the biggie. Two letters, one heck of a word. Saying “No” is a darn sight harder than it looks, and takes practice not just to perfect its delivery, but also for you to feel cool letting it tumble forth. There’s no need to be snarky (in fact, apply that rule always and be polite) but you are completely at liberty to opt not to do something. Everyone is.

Let’s imagine a case scenario: you’re in a little boutique looking for an outfit to wear to a wedding/birthday party/fancy event. Let’s go with the cliché and assume the shop assistant is a bit snotty. You feel slightly intimidated the moment you walk in and catch her eye. Okay, so she might look you up and down; you might curse yourself for wearing raggy jeans and filthy high tops, but point of the matter is you’re there to potentially spend money – the shop assistant knows this. So, as you rake through the rails and pick out a few things to try on, she will know it’s time to go in for the hard sell.

If she makes sartorial suggestions that are way off the mark (for whatever reason) just say, absolutely, no mucking about, “No.” Unless you really like a suggestion she’s made, don’t fall into the trap of a) letting her bully you, b) feeling intimidated and c) ending up with something you actually hate/can’t afford. Be straight: it’s your money and your time; she’s paid to be there all day and to make as many sales as possible. You should not be made to feel like you are a conduit for her success. Spare everyone the hassle and say, “No.”

No Need To Explain

Simple as that. You don’t need to state the reasons you do or don’t want to do something if you don’t want to. A simple, “I’d rather…” or, “No, I don’t think I can…” is perfectly acceptable. Unless someone expressly asks you why or why not, don’t feel obliged to explain yourself with any kind of profusion – that’s just unnecessary babbling. Remember, if another person becomes aggressive in their demand for you to explain yourself, they’re disrespecting you (if you’re feeling assertive, tell them so!). But never rise to aggression, ever. Cool and polite, always, no matter how rude other people get. And if they insult you? Remove yourself from the discussion.

Don't do like Marcel Marceau and mimic

Mirror Mirror

Ingratiate your tone of voice and body language so that it matches that of the other person. Don’t get all Single White Female about things, nor make like Marcel Marceau and start mimicking everything they do like some weirdo sycophant. However, if they’re sitting on a chair, you sit too; if they’re standing, stand too.

Basically, if your physical presence is above their level, you’ll be subconsciously emitting aggressive vibes. In turn, if you sit down and they remain standing, you’re automatically subordinate. Same goes for tone of voice and speed of speech. All of this is very subconscious and clever. Your discussion partner will inadvertently appropriate themselves to you if they pick up signals that they’re speaking with someone who’s coming from the same place as them. In turn, they’re likely to be far more open to anything you have to say.

Body Language

Following on from complementing other peoples’ body language, be aware of your own too. The big one to remember here is eye contact. If you’re face to face with a person, make sure you keep your eyes on theirs. Avoiding eye contact looks furtive and will send out the wrong signals. Also, if you’re hunched or fidgeting, others won’t read you as especially confident. Relax your shoulders, keep your back straight and stand with your feet shoulder width apart – but no need to look like a soldier on parade.

If you’re not getting anywhere with your point of view, remain calm and move one of your feet so that you’re standing in fourth position: this stance is confident but open too.

Finally, fidgety hands and arms flaw most people. Avoid crossing your arms across your chest as this subconsciously sends out bulldozer vibes or signals that you’re scared. Instead, ‘steeple’ your fingers: press your thumbs and tips of your fingers against the tips of those on your other hand to make a sort of steeple shape. This beseeching hand arrangement is sincere and because the A-frame your fingers make will naturally point toward the other person, it will be subconsciously read as – literally – to the point.

Give Me A Minute…

If you feel like you’ve been put on the spot in making a decision or replying to a request or question, don’t panic. You are well within your rights to go away and have a think. Be this a few minutes or a few days, you can buy yourself time without upsetting anybody in asking to be permitted the liberty of being given time to mull something over.

Whatever your response in the end, the good thing about stating you need a little time to think before you get back to someone with a reply might also mean that the other person has also had a little think about plan B, C and D too. If your answer isn’t in the affirmative, chances are plan C actually looks like the more practical option after all and you’re off the hook anyway.

Hangin’ On The Telephone

If you’re on the phone, let the other person state their piece without your interruption. Pause before you reply too: this needn’t be awkward, but exercising beats of silence is a goodway of holding your ground. It shows that you are truly listening to the other person and considering their point of view, even if you have already made up your mind. Don’t take the position of a passive aggressive – remain fair and balanced in tone and speech, but don’t feel you have to fill empty spaces with noise. The other person will likely be far more uncomfortable (not that you’re trying to freak them out, of course) with silences and may well lose their conviction in blustering to fill them.

This actually applies to face to face engagement too. Silence is not representative of being dumbfounded: it displays consideration and respect for others. Remember that!

Shhh! Silence is a sign of respect.

Starting Afresh

Exercising assertiveness with people who are new to you is easier than doing so with those who you’ve known for some time. In that, new people are a great way to build confidence in this way as they are unlikely to carry any preconceptions as to how you might react or respond. Furthermore, they will come to see you as a straight talking (although not rude, remember!), honest and confident person and will treat you so therein. Building up self-respect in this way will mean that you’ll be able to take on the most formidable of people in time!

Starting afresh is especially applicable with the likes of or new boyfriends / girlfriends or friends. Control isn’t the game here, but submission isn’t either.

Be Decisive

To the best of your ability, be decisive. We’ve all got one or two people we know who tend to respond to suggestions with irritating phrases such as, “I don’t mind what we do,” or “Whatever”. Quite frankly, it’s more than probable they do mind, but aren’t confident enough to say so. In fact, when people tell you they don’t mind what film you see at the cinema/what bar you go to/which restaurant you eat at, they’re actually really disrespecting you: unwittingly, they’re shifting all the responsibility onto other people. And let’s face it; isn’t it usually the people who ‘don’t mind’ who end up whingeing about what a shit night they’ve had/how crap the film was/what a rank meal they ended up having?

Watch yourself for phrases like this. There’s no need to claim the control, but if others see that you’re confident in stating what you’d like to do, it’s more likely they’ll feel better about giving their opinion too. And in doing so, a decision will be made without the ping pong, even if it’s drawn up amid compromise.

Meet Halfway

Whatever the situation, meeting halfway will satisfy matters with equality of respect. Nobody has had to fully compromise themselves, nor will either side feel as though their opinion is less important than the other’s and feel resentment or put upon. The halfway house approach is actually perfect for any situation: it expresses flexibility on your part as well as sensibility and responsibility for what you are or aren’t able to fulfill. It also adds a bit of magic clout in that if you are asked to do something by someone, they will feel like you’re really making time for them – even though you’re not necessarily carrying out or fulfilling everything they initially asked from you. Clever, huh?

Respect Yourself

Perhaps the most important point and to all intents the key to gaining confidence and being more assertive. Always, always respect yourself. Your feelings and opinions DO matter, however much you might think they don’t. Your time is also at stake: just think about those people who charge hundreds of pounds for half a day of their time. They charge so because they respect themselves and their abilities. Do not let other people exploit your time – you have better things to do than hang around or be walked on. Also, think about the last time you were edged into a position or situation where you really weren’t comfortable. Bet you felt crap afterward? Maybe thoroughly pissed off too? So, don’t let yourself get into a repeat situation. If you say, “Yes, of course, whatever you say,” when what you actually meant to say was, “No, I can’t; I really don’t have the time to do that,” then you’re shafting yourself. Respecting yourself means taking responsibility for yourself also. You, your opinions, your time and your feelings are just as important as the next person’s.

Treat other people and approach their opinions and feelings (however difficult they might be) with the same level of respect.

But remember, always be fair and polite!

Monogamy can be a heavy burden...

I have often found when talking to friends on the subject a rather closed off view of what a relationship is and should be. Not one of the people I talk to casually on the subject can relate to really desiring someone else, or even needing to resist temptation. For one of my closest friends it is simply a matter of closing off that part of yourself once you find someone special. To me, that is just as naive as the idea that sleeping around will solve problems in a relationship, or bring you closer to your partner, and is an irritatingly moralistic viewpoint.

The Myth of Monogamy

The idea that in a healthy, stable and loving relationship no one ever has thoughts of straying is ridiculous. Sleeping with the same person night after night while comforting in its way, is not always a roller-coaster ride of excitement. Monogamy breeds monotony; once you both have every move down pat and those first hot and heavy months are just a dim memory it’s hard not to start indulging in a little harmless fantasising about the copy guy at work with the great bum. Maybe exploring others is the way to keep things fresh and exciting while still enjoying all the benefits of monogamy, like companionship and a deeper connection. I prefer a more complex approach and understand that nothing in life is ever that straightforward – especially relationships and sex. Just because someone is fulfilling you emotionally doesn’t necessarily mean that your desire for the new and exciting suddenly disappears.

Aside for the lucky few who are sated by one partner over the course of a lifetime, for most of us, monogamy will always be a perpetual exercise in self control. It can be a heavy burden indeed and one that sees over 50 per cent of all UK marriages fail, 51 per cent of those due to infidelity. In evolutionary terms, wanting more than one partner was once a tool of survival. So it could be argued that suppressing that biological urge in favour of conforming to modern society’s rules and expectations goes against nature and our fundamental makeup as human beings. Far-fetched and a little self-serving? Perhaps. But when everything in our society labels monogamy: good, polygamy: bad this evolutionary argument goes a long way to explaining why so many people cheat. After all, it can’t all be motivated by selfishness and immaturity.

Let’s for a second, however, move away from the purely physical aspect of an open relationship. While some people do use an open relationship as an excuse to sleep with others without the guilt, it seems a greater percentage use the idea as a way of finding a sort of fulfilment they don’t believe they will find through monogamy. The concept of free love in the 1960s was based on the idea that you can never hope to get everything you need from just one person; a non traditionalist rebellion of modern ideas about marriage, monogamy and sexuality, not just an excuse to screw everything in sight. Open relationships are a kind of halfway house, a median strip between monogamy and free love.  An open marriage or relationship becomes dangerous when it is instigated out of a need to feel completed by something outside of yourself.

Self-love before multi-love

Andrea Zanin has an MA in Women’s Studies and most of her writing deals with the topic of polyamory, she says: “Be happy alone first. Then add one or more partners to enhance, deepen and enjoy that happiness with you. But do not make your happiness dependent on someone else’s presence in your life or your bedroom, let alone two or three people’s presence. That’s not a relationship, that’s co-dependence.” Therefore, the cornerstone of this sort of endeavour is a strong sense of self love, an enjoyment of your own company and solid sense of self.

Can just one person really satisfy you?

According to Andrea, understanding the sort of person you are, and what it is you need out of a relationship is the only way of successfully pulling off a polygamous lifestyle. On her website Sex Geek, Andrea invites the reader to answer some important questions that can help  you figure out if this is the lifestyle for you.

For better and for worse

It seems we are becoming more open to the idea of extra-marital affairs as a way of salvaging or enhancing a relationship. According to the website Illicit Encounters, British couples are increasingly open to exploring infidelity as a way of strengthening their marriage. In fact, the vast majority who use the site reported improvements, with only 0.5 percent saying it weakened the relationship. It seems forty years after the fact, society is finally catching up to the notion of free love.

Site administrator, Sara Hartley says she can hardly believe the changes in attitude towards the site since it was first conceived in 2003.

“People are beginning to consider extra-marital relationships in a new light, perhaps as a device intended to strengthen a marriage, rather than dissolve it. It seems, unlike Cheryl and Ashley, who have just confirmed their separation after only three and half years of marriage, many British couples are choosing to stick together, for better and for worse.”

This is really what lies at the heart of an open relationship; not just sexual openness but a kind of brutal honesty that few relationships experience. Rather than hide a part of yourself you expose everything for your partner to see. It is the ultimate act of bravery and foolishness. Sara sees Cheryl and Ashley as just another casualty of social constraint and unquestioning traditionalism. A polygamist looks outside moral convention and shies away from tradition for the mere sake of it. Whereas an open relationship for these two would truly have been a free pass for Ashley and nothing more, I don’t think mutually sanctioned cheating is at the heart of the truly polygamous relationship. Above anything you have to be brave, the sort of bravery that can shoulder with equanimity daily scorn, misunderstanding and disgust.

Can open relationships work?

It takes ground rules, and a lot of the most honest communication you will ever have with either yourself or your partner to make an open relationship work. It means keeping the lines of communication open and maintaining a new level of, albeit odd, trust in one another. Boundaries must be set and rules established early on, and these can vary depending on the couple. But as many found in the 1960s the concept of truly free love, without emotions or baggage, is complicated and often unattainable.

Does 1+1 equate to happiness today?

After all, is anything ever really free? We’re talking about an age before life-threatening STDs for starters. Consequence free sex may not exist and when we get down to it, is an open relationship really an advanced approach to monogamy? Despite the statistics, it would be a special couple indeed for whom sleeping with other people brought them closer together and when you strip away the self-justification the idea of an open relationship can seem a little sophomoric. There is a reason we usually never get to have our cake and eat it too. There are pros and cons to being single as well as being in a relationship; thinking that you can enjoy the perks of both without any of the drawbacks is naive. Inevitably natural human jealousy and possessiveness rear their ugly heads, attachments form or comparisons begin. That is not to say we cannot separate love and sex sometimes, but eventually the fantasy ends and reality takes its place.

Writer Jennifer Dozier watched the decline of her friend’s marriage after a long experiment with open marriage. She noted that despite pledges to be honest with one another, both inevitably began editing their experiences, leaving out feelings of closeness experienced during encounters with others.

“Both spouses began to have little or no sexual interest in each other, as they were far more interested in finding someone “new” to have sex with. The difficulties they endured by integrating sex with third parties, no matter how temporary, slowly drove a more complex and dishonest wedge between the two of them.”

The general thinking behind the concept seems to be the idea that, if most marriages and relationships eventually deteriorate due to jealousy and desire why not head the trouble off at the pass? Regain some control by taking the reins and facing head on what most couples shy away from? We’ve all had thoughts about someone else but never done anything about it because we were in a loving relationship, but what if your partner suddenly gives you the green light to cheat? Where does human jealousy end and empowerment begin? If loving is letting go then maybe this is the way of the future, love in its purest form. Then again, there is something to be said for the promise of fidelity and knowing that your partner really can get everything they need from you and you alone.

Female competition in the workplace

We’ve all been there: competing with female friends for the affections of the hot school stud, arguing with sisters over parental approval or fighting the endless battle of living up to mother’s high moral standards.  As women, we compete with each other on a number of levels; from the physical to the intellectual, this competitive streak is drummed into us from an early age in which we are conditioned to believe that our success lies in the biased opinions of others and that our self-worth is largely validated by physical appearance.

From age-old fairy tales in which we first learn that in order to bag that charming Prince we must be the prettiest, sweetest girl in the land, to the modern day mixed directive of America’s teen singing sensation, Hannah Montana, females the world over are receiving the message loud and clear: women hate other women and the only way to stay one step ahead of the game is to be the best.  The best friend; the best mother; the best sister; the best looking; the best lover.

According to psychology instructor Cassandra George Sturges, “Women are usually judged by characteristics that they have little control over; something that they did not create, and that exist outside of themselves such as their physical appearance.  Her success is based on subjective, biased external validation by others.”  This means that women are in almost constant competition with each other owing to the lack of control which they have over such opinions.  And in this case, it is useful to highlight the fact that these views are just that: the opinions of others based on their own personal preferences.  Some people perceive the epitome of beauty as being a skinny natural blonde with blue eyes, while others have a penchant for curvy women with dark hair and dark skin.

Many women feel pressured to look a certain way in order to compete with the same sex or vie for male attention.  The media perpetuates the problem by surrounding us with images of unattainable beauty; thrusting airbrushed, caricatured young females in our faces on a daily basis.  However, the sad reality of the situation is that the blame does not lie solely in the hands of glossy magazines, false advertisements and American-influenced TV programmes.  No ladies, we’ve done it to ourselves.  We are to blame.

A quick look at the statistics reveals a sorry situation.  Susan Shapiro Barash’s book Tripping the Prom Queen: The Truth About Women and Rivalry states that:

● More than 90 percent of women of different social strata claim that envy and jealousy toward other women colours their lives.

● 80 percent of women say they have encountered jealousy in other females since they were in school.

● 90 percent of women in diverse jobs report that competition in the workplace is primarily between women, rather than between women and men.

● More than 65 percent said that they were jealous of their best friend or sister.

Forget about mean girls and focus on you

The truth is, that while the media may add fuel to an already burning fire, the fact that such high percentages of females feel under threat by members of the same sex is the fault of all of us women who are guilty of bitching behind a friend’s back, playing up to our feminine charms in front of a good looking man, or not helping out the new girl at the office.  Women are suspicious of other women who do well in the workplace (how did she get that promotion?), are well turned out (will my partner find her more attractive than me?) and who are confident in their own skin (what does she have that I don’t?). It seems that instead of celebrating the wonder of women, we have become increasingly obsessed with competing against each other to achieve the unachievable.  So what can be done to stop the madness?

Many women compete with others because they feel insecure within themselves, and instead of getting to grips with their own desires, passions and goals, they have resigned themselves to the exhausting task of comparing themselves to others. These women should realise that they cannot control what others think of them, that they can never compete with anyone other than themselves, and that clichéd as it sounds, beauty is only skin deep.  Sometimes people won’t like you because you’re too opinionated/shy/intelligent/chatty.  Sometimes people won’t be attracted to you because you’re a blonde/brunette/redhead.  And sometimes you’ll feel the same.

On a more basic level, if magazines or television programmes which present an unattainable picture of beauty leave a bitter taste, stop reading and watching them.  Or learn to laugh about it and move on; just don’t rise to the bait like all those other jealous women.  Get together with a group of girl friends and have fun.  Go for a walk.  Watch a film.  Take up a new hobby.  Do something just for you.  But most importantly, try not to get too caught up in trying to compete against women who can no more control the outcome of this game than you.

Some people may believe that a bit of healthy competition never did anyone any harm, but in the case of the competitive streak of women, the best advice is simple: concentrate on yourself and the rest will take care of itself.