Hypnotherapy can improve mental health

When you first think of hypnotherapy, images of sinister psychiatrists manipulating their patients to gain control over their minds may occur. Far from its Rasputin-like image, it’s actually a highly useful process that harnesses the power of our subconscious minds for improved mental and physical health.

So What’s Hypnotherapy Then?

Hypnosis comes from the Greek word hypnos, meaning “to sleep,” and is a form of guided relaxation. In a typical hypnotherapy session, your hypnotherapist will begin by addressing your concerns and asking what exactly you’re aiming to improve. Then, you will be asked to sit or lie in a comfortable position and close your eyes. Once you are completely relaxed, you will be guided through various scenarios using intense concentration to achieve a heightened state of awareness, or trance. The reason this works is because when the mind is in a deeply relaxed state, its responsiveness to ideas is significantly heightened. Our waking conscious, which is responsible for inhibitions, is dulled and our subconscious is allowed to respond properly.

For example, if you suffer from severe anxiety, the hypnotherapist might ask you to picture yourself in a peaceful garden or on the beach. Then, they will talk about your anxiety and affirm that you no longer suffer from it – you are a relaxed, easy-going individual. You will remain in this state for 45 minutes to one hour until the therapist asks you to slowly return to your waking state. The feeling once you awake is similar to waking up from a pleasant nap; you should feel deeply relaxed and collected.

Why Should I Try Hypnotherapy?

It may all seem quite Freudian at first, the benefits of hypnotherapy mean that it’s worth giving it a try. Many writers, actors and artists commonly use this method to retrain their waking conscious, boost creativity and unblock energy. However, its benefits extend beyond the arts; you can retrain your mind to beat addiction, depression, stress, anger, and it can even be used to aid weight loss. It is a fantastic way to rid yourself of phobias, fears and anxiety.

If you experience any of these common problems, turning to hypnotherapy is a gentle, drug-free method devoid of negative side effects. While a qualified hypnotherapist is your best bet, those on a budget can try downloading free hypnosis sessions which are available online. Be aware that multiple sessions are required in order to see results, but if you stick with it, you will begin to notice yourself becoming a calmer, more adaptable person.

My first experience with hypnotherapy left me giggling throughout the whole session, much to my embarrassment; it seemed too ridiculous to actually work. Fortunately, my therapist was a patient person who encouraged me to try the process again. “If you don’t ‘let yourself go’ and continue to hold on to your waking state, it won’t work. You have to embrace it, even if you think it’s stupid at first,” he said.

I tried it again and allowed myself to ‘let go.’ And it worked. Regular practice has even allowed me to master my state of awareness. For example, if I suddenly feel depressed or anxious, I can stop and control myself. Before hypnotherapy, this would never have been possible. We could all use a little extra dose of zen, so why not give it a try?

Try out a little hypnotherapy on yourself…

So are you really ready to compromise?

As long as we associate with other people in our lives, concessions are always going to crop up. You want to spend a romantic evening ambling along riverbanks and lingering over a candlelit meal but your date fancies a club night because a bunch of their friends will be there. This could be tricky; what do you do short of descending into an argument over how you spend your evening together?

Compromising isn’t something that comes naturally to all of us, but it’s an important life skill to master. It takes practice and involves assertion, listening skills and respect amongst other attributes, but can be the difference between bowling through life on the scratchy defensive or exercising harmoniousness. Because we’re all for happy mediums when necessary, Running In Heels considers how – and why and when – to compromise…

Avoid Compromise

It isn’t all about how two people – a couple, say – spend their time together; the meeting halfway thing could be relative to political and religious beliefs, finance, food, aesthetics, housework, anything where opinions potentially differ. One of the first rules of compromise is to evaluate how ready you are to shift your stance, and to what degree, and indeed how fastidious (or not) another person is with regard to their own. If you’re concreted in with an opinion that clearly isn’t shared by another, agree to disagree and avoid the matter altogether.

See Another Point of View

The major factor when it comes to compromise is to remember that what you think or want isn’t necessarily what others think or want. Don’t be aggressive or insistent in projecting what you may see as best or most correct, because according to others’ viewpoints, it may well be the complete opposite. Do make an effort to see things from another person’s point of view. This isn’t easy by any means; it requires you to temporarily suppress your own wishes, experiences and opinions while you afford another the space to express theirs. Listen to what you’re being told and appreciate it: this is actually basic respect in action.

Talk About It

Furthermore, respect the other person’s point of view or the needs that they convey. In much the same way you’ll probably feel strongly about your needs or wants, so will they. Not only is it arrogant to belittle another’s standpoint or to baulk at their suggestion, by showing them respect by taking on board what they say (expressions such as, “I see your point,” or, “It’s a good idea…” are good to use in this instance) you’re much more likely to tacitly bring them round to your way of thinking. Just remember though that this isn’t persuasion, coercion or neuro-linguistic programming, however; it’s merely a means to better the chances of agreeing on a halfway house.

Retain Your Integrity

With the pre-emptive rules covered, let’s move onto compromise in full swing. As with all things in life, there’s a fine line at play, and where compromise is concerned, you may risk over-compromising yourself. Don’t agree to something just to keep the peace; it’s important to retain integrity to avoid being put out, inconvenienced or simply ending up involved in something you dislike. Speak up for yourself but without labouring anything or demonstrating haughtiness; measured and clear is best.

Keep Things Equal

Keep a check on how often you have to compromise. This is especially pertinent within romantic relationships. If you’re constantly grappling with conflicting wishes, something’s not aligning and you need to talk about this. On the other hand, there’s nothing wrong with agreeing to alternate who chooses what you do on dates, for example, or sacrificing the odd want here and there. Just be sure that it’s not too one-sided.

Empower Others

Equally, it’s important you encourage the other person to speak clearly about what they want, especially if you sense they’re not being entirely forthcoming. Invite them to be honest about what they’re thinking or feeling; not only will it afford you a better picture, it offers empowerment to them and agreement is far more likely to be reached quicker and with less blood shed – just remember the respect thing.

Don't sulk if you don't get your way!

Be An Adult

A few basic rules while in the throes of agreeing a compromise: no sulking, no raised voices, no sarcasm, eye rolling or whingeing… Well, at least not from you. Unfortunately, there’s no controlling how another person reacts or behaves, but no matter how screechy or bolshie they might get, resist the temptation to raise the stakes. Instead, if things get heated, suggest you leave the matter alone for a while until everyone’s in a better, more level frame of mind to discuss it.

Prioritise Your Compromise

Some things aren’t actually all that important, other things are critical. Robert Taibbi, writing for Psychology Today, suggests a scoring system to establish importance: “Decide how important, on a scale of 1-10 this issue is – the vacation may be a big deal but the colour of the new living room rug less so.” If something is hugely important to your partner, say, that doesn’t especially stir you, what have you got to lose by going along with it? For example, your boyfriend wants you to accompany him to his friend’s engagement party (you’ve only met this friend once), and although you’ve got nothing planned that evening, you’d rather not. Sometimes we have to do things we’re not fired up about for people we care about. Weigh it up what you’ve got at stake, how other people might be effected, and take it from there.

Be Honest

Once you’ve decided on a compromise, don’t go back on it. If it’s you who’s had to make the bigger concession, do your best not to feel resentful – you won’t enjoy yourself. In the same vein, don’t falsely agree to a compromise; manipulating another by re-impressing your wishes when the time comes to it is plain flaky and devious. If you agree to something, you agree to something, unless there’s a genuine reason for renege. Make the best of whatever it is you’ve decided to do, and try and enjoy it. You may end up experiencing something new that actually really works for you.

Vladimir Putin is still Russia's top dog...

If there is one man who is the embodiment of the old adage that one man’s meat is another man’s poison, it’s Vladimir Putin. The 59-year-old has recently stepped up to the Kremlin’s most powerful role for the third time. Yes, the 63.6% of the vote he gained in March was just under 10% down on his massive 71% majority in 2004, but there’s no doubting that Putin is still Russia’s top dog. For all the allegations of fraud in elections held during March and December, for all the protests that engulfed his election campaign, Putin’s nearest rival, Communist candidate Gennady Zyuganov only racked up 17% of the vote. Indeed, there are very few in Russia or outside it that would claim that Putin wasn’t the outright winner.

That’s not to say that the protests which swept through Russia’s cities are irrelevant. Far from it. These were the biggest demonstrations since the fall of the Soviet Union. People from all walks of life came together, chanting the same slogans (one of which was “Russia without Putin”) and wearing identical white ribbons as a symbol of peaceful dissent. The Russian government would be a fool not to heed thousands of bright, young, vocal and technologically savvy Russians out on the streets.

Ridicule won’t be good enough

Asked for his initial response to the protests back in December, Putin likened their white ribbons to condoms. In the long run however, he will need a more sophisticated strategy to deal with them. The question is, will he clamp down on civil liberties further, or will Russian society get a dose of much needed liberalisation?

The good news for Putin is that he still basks in a vast amount of fervent support. It was no surprise that his rhetoric in the 2012 election campaign reverted to what had propelled him from a virtual nobody into the hearts and minds of Russians back in 1999: patriotism. Back then, Mr Putin was virtually unknown, even within Russia. But with the efficiency he is now known for, he won over the populace with a single, crude sentence. When four apartment blocks were destroyed by Chechnyan terrorist bombs, Mr Putin managed to express all the pent up anger that engulfed Russia: “We will wipe out the terrorists out wherever we find them. If we find them sitting on the toilet, then that’s where we will do it.”

Putin the heartthrob

His popularity skyrocketed. He gained respect among men, and women went crazy for him – stories of women swooning and admitting to erotic dreams about him abounded in magazines. Mr Putin quickly established himself as a no-nonsense leader whose acerbic man-of-the-people remarks and unconcealed nostalgia for the Soviet Union – he once called its collapse “the greatest geopolitical catastrophe” of the 20th Century – reflected the mood among great swathes of the population. He even restored the much-loved Soviet anthem, albeit with new lyrics.

Many Russians wanted and still want their country to regain its superpower status. Moreover, passion for Putin is also often a factor of virulent hatred of Yeltsin. Where the West tends to see Boris Yeltsin as the man who overturned the Soviet Union, who forced in a new era of democracy and freedom, to many Russians he is the man who turned their lives upside down, plummeting them into destitution when the collapse of a state triggered turmoil and chaos.

Economic stability, then, is not to be sniffed at. And neither is the man that made it happen.

Order, stability and growth

Putin steadied the economy and came to represent order, striking a chord with those hit by the chaos of the ‘90s. He presided over steady economic growth, growing investor confidence and rising living standards, cementing his popularity among those who’d lost everything. He reined in the oligarchs, lowering taxes to a fixed rate of 13%, but making it clear that tax evasion would no longer be tolerated.

No doubt a good understanding of finance went a long way in shaping Mr Putin’s shrewd economic decisions. A working-class boy, Mr Putin managed to gain PhD in Economics from Leningrad University. He then joined the KGB where he would work for 15 years, eventually becoming the top man in 1998. He spent five years in East Germany, mostly recruiting KGB agents, and speaks fluent German. He married his wife, Liudmila, in 1983.They now have two daughters. The family is Russian Orthodox Christian.

Corruption and control

Yet for all his economic competence, he failed to diversify the economy away from oil and gas or to reduce Russia’s endemic corruption. He gradually eased liberals out of government, often replacing them with more hardline allies or neutrals seen as little more than yes-men.

Chechnya – an ongoing issue

Putin’s first two premierships were also consumed by military campaigns in Chechnya , which earned him recognition and praise at home. They came at a high price, however. Russia was subjected to a number of Chechnyan terror attacks. At Moscow’s Dubrovka Theatre 130 people died; then over 334 people were killed, including 186 children during the Beslan school crisis. Despite this, many Russians felt that Putin’s hard-line stance was healing the hurts and humiliations they suffered under Yeltsin.

Putin makes no bones about his policy in Chechnya – on the one hand air and artillery strikes caused huge “collateral damage” among Chechen civilians, on the other he attempted to rebuild areas of Chechnya that submit to Russian control. If this is a carrot and stick strategy, the West tends to see the stick. But rebuilding something you destroyed isn’t exactly a fair carrot.

Putin makes no bones about his policy in Chechnya; if this is a carrot and stick strategy, leaders in the West tend to see the stick.

The Beslan siege is seen by many to have ushered in increasingly authoritarian policies. Regional governors were now chosen by Moscow instead of being elected, Putin’s Party United Russia became increasingly dominant, the FSB became ever more powerful, and several high profile journalists including Anna Politkovskaya, were murdered. Despite “consistently high public approval rating” (outside OSCE observers noted), Putin’s rule was deemed to discourage democratic debate and “genuine pluralism”.

A strong man for a strong Russia

Putin is the man who stands up for Russia, and he’s not afraid to show it, be it in political showdowns or in his own macho, don’t-mess-with-me image. His black belt in judo is legendary, he has piloted a fighter jet, hunted whales, and rides horses.

For many, the turbulent history of this nascent country means that Putin is a natural choice. As such, while it’s tempting to think, from our Western parapets, that the reason for Putin’s enduring popularity lies in his manipulation of his message and image thanks to almost ubiquitous state control of the media, it’s also not accurate.

Engagement may become a necessity

That’s not to say that the tight media control in Russia isn’t worrying. It’s another symptom of a ruling tactic which has traditionally preferred to nip true debate and democracy in the bud rather than engaging. But with internet penetration growing and almost no firewall in Russia at present, engagement may well become less of a choice and more of a necessity.

There have been some promising signs. Mr Putin has recognised that as well as the protesters on the streets, his hegemony is also being challenged by a growing number of organised political movements.

New political parties

At the beginning of April, Russia’s upper house approved a bill to make registering a political party easier. Critics say this is a scheme to appease protesters and blunt opposition, and that the Kremlin hopes a proliferation of small parties and will ensure no serious challenge emerges. But if it’s not a straightforward step in the right direction, at least it’s not a step backwards.

The biggest problem with Putin’s determinedly populist stance is that it flies in the face of assurances made by Russian diplomats that, once head of state, Putin will be open to dialogue with foreign powers. Putin’s choices over his attitude to the West and to the rest of the world will be a defining element of his presidency.

A fair weather friend

Through Putin’s first two terms as president, his foreign policy became increasingly assertive and critical. Military spending shot up. On the one hand, Putin improved relations with the US by phoning President Bush to offer his personal condolences following 9/11, but at home his speeches suggested an aversion of US dominance on the world stage. He remains comfortably conscious of Europe’s ongoing dependence on Russian gas, building up good relations with many European leaders.

And yet, Mr Putin’s Kremlin was accused of abusing its huge energy clout, punishing fellow ex-Soviet states like Ukraine by cutting off gas supplies and hiking prices when they leant towards the West. Putin’s is something of a fair weather friend to the rest of the world. A great ally so long as your goals match up. He’s happy to cosy up, as long as he gets his way.

What now?

It did seem that, as the reality that control is simply easier sunk in, Putin lost or abandoned the drive for change that marked his early successes in power. But while he might have lost the desire for progress, Russians, increasingly, haven’t. Protests have died down for the time being. But the realisation that actually coming together in such numbers in a country known for its tough stance against protesters is even possible won’t fade any time soon.

Maybe the protests will prove to be a kind of political kick up the bum that will spur Putin on to the right kind of reform. Maybe Putin will continue to free up the political landscape as the bill on political parties has done already. Maybe we’ll see a reinvigorated Russia, led by a refreshed Putin. It’s a big maybe.

Maybe the people's protests will prove to be a kind of political kick up the bum that will spur Putin on to the right kind of reform....

Grazia on Rihanna and domestic violence

Since it burst onto the interwebs in January, the Vagenda blog has proved an almost overnight hit with its sharp, witty critique of media for women. Likening the content of the usual suspects on a hitlist of glossy mags as ‘a large hadron collider of bullshit,’ the two founding editors determined that Something Had To Be Done. The result? A blog that has become a daily must-click for a generation of women bored with the bland, trite and quite honestly tedious(not to mention sexist) features that we find in the magazines created for ABC1 readers looking for something to peruse during their lunch break.

There’s a feminist slant to the blog, but reading the Vagenda doesn’t feel like having your slightly militant feminist friend yaddering on about women’s rights when really you’d rather be drinking rosé and having a discussion about politics AND shoes AND art AND whether to get a fringe or not. Well, the Vagenda is the pal that would certainly accompany you in that enterprise. The blog’s posts are insightful, interesting and, in general totally hilarious. You’ll be guffawing at your screen and thinking ‘Damn right!’ as you read Grazia’s Insights Into Domestic Violence or Are Successful Women Scary?

The Vagenda is penned by a small team, and as a proportion of the writers work in media, most have chosen to remain anonymous. That said, Vagenda has already featured in the Sunday Times, the Evening Standard and one of the co-editors even went head-to-head with Cosmo editor Louise Court on the BBC”s Woman’s Hour. In the future, we’d love to see the journalists behind the features Vagenda critiques actually take time to address their detractors. We’ll see.

So with no further ado, we’d like to introduce Holly and Rhiannon, the two fiercely funny ladies who set up Vagenda, ‘a hormonal Private Eye, without the Oxbridge education’. Do follow them on Twitter, they’d definitely swig rosé with you – and tell you why you definitely don’t need to lose weight, improve your blow job technique or get plastic surgery any time soon.

Have you always wanted to be a writer?

Rhiannon: It’s something I’ve always enjoyed. All of us at the Vagenda enjoy doing it in our spare time, and some of us do it as a profession, too. But unfortunately being a journalist doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to be a good writer. I guess the Vagenda was something of an outlet for that.

Holly: The short answer is yes – it’s the longest term ambition I’ve ever had. Blogging is the best kind of writing for our lives at the moment, because it’s a short, rapid response to the media that you can fit around a busy lifestyle!

Why did you set up The Vagenda?

R: Us editors we sitting on the floor in our old, condemned attic flat reading aloud from women’s mags. We were both in stitches. We just thought, “this is utter crap.” We’re also strident feminists and felt there needed to be a new approach to this that was accessible- we believe that you’re more likely to get through to people if you’ve got some good gags up your sleeve.

H: We didn’t see what we wanted to see, as normal twenty-something women, from the media aimed at our own demographic. And apparently, neither did thousands of others!

What’s the blog all about?

H: We do like to think of ourselves as a female Private Eye, although maybe that’s a bit ambitious! A media watchdog is definitely how we’d describe ourselves – although one with a different slant to our predecessors. We also see ourselves as a straight-up source of comedy, using women’s lifestyle mags as our inspiration. The fact that it can be seen as a comedy blog, rather than straight-up feminist commentary, seems to have widened our appeal.

R:It’s sort of a media watchdog, if you will. We monitor women’s mags and highlight the good, the bad and the ugly in terms of women’s issues. Unfortunately it’s mostly the last two categories. But the blog is 95% piss-taking, 5% hard-hitting, which is what has made it so popular, I think.

Just in case you were wondering... Phew!

Who writes for the blog?

H: An ever-growing community of women and men who have some great ideas and some shitty magazines. Rhiannon and I edit the content and produce as much of it as we can.

R: Initially there were ten of us, all of whom went to uni together. Now there are loads more because we’re getting sent pitches all the time from people all over the world, some of whom are journos wanting to stay anonymous because they’re keen to bring the system down from the inside!

How do you feel about women’s magazines?

R: We think they’re funny. They don’t really speak to us. If the Sun newspaper is a builder catcalling you in the street, a women’s mag is your snide best friend who isn’t really your friend at all, telling you you’re fat and a crap shag to boot.

H: There’s just not enough content out there that’s representative of women’s lives or concerns. Women’s magazines are stagnating and sometimes even going backwards in terms of feminism, so we’re hoping to point that out before the entire media gets on board with it. Unfortunately, the magazines that we attack now used to be boundary-pushing at their genesis.

What would you like to see from women’s magazines?

R: More general content. We do dig politics and philosophy and books, too, you know. Less of a body focus too, because the majority of us aren’t thinking about our cellulite on any given Sunday, we’re getting drunk and dancing to Cyndi Lauper.

H: The end of Photoshopping would be the best thing that could happen in that industry, alongside the snide best friend becoming a lot less of a devil on your shoulder waiting gleefully for you to have a breakdown.

What about men’s magazines?

What, you mean like Nuts and Zoo?

H: The seedier ones are obviously just the Rosencrantz to Cosmopolitan‘s Guildenstern. But before we turn our attention to those, it’s more important to target what’s being said directly to women, often by women.

R: They’re pretty funny. Those interviews with glamour models crack me up. It’s always stuff like, “how does it feel to have boobs?” I would ask them, “how does it feel to be a bellend?” Insofar as Private Eye is a “men’s magazine”, obviously I think it’s GREAT.

How did you get to where you are today and would you do anything differently?

R: It feels weird to think that we’ve got anywhere. The Vagenda is like an unplanned pregnancy. We’ve created this thing which exists in the world, and now we have to make sure it doesn’t die. It’s scary. But I guess supportive parents is the main reason we’ve done so well so far. Both Holly and I had single mums, and they have been great (as have our dads) Also just being in the right place at the right time i.e. our crap flat where the baby was conceived. I wouldn’t change a thing.

H: We built the Vagenda out of circumstances that many would describe as completely bizarre – mice, a windowless garret with a weed-smoking actor in the next room, and the dole queue inevitably after graduating from university. Unplanned pregnancy is right on the money, and we’re at the point now where we’ve birthed the concept, it needs loads of attention, and we’re still stumbling along and working out how best to deal with it all!

Who helped you along the way?

R: We all helped each other – that’s what’s great about having a collective voice. Our parents have been full of good advice too.

H: As Rhiannon said, we have a very supportive community of excellent women (and a couple of men) around us, which has been brilliant.

Who inspires you?

H: Our mums have to be number one. My mum did an entire degree in evening classes when I was a toddler, as a single mother with no childcare and a full-time job. Every time I think I’m getting snowed under by my own career, I think of that.

Vagenda's weekly Retro Feminist Cartoon

The world is full of incredibly inspirational figures, and it’s testament to how crappy women’s magazines are that we rarely hear of them. There wasn’t a whisper of Marie Colvin in any mainstream female lifestyle media until she died – so I think it’s fair to say that we need to be able to ask this question in generations to come, and young women won’t have to scrape the barrel for anyone who’s actually aligned with their principles or perspectives.

R: Our Mums. Great female journalists who don’t buy into all that “lingerie can change your life” crap. Equally bad women’s mags inspire us in terms of our writing. We’re hoping that one day we can embarrass them into compliance.

What do you think is the biggest problem in British society today and what is the most positive thing?

H: I think the biggest problem is the division that has been reintroduced by government cuts – women versus men, poor moving further from the rich, North versus South. It’s a cliche but at least it’s a good one that we’re stronger when we’re united. That’s why the Vagenda takes a very inclusive stance to feminism and our readership – divisiveness has never got us anywhere positive, or anywhere fast.

R: I’d say the most positive thing is the internet. It’s giving people a voice. It’s giving them power. It’s become a real tool for social change.

H: I agree that the internet – in particular, the rise of social media – is an incredibly positive force nowadays. Just look at Kony 2012 and its incredible success, which would never have happened before people could share things at the click of a button in real time. Of course it’s necessary to remind people sometimes that they should exercise responsibility with this new-found power!

R: I’d say the biggest problem is latent conservatism. People don’t seem to give a crap about those who are suffering anymore. They’re just cutting everything. It’s a fundamentally selfish political stance to have.

Do you feel British or European?

H: Depends on the time of day and the state of the weather! Britain has a unique culture, and I’d have to say in all honesty that even though I’d love to feel European, I don’t feel entirely aligned with mainland Europe. However, the influence of European languages and culture upon us are such a positive force, and I like the way that differentiates us from other English-speaking countries like the US and Australia.

R: British. But I speak two European languages and have lived in both those countries, and I love Europe. But I think we as an Island nation have some peculiarities which certainly don’t translate on the continent.

How do you feel about feminism today?

R: Hopeful. You have to be or you’d just lie inside crying all the time. I think it’s become a dirty word, certainly, but we’re slowly reclaiming it (with no help from Cosmo)

H:I feel disappointed that people twice my age tell me they see us stagnating, but positive about a future where we seem to have reignited our mojo a bit.

Who are you listening to at the moment?

H: The temptation to answer ‘Anyone but The Man!’ is really tugging at me. But in the serious sense: Andrew Bird, Hiatus and Shura, and Natalie Merchant.

R: My mum has moved house and has offloaded all her stuff to me so at the moment I’m going through all her vinyl. She has all the Beatles albums.

What couldn’t you live without?

R: Friends and family.

H: Salted popcorn, the food of kings.

"Next to ‘BODY NEWS’ which pretends to examine the psychology of not loving your body enough is an advert for plastic surgery"

Dream purchase?

H: A round-the-world ticket, all expenses paid!

R: Probably a flat. Ain’t no chance I’m getting on the London property ladder anytime soon. Saying that, Europeans rent happily throughout their lives so in that respect I’m not really arsed.

Favourite movie?

R: Casablanca.

H: I’ll have Tarkovsky’s Stalker as my hella pretentious one, and Bridesmaids as the funniest thing made last year. Bridesmaids definitely made me rethink whether all ‘chick flicks’ are bad news.

Favourite European city and why?

H: St Petersburg. Why not?

R: Paris, because of my misspent youth. But I can’t go back because I’ll bump into an ex for sure.

How do you stay motivated?

R: I don’t. If I lose motivation, I’ll just take a break and have a snooze. You can’t force things sometimes.

H: It’s a carefully cultivated combination of junk food and feeling that the Vagenda is something bigger than us now – it’s a concept that people love, and it’s our responsibility to keep it going because it’s such a good thing. You can’t do work that you don’t believe in.

Desert island book?

H: One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, or White Teeth by Zadie Smith. Marquez was the master of his time, and Smith is the master of ours.

R: I have reread The Blind Assassin by Margaret Attwood more times than I can remember.

Favourite bar?

R: A micro-brewery in Milan called Birrificcio Lambrate. They make 10% ale and play the Smiths if you ask nicely. I spent every weekend in there for a year. It was a home from home. I knew everyone in the place.

H: Cafe 1001 off Brick Lane still gets my vote, five years after I first went there. Best place to get lunch and stay until midnight.

Where do you see yourselves in five years?

H: I don’t think further ahead than a fortnight, or I get vertigo.

R: Working from home, hopefully. I’m lazy, and generally loathe office environments.

Can you run in heels?

R: I’d prefer not to, but if a man’s chasing you down a dark street, what choice do you have?

H: Of course. How else am I going to catch up with the patriarchy?

The Vagenda: you'll be guffawing at your computer screen and thinking 'Damn right!' as you read the blog's fiercely funny posts...

Are you battling that to-do list again?

It’s a commonly held misconception that life is hard. That it’s a struggle, a war, and that, even in the comfort of relatively peaceful first-world countries, we still have to do daily battle – with a never-ending to-do list, demands from family, friends and colleagues, the pressure to keep up with fashion, the news, the Joneses…

But I don’t buy all that. Sure, life has its challenges. They range from the everyday, like finding and keeping a job and maintain good relationships, to the exceptionally hard times when we encounter death, heartbreak, serious illness, depression… Luckily, these kinds of major problems are infrequent for most of us. What’s more, when the serious problems do come along, we have a tendency to rise to the challenge – we activate our support network, we shore ourselves up, and become acutely aware of the need to be kind to ourselves and stay strong.

Nice and easy does it every time

In my experience, it’s not the “big stuff” that floors people, but the accumulation of lots of “small stuff”. When people talk about what regularly exhausts them and causes them stress, more often that not it’s the regular hassles, the daily grind, a lack of time, the constant feeling of frazzled and overstretched. Yet, most of these sources of stress are self-induced. Household clutter is an issue for many people – yet what’s to stop them clearing it away? The pre-work rush gets lots of us off to a bad start but the quality of our morning routine is entirely in our own hands.

Acquiring a few simple and healthy organisational habits can make such a difference and help you live a more easeful life. After all, when you rush from place to place, lurching from crisis to crisis, are you running your life or is your life running you – into the ground? I get frazzled at times, just like everyone, but I do try to stick to a few great strategies for making life just a little easier and therefore more pleasant for myself and everyone around me.

If it will only take two minutes, do it straight away

You get home from work and change your clothes, remove your jewellery, etc. It takes almost as long to throw everything on your dressing table as it does to put them in the wash basket, hang them up and put your earrings into your jewellery box. The difference: a clear bedroom, your favourite gold hoops don’t eventually get lost, and, when you have friends for dinner that week, the pre-visit clearing up is reduced, which in turn means you don’t have to rush home from work, frantically stuffing piles of clothes under the bed and swearing as you step barefoot on the aforementioned lost earrings!

Leave more than enough time between meetings and appointments

You need to make a doctor’s appointment. The receptionist suggests 6pm on Tuesday. You’ve got a meeting until 5.30pm and you want to get to your tango class at 8pm. The doctor’s office and the dance school are about 45 minutes apart. Sounds doable, but before accepting the appointment, think about the possibilities for that day. Your meeting ends at 5.45pm instead of 5.30pm. You don’t even have time to tidy your desk before rushing out the door to the doctor. She’s running late and you don’t get to see her before 6.45pm. The doctor has a test she wants you to undergo, she calls the clinic to make the appointment while you’re there…the clock is ticking. You leave her at 7.15pm, run to the station, catch a train in the nick of time and arrive at your class just as the warm-up is beginning. You’re already hot and frazzled, you haven’t had time to change your shoes, and you go straight into the class without even having time to say hi to a few of the other regulars (which was the reason you joined in the first place – to make new friends). What part of all of that did you actually enjoy, let along savour? And, seriously – why on earth would you do that to yourself?

Pack your bag the night before

It takes three minutes to make sure your handbag is ready for the next day before turning in for the night (even better – do it as soon as you get home, before you sit down to relax). Run through your day in your mind and imagine what you’ll need as you leave the house, see a client, walk to the tube, call a taxi, stop by the shops. Keys, purse, phone (does it need charging? plug it in now!), train pass, lip balm, period is due – shove a couple of tampons in the side pocket, meeting first thing – do I have a few business cards in my wallet?, take that letter to post, grab a reusable shopping bag… It’s one thing you won’t have to do the next day before the coffee has truly kicked in and you’re firing on all cylinders.

Try to oganise emails as they arrive

Delete or file emails as you read and reply

My email inbox is basically my online to-do list. Everyday, I go through the new emails, read and file things that are just for information, delete the junk and am left with, say ten, that actually require action. I fire off responses to the ones I can (glorious quick wins) and then file them. The inbox is now halved. As long as an email remains in my inbox I know I haven’t finished dealing with it, and the fact that it’s not lost among 50 emails that I have dealt with means that I won’t forget to do so.

Let the phone go to voicemail

Ok. Minor rant now. Why, oh why, do people answer the phone only to say “Sorry, I’m in a meeting/having lunch with a friend/in a museum. Can I call you back?” Firstly, it’s rude to the person they’re actually with. Secondly, it ruins their concentration and ability to be in the here and now. Thirdly, they almost always forget to call that person back because how often do you immediately write “Call Sandra back” on your to-do list? What is so wrong with letting calls go to voicemail when it’s an inconvenient time to talk? The voicemail reminders ensure you won’t forget to return the call, and your etiquette karma is intact.

Feel ready to shrink your friends list?

Sometimes Facebook can feel like a popularity contest, with many of us befriending as many people as possible, no matter how fleeting the preceding face-to-face contact may have been. In some cases, we even friend request people we haven’t met – if there’s a mutual friend involved then this is by all means acceptable under the unwritten rules of social networking etiquette.

Facebook is all about staying connected and ‘socialising’ with other people. It’s a nifty little window into our friends’ lives, letting us know who is dating who, where people have been jet setting off to and what nuisances have come their way on a daily basis. And of course, there are the photos to sift through, quenching our insatiable sense of curiosity.

But let’s face it; you’re not really friends with all of your connections on Facebook. A large number of these so-called friends are, by all accounts, mere acquaintances. We’re referring to that guy you said a quick ‘hello’ to at that party last weekend or your two-week friendship with that brunette in St Tropez who shared your love of Chocolate Martinis.

How many of your Facebook friends are people you text, call or meet up with often? Unless you are a serial social butterfly, then chances are, this list will be significantly smaller. So this begs the question – why bother having so many connections on Facebook in the first place? Surely, we want to know what’s happening in the lives of the people we care about. And do we really want some random acquaintance knowing everything about us and sharing in our most personal moments?

Thanks to Mark Zuckerberg and a string of other social platforms, it’s now the norm to share all kinds of stuff online, whether it’s a picture, video or a 140-character tweet. Even our day-to-day whereabouts are pinned onto virtual maps. Last September, Twitter reported that it had 100 million active users per month, and social-site-of-the-moment Pinterest now has over ten million registered users. It appears that we’re a sociable bunch when it comes to the web; obsessed with growing our number of online friends, followers and likes.

Apparently, the average number of friends we have on Facebook stands at around 120 and there are, on average, 3.74 degrees of separation between any one Facebook user and another. But how many times do you log in to Facebook to meet with a news feed peppered with irrelevant updates from people that, quite frankly, you’re not interested in?

The Facebook friend purge is the solution to creating a timeline that’s filled with content you actually want to read. Admittedly, the idea of de-friending someone can feel a bit like a social taboo, but if the website Facebook Purge is anything to go by, thousands have already done the deed and cleaned up their profiles. Although Facebook has revolutionised the way we interact with one another, purging our profile of people who don’t play any genuine role in our lives (out with the social networking bubble) sounds like a revolutionary step in itself.

But if trawling through your friend list to remove connections doesn’t appeal, just look out for a name you don’t recognise popping up on your Facebook feed – then take the plunge and de-friend them. The first one is always the hardest, but culling your friend list does get easier. And each time you do it, there’s one less person to clog up your profile, freeing up your news feed for someone else. And that’s surely what Facebook is all about – connecting with people who truly matter and who you would happily spend time with in the real world, as well as online

2011: Protests over public sector cuts

Images of women dominated the media coverage of industrial action across the UK last November, when millions of public sector workers walked off the job amid proposed pension reforms. This was no coincidence, as it is largely women who populate jobs reliant on government funding such as teaching, nursing and social work. They also tend to be some of the most under-valued, under-paid and least respected professions to work in, despite the important role they play.

So what is it about these types of roles that attracts women more so than men? It certainly isn’t pay or accolades; are women really that much more altruistic than men?

Like most debates about equality, the discussion inevitably becomes one of inherent differences between the sexes; whether there are in fact fundamental traits that define the masculine and the feminine. We could argue that women are naturally drawn to roles that speak to their desire to nurture, and while this has negative connotations among some feminist camps this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. One of the greatest female strengths is our ability to empathise with others, yet this is so often seen as a sign of weakness.

Interestingly, traditionally male-dominated industries such as banking and finance, politics and the corporate sphere more generally, are not only extremely well-paid industries but also tend to be places where aggression and ruthlessness are highly-valued personality traits. These are sectors where empathy, compassion and understanding are seen as counter to growth and productivity. Women in these industries often say they feel it necessary to hide the ‘weaker’ aspects of their personality in order to succeed; in fact, this is cited as one of the biggest deterrents for women looking to enter into or progress within these industries. It is a rare woman who manages to get to the top of any male-dominated profession without adopting this persona.

Within public sector professions, it is often the case male workers progress up the career ladder much faster than their female co-workers. London-based social worker Kate*, says that male social workers tend to progress into management roles much faster than their female counterparts. “Most management positions tend to be taken by men, who move up the ladder much easier than women seem to. Women in social work will stay at entry level their entire career, and it’s not because they don’t want to progress,” Kate said.

That is certainly not to say that women are incapable of aggression or that men lack compassion but the correlation between these traits, the workplace and gender are undeniable. And in truth, it matters less whether men and women truly do have inherent personality traits that propel them down certain career paths, but more importantly – how we go about removing the preconceptions we attach to those traits.

So where to from here? The first step would be to ask ourselves why it is we value the role of CEO above that of teacher, investment banker above social worker, and almost everything above mother as if these positions were somehow inferior. When we look closely, it is less about the job itself or the person occupying the role, and more about our own gender-bias.

For a long time, the only roles women were allowed to fulfil were those of wife and mother. Later this became secretary, teacher or nurse and in the end it all comes back to the value we attach to the roles women play. We were given what society deemed less important, gender-appropriate jobs that wouldn’t make anyone uncomfortable or threaten the male-dominated work space and the attitudes forged then are haunting us now.

Are 'women's' professions undervalued?

In the meantime of course women have broken down all sorts of barriers to inclusion. We are CEOs, business owners, airline pilots, frontline soldiers. We also choose to be mothers, social workers, teachers, and all those other ‘gender’ appropriate positions – not because we have to but because we want to. Yet, despite all the progress women – and indeed men – have made in breaking down gender stereotypes we are still mired down in the deeply ingrained bias that clings to the ‘fairer’ sex.

As a result these positions are grossly underpaid, underfunded and consistently devalued when in reality few people work harder for less than teachers, nurses and social workers. They put in long, often stressful hours simply for the love of what they do – dealing with situations most of us can’t even bring ourselves to think about. These roles in fact require a level of perseverance and strength that women are rarely credited with.

“Our profession is a hidden profession. People don’t really think about what we do every day they just want to know that it gets taken care of somehow. It’s usually these same people who are quick to vilify us when something goes wrong,” Kate said. “I really believe that people don’t want to hear about what I do or see each day.”

I wonder how many CEOs would do what they do on a teacher’s wage and how many bankers would show the same level passion or dedication to their job if they received as little respect.

Margaret Thatcher: feminist politician?

I like to believe there was once a time when politics actually meant something. During this time – most likely before television and Facebook and the vox pop –political life was about inspiring people to strive for a better way of living through a dignified, respectful approach to public policy and legislative change. Back then (whenever this was), politicians were relatable and reliable and lead by example; a politics more concerned with what was right that what was popular.

Nowadays, politics has become an exercise in public relations – all image and no substance. This is never more noticeable than during times of crisis and thanks to the global recession we have seen the worst possible type of politics played out for us every day – like a bad soap opera you just can’t seem to turn off. The squabbling, the mudslinging, the name calling, the tantrums, the baby kissing, the corruption – it’s all very entertaining but as a result leaves us utterly without respect for the people in charge.

Of course there have been a few rare exceptions; perhaps the most notable in my mind was a mid-to-late 20^th century politics of deregulation, privatisation and staunch practicality known as ‘Thatcherism’. Largely accepted as a success, Thatcherism was able to reinvigorate the British economy of the late 1970s, avoiding what could have been the complete financial collapse of the British economic system. Due to its philosophy of financial austerity, short-term sacrifice for long-term gain and individual responsibility it wasn’t always a popular political platform, and as a result nor was its namesake. Yet popularity was never a priority for Margaret Thatcher; she was motivated by an unwavering and uncompromising conviction that the same principles she used at home keeping the domestic budget afloat would be as successful applied to the national economy, and she was right.

At times deeply vilified for refusing to yield to demands she ease her strict policy measures, there is little question she helped steer Britain away from an economics of dependency to one of practical self-reliance. She lived this philosophy in and out of Downing Street, applying the same austere practicality to her own finances as she did to Britain’s – quite the opposite of the economics of state-supported indulgence and corruption that so derailed Greece.

“My policies are based not on some economics theory, but on things I and millions like me were brought up with: an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay; live within your means; put by a nest egg for a rainy day; pay your bills on time; support the police.”

Perhaps the most unsung of feminists, Thatcher’s belief in financial independence as the key to true freedom inspired many women. My favourite quote of hers comes from an interview with Time magazine in 1979, “There can be no liberty unless there is economic liberty.” I believe this can be applied as much to women’s emancipation as it was to Britain’s economic independence.

Maybe it is that her practicality that appeals to me, as a self-confessed realist. Certainly I have surprised myself with how much I have related to her right wing politics. Of course, Thatcher abhorred extremism and her policies were less to do with far right Conservative moralising about the personal choices of others and more to do with encouraging individuals to reclaim control.

Likewise, Thatcher’s strength and at times severity ran contrary to the weak-willed flighty female stereotype and lead to her soubriquet, the Iron Lady. As Thatcher once said when addressing a women’s trade union in 1965, “In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.”

In the end, people just want to be inspired, and unfortunately I see little that is inspirational in politics today. If they truly want to lead, give us something to follow.

Footage from Margaret Thatcher’s last speech to the Commons in 1990

Can you stay positive no matter what?

Faced with difficult circumstances, you can choose to struggle and wilt or make the most of where you find yourself and bloom, right there where you’re planted.

I recently found myself at a party making small talk with a woman who had just moved to Germany. Following her husband who’d found a job there, she’d upped sticks and crossed the Atlantic, leaving a high-powered career, her family and her friends – without a word of German in her vocabulary. As we got acquainted, the woman whom we’ll call Anna revealed that her home is tiny and cramped compared to the one she left in Canada, money is tight, and she’s having a lot of trouble finding a job in her field of expertise.

Curiously, Anna told me all this without an ounce of self-pity or a hint of complaint; she really was just sharing her circumstances with me. It sounded like Anna wasn’t exactly having an easy time of it, yet she was upbeat, cheerful and optimistic. I asked her how she stayed so positive in the face of changed and challenging circumstances. Her four-word answer is the wisdom I’d like to share this month. She said: “Bloom where you’re planted”.

Accept and Be Free

The expression instantly struck a chord for me. How often do we rail and struggle against life and the things it throws at us. Sometimes we fight against the little things – I want to wear my new red top today, but it’s clearly to cold for its filmy fabric. I wear it anyway and am freezing and grumpy all day. Often it’s at work – a friendly “How are you?” to a colleague is met with “I just so don’t want to be here today”. Anna was going through some big things – living in a city she didn’t really choose and having to find a job when she never wanted to give up her old one, yet she was determined to make the best of where she was and what was on offer.

See with Bette Davis’ Eyes

Anna’s words reminded me of a line I’ve often heard attributed to silver-screen icon Bette Davis: “If Hollywood didn’t work out, I was prepared to be the best secretary in the world”. Davis decided that whatever she did in life, she would do it 100% and be the best. She happened to be incredibly talented (though that doesn’t always mean much in Hollywood), and she bloomed in her chosen profession. However, she had the good sense to know that, had the fickle film world rejected her, she would have planted herself elsewhere and bloomed there instead.

Be Here Now

Facing a very heavy day at work recently, with back-to-back meetings and presentations, Anna’s words came back to me. I couldn’t do anything about my schedule, I had to be there and do the work. While I would have preferred to be lying on a beach drinking Mai Tais, that wasn’t the particular type of sandy soil I was planted in today. So, I decided to bloom in the clay-rich earth I was in and fully engage with my day, making the most of what it was offering me. Unsurprisingly, as I sat up and tried to propose ideas in meetings instead of letting my attention wander and wishing I were somewhere else, the time went by more quickly and I was even complimented by a colleague on my contributions.

Anna’s maxim, “Bloom where you’re planted” reminded me that, when circumstances are out of our control, we still have the power to choose how we approach them. In doing so, we gain control of how we feel about our situation and, ultimately, control our happiness. Today I want to go for a long walk, but it’s raining. What will make me happier? Being grouchy about the rain or accepting it and taking the opportunity to stay in, clear out the hallway cupboard, read a great book and watch a film?

Anna found herself in a completely new set of circumstances, but instead of moping about her lack of job, she was taking German classes. Instead of being miserable about the state of her finances, she was going out a little less and taking the opportunity to improve her cooking skills at home. Instead of fighting the place she was planted, losing the battle, and becoming bitter and sad in the process, Anna had decided to bloom right there where she was planted.

Would you thrive in any kind of soil?

Heavy-hearted Heather or Awesome Azalea?

I guess it all comes down to making a choice about whether you’re someone who needs everything to be just right to be happy or if you want to be happy more often than that and have some modicum of resilience. I once tried to grow heather in my garden. It’s trickier than you might think. The purple haze that springs up willy nilly all over Scotland actually requires a specific type of soil to grow happily. So, it they looks marvellous over the hills and dales, it sulked like a depressed teenager in my garden. My azaleas, on the other hand, have been dug up several times over the last few years, moved around, planted both in pots and in the ground, and yet they continue to produce a lovely crop of flowers several times a year.

The Choice is Yours

It’s the azaleas of this world that will get the most out of life. Whether they have Alan Titchmarsh handling them or a clumsy beginner, they’ll do their best wherever they are planted and find a way to shine. The heathers, on the other hand, will spend a lot of time hating their circumstances and wilting. So, when we find ourselves faced with tasks we don’t want to do, circumstances that are less than ideal, and surroundings that we didn’t choose, the question we all have to ask ourselves is: do I want to be a heather or an azalea? Do I want to wilt in adversity, or do I want bloom no matter where I’m planted?

What does cheating really mean today?

As little as five years ago, cheating was clearly defined. From a drunken fumble to an ongoing affair, adultery was committed while both parties were in the same room. Fast forward to 2012 and the cheating line has become far more blurred. From ‘sexting’ to a Facebook chat with someone you’re attracted to, what constitutes cheating has become much harder to define. So where is the line between harmless flirting and infidelity? And more importantly do you and your partner agree where the line is?

The notion of online infidelity, as with so many things today, seems to have started with celebrities. From Tiger Woods to Vernon Kay, more and more celebrities began being caught not so much with their pants down but with their fingertips flying over the keypad. As smartphones got smarter, dirty texts, erotic pictures and furtive late night phone sex became easier than ever to indulge in. And the evidence became a lot harder to conceal.

Even before the concept of online infidelity entered our heads, the definition of cheating has polarised opinion. On a sliding scale from full-blown affair to illicit kiss via the one night stand, we all have different feelings about what would be a deal-breaker. And obviously that opinion can change if it is your relationship at stake.

Infidelity is not as clear cut as a physical act. If someone is actively looking for something outside their relationship that they should be finding within it, alarm bells need to start ringing. Whether it’s conversation, support or sex, it’s not a healthy way to behave. Once you start letting a third person into the aspects of your life that should remain between you and your partner, you’re asking for trouble.

The hardest thing to forgive about virtual cheating must be the premeditated aspect of it. Like conducting an affair, going online to find something different or nurture a connection means you have thought about it, and decided to do it anyway. That must be far more hurtful then a drunken one night stand.

The components of a successful relationship include love, respect and trust. All things that are easy to say but can prove a lot harder to put into practice. Any type of cheating, whether virtual or physical destroys those important ingredients for a happy relationship. Something to think about the next time a handsome man pops into your Facebook chat?