January 26, 2013

The Emo Jean

I am having a crisis. An actual, real life, no holds barred crisis. I was aware that I would freak out when I turned thirty. That’s normal. And although I didn’t think I had been that terrible, when my bezzie told me I had been a bloody nightmare I was forced to see and admit it. Fine. Done. I’ll take it. That’s normal.

What I was not prepared for in any way whatsoever was this. This 32.5 years of age crisis. The one no one tells you about. You are going to have a style crisis. You realise that dressing like a reckless twenty-something is not for you anymore. You feel old in Topshop. You want to go down a floor in Harvey Nichols and up one in Liberty. What, pray tell, does one wear now one is a THIRTY SOMETHING? Like a relationship that has ended, I realise now that the emergings of this break-up started a while back, and have recently snowballed into this crescendo of living hell. The 32.5 years crisis. The one they keep from you.

The perfect jeans from James Jeans; the builders-bum plus thong fashion faux pas; Carrie Bradshaw’s seriously impractical style…

I currently have two primary modes of dress; black skinny jeans or black short skirt {with or without tights depending on the temperature}. I do not think it is appropriate for me to wear either any longer. Black skinny jeans make me look like a hockey-playing teen, and short flippy skirts make me look like the proverbial mutton dressed as younger mutton. Much younger. A Carrie Bradshaw style of ‘In Your Thirties’ dressing, especially in a heel everyday, is not practical for me nor many other ‘real’ women who actually are required to move around and, imagine, actually go to work/on the tube/drive a car. I’m saying this and I am a stylist, I even have a license to wear this stuff.

The full realisation smashed me in the mouth finally as I undertook that most hateful of all errands - buying new jeans. It seems you can either buy leggings with zips, pockets and waistbands, or jeans which are so big at the back you can see my (comfortable, unsexy, big, normal woman) knickers. Yes, I am grateful that I don’t wear a thong as it is the saving grace with this common builders crack with colourful cheesewire image, so at least you cant see my actual flesh but still. Do brands genuinely think as the denim market is so lucrative that fit doesn’t matter any more? And it’s not about the money, neither high street nor designer can deliver this holy grail of fashion - the perfect grown up jean.

I appreciate it depends on several factors to create the ‘perfect’ jean and as it is so particular to YOUR dimensions, it is therefore completely subjective. However, the tall and more boyish-shaped of us do not endure the living hell that some do in dressing their bottom half. I do not speak for my self alone, I know I have allies.

The Jeans Quest…

In Selfridges, the self proclaimed denim haven, I was told that all of the leg lengths are a 32″, maaaaybe 30″ if you’re very lucky. Wow. At 5’2″ I came to terms with the fact I would have to shorten EVERYTHING for my entire life, but recently I got to thinking ‘why?’ I am not exceptionally short, in fact 5’2-5’4 is the average height for women in the UK, so why make everything so long? ‘We offer free alterations’. Perfect. Will you be making them flared, bootcut or tapered for free then, half way up the leg? Ah no, you are just chopping all of the leg styling off. I’ll go for straight cuts then I guess. Fun.

I think this is how it infiltrated our lives, and why it is that the ‘skinny’ became the preferred style for me and so many others. I could chop it myself, at home, to the ankle and it would be the same shape as when uncut. The only real problem here is that without a cover stitch machine, it is not possible to create the same hem as the original one. Home-sewn hems on denim look awful in my opinion, so I opt for the raw edge. Yes, also a little lazy (okay, massively lazy), but as I spend all day dressing other people, there is not much left in reserve to spend that much time addressing myself. Getting the clothes on is often the limit in fact for a 4am call time. However, I am sure this raw edge is attributing to my crisis ~ I am now a 32 year old emo teen.

Denim styles to be avoided at all cost: teenagey emo jeans and - of course - the dreaded and deeply unflattering 1980′s ‘Mum Bum’

The next issue is the fabrics. I want a thick, normal denim, with a little stretch, but the kind of stretch that HOLDS YOU IN. Not this new favoured thin, light, soft excuse for denim which essentially stretches over ones hips rather than forming the spanx-type motion of capture that is required. These ‘jeans’ are leggings styled with jeans type features. I don’t want to wear a legging. I am a 32 year old woman who is average height and has some actual female attributes, such as hips. Like much of the population. I want some bloody dignity.

Another thing, no one wants 80′s ‘mum bum’. Those jeans whereby the designer has obviously just whacked some patch pockets onto the arse because jeans are supposed to have them. Unless they are at the right height compared to the waistband, and angled the right way across the buttocks, they accentuate any sort of shape that a woman may dare to possess and create this horrendous view which makes me rip them from my body and wear skirts for the next month (another sanity and style-threatening issue which I will tackle in the coming weeks.

Destination Jeans

It’s really not about designer versus high street. It’s really not about the money. I recently bought a pair of James Jeans. Skinny not leggingy. Nice rise. Thick but not too thick. Stretch but supportive stretch. Good pocket placement. Length? Well, it was the one concession I had to make so I literally skipped home with the otherwise ultimate prize. After 2 hours of trying on and 200 quid down, I had found the holy grail. ‘My Perfect Jean’.

I got home and put them on. Tried on various shoes to decide on the leg length. I tried on various tops to check how they looked with shirts, tees, layers, Bretons. After 30 minutes? Baggy. Baggy-kneed, loose, pants showing at the back. A totally different jean. A jean for a bigger person.

When I returned them, a mixture of fury and sadness washed over me. The dream was ruined. It was as I was informing the sales assistant of my issues with the poor quality denim and fit they deigned to impart to me the vital information that they negated to the week before. Apparently I should have bought the next size down in order for them to stretch to fit. Ah of course. THE ONES I COULDN’T FUCKING DO UP?

Please can someone make a jean suitable for a woman? Not for a tall woman and not for a hipless woman, as these women currently have their pick. For an average woman. A woman with hips. A woman who sits down. A woman who wears her trousers for longer than 30 minutes. A woman with style.

I always thought that jeans in black were a more grown up, smarter look - but on my body they just look like I haven’t got past 17 years of age. I would love something different to work - an awkward blue a la Bardot, or the rusty colour that Alexa wears so well, those pink jeans that Carrie wears in SATC with the gold boots - but I feel like sausage meat squeezed into its skin. I just want to grow up.

Coloured jeans make for a different off-duty look - as worn by Alexa Chung, Miranda Kerr, Cameron Diaz and Sarah Jessica Parker…

January 21, 2013

Lighten Your Load

Have you made new year’s resolutions?

Happy New Year, readers! A bit late this time in the month but a hearty wish for health and happiness is never de trop. Actually, my first column of 2013 is coming to you late in January on purpose. We’re spoilt for choice in terms of resolutions and self-improvement articles from about mid-December to mid-January every year and, while I’m a big fan of making resolutions and setting goals, I thought I’d opt out this year.

January is a horrible month to make changes in your life, isn’t it? It’s cold out and you’re trying to take up jogging; you’re stomach’s stretched from all the Yuletide excess and you’re trying to eat less; the post-Christmas blues set in and you’re trying to give up your favourite vices. The back-to-school time in September is a much easier time to start any project, in my opinion, but my letters to the UN suggesting we re-think the calendar fall onc deaf ears each year, so I guess we’re stuck with January resolutions.

But hey, here’s an idea, what if this year we made a different kind of resolution? Or rather, what if we framed our resolutions differently? Instead of thinking about “making changes” and “giving things up”, how about simply letting go of things that do not serve your wellbeing?

What Are You Carrying Around?

Let’s take the humble handbag as a nice tangible start. Many of us are guilty of filling to capacity. If you had emptied mine out not so long ago, you’d have found at least three pens, a filofax, my phone, a notepad, lip balm, paracetamol, plasters, tissues, an assortment of hair pins, a novel, a comb, two memory sticks, a few business cards, perhaps a journal, an apple, some post-its… you get the idea. It was like I was trying to prepare for every eventuality in life, make sure I had everything I’d need in all circumstances. One day I got so fed up (and my right shoulder got so sore) that I decided to downsize my handbag – and now I only ever leave the house with the things I’ll really need. The rest – I’ll make do! One pen is fine; leave the journal at home (I never stop in a charming café on my way home to write a few lines); put my appointments into my phone diary… I literally lightened my load.

Shake It Off

Applied to other areas of life, the benefits of lightening your load are myriad. Why not stop expecting yourself to behave perfectly all the time? What would happen if you took that weight off your shoulders? Or what about not always obliging yourself to answer your phone or reply to texts the minute you get them? What if, every so often, you let yourself off the hook? As well as getting rid of self-imposed expectations, we can all do with letting go of some other, heavier, mental baggage. Like perpetual pessimism; the long-held and unjustified belief that we are not good enough; the conviction that we’re not great at sports; fear of commitment…

Eliminate The Negative

Whether it’s by travelling light, or working to shed a few psychological kilos (yep, living in France, I’ve gone full metric), we can all lighten our load a bit, without dropping balls or becoming irresponsible or unreliable. As we enter 2013, why not think about imposing less on yourself rather than more? I’m not saying don’t give up smoking or take up exercise, of course. But do think about framing them in such a way that you’re more aware of the ways in which you are freeing yourself up than the things you are giving up.

Barbara Fredrickson discusses how positive emotions broaden our awareness of the world

January 14, 2013

Point of View

The Rules authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

Rules girls Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

Rarely has there been a dating manual that has divided opinion quite like The Rules. First published in the 1990′s, Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider’s dating manual promised to teach singletons “the time-tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr Right”. In case you haven’t head the pleasure of reading the self-help book, the so-called ‘Rules’ mainly consist of playing hard to get - acting ‘busy’, omitting to return phone calls and making the object of your affections more than a little jealous.

Not too suprisingly, The Rules had feminists up in arms when it was first published. For the generation of women who campaigned for equal pay and rights, it was complete madness to have reverted to a style of courtship which wouldn’t have seemed out of place in the 1950′s. Cosmopolitan editor and Author of Sex and The Single Girl, Helen Gurley Brown remarked at the time: “This is pretty old-fashioned stuff. Weren’t we supposed to be free?”

Leaving the career woman stereotype of the 1980′s far behind, The Rules was a runaway success, despite sexist statements such as “Wear sexy clothes when you go out even if you would rather be comfortable! It matters more what he thinks!” Sherrie Schneider even went so far as to opine that women following The Rules would even able to avoid domestic abuse: “[Men] are so crazy about you, they never ignore you or abuse you.” Phew.

However, in the current always-switched on, increasingly connected age of social media, it’s oh-too-easy to send a flirty tweet, add a Facebook friend or contact a potential date with a text message. Luckily Shezza and Ellie are back with advice for the women who might have been reading The Rules numero uno and wondering “Oooh I don’t have a landline to sit next to in waiting for that call. What on earth should I do?” Did Fein and Schneider see their incomes dwindling as The Rules became increasingly irrelevant? Perhaps they felt a duty to fire up a whole new generation of social media-savvy singletons with more sexist nonsense. Who knows. Enter The New Rules, the updated version of the original bestseller with ‘The dating dos and don’ts for the digital generation’.

As with the first dating bible, the book features are a lot of what I’d describe (in strictly non-technical language) as “d’oh!” moments, that could make you think that the women reading these books might be slightly bunny-boilerish and perhaps have the emotional IQ of a piece of cheese. Rules Girls in the ’90s were surprised that calling the object of their affections five times a day was a bad idea. D’OH! These days, the authors advise: “NEVER write on his wall or ‘like’ his status updates. That basically broadcasts the fact that you’re into him to everyone.” D’OH! It would be cruel to mention that Ellen Fein filed for divorce on the grounds of ‘abandonment’ since the first book was published. Perhaps her husband just forgot about her after she failed to return his calls. Who knows.

Choice concepts from The New Rules include the following policy on replying to text messages: “The older you are, the longer you should wait. For example, a 30-year-old should wait 12 hours and a 40-plus-year-old should wait a day to reply. These text-back times do not apply to weekends, specifically from Friday at 6pm to Sunday at 6pm.” Say what? At this point I wonder whether the Rules ladies aren’t a few sandwiches short of a picnic, and perhaps commanded by the same God that takes charge of Tom Cruise’s Crazy Planet of Scientology Madness.

The final nail in the coffin quote for the so-called dating bible? “The premise of The Rules is that, as unfeminist as it sounds, a woman should do absolutely nothing to start a relationship.” Take charge of your own life? Don’t be ridiculous!

When it comes to The New Rules, I think that there’s only one rule which you should take into consideration if you’re thinking about buying this book. Read a few of the ideas from the book (as above) to friends and/or family and ask whether they think that you should base starting a relationship on these truly bonkers concepts. I think you can predict what their answer will be…

“The premise of The Rules is that, as unfeminist as it sounds, a woman should do absolutely nothing to start a relationship…”

Running In Heels

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